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Getting Along with Difficult Family Members

difficult family members

When a friendship gets toxic or it starts to impact one’s peace of mind, one can choose to move on and change the status of the relationship from “friends” to “not friends anymore”, but family relations are a different story altogether. Whether you like them, dislike them, find them needy, toxic or frustrating, the relationship is often there to stay. Family relationships can be complicated with their unique histories and their potential to significantly impact the quality of our lives. So how do you deal with close family members who drive you mad?

First, every relationship involves two people and if we are talking about a relationship of your life then YOU are a 50% stakeholder. While it may seem like your relationship is like a car with the other person driving it and you relegated to being a hapless passenger, in reality, a relationship is more like a boat that requires two people to row, to keep it moving. So, despite how you feel, you do have an influential role to play in the ongoing and future quality of the relationship. Here’s a list of 7 steps that you can take to make things better:

1. Stop trying to change this person

When we witness the family member behave, repeatedly, in ways that we disapprove of, we would inevitably want to change them. There are three reasons why this strategy will bomb. One, it is practically impossible to change the behavior of another person unless they are motivated to change. Secondly, the constant need to change someone and the equally consistent failure to do so, can leave you feeling deeply frustrated and deteriorate the situation further. Thirdly, the more you point out mistakes or make suggestions for improvement, the more they will see it as your way of rejecting them and they could feel resentful or inadequate. Hence a better strategy would be to consider modifying your own thoughts and responses, so as to feel more at peace.

2. Recognize the trigger points and refuse to rise to the bait

There are bound to be certain topics that tend to drive you and probably even the other person into a tizzy. Identify these in advance and reflect on how you would ideally want to respond to them whenever they come up. Steer clear of engaging in heated arguments around these subjects. Whenever it does come up, pay attention to your breath and the rising temptation to react emotionally. Keep breathing deeply and exhaling completely and allow the moment to pass without an outward reaction. If possible convey to the other person in an even and firm tone that you would prefer not to talk about the matter or that you would prefer to do it later, when you are in a better frame of mind. If the other person still continues, repeat your message and move away physically.

3. Slowly wipe out the toxicity in the relationship

It may have been weeks or months or even years since you had a happy or positive interaction with the family member in question. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. Take out time to list down the things that you like or had liked about this person, including the smallest and most insignificant of their positive characteristics. You may not be very motivated to think about this person’s positive traits but make the list anyway. Whether it is their warmth towards kids, trusting you with their finances, keeping things tidy, remembering dates important to you, getting repair work done, every single thing counts. Once you have the list, make a note every time you see these behaviors and genuinely appreciate these acts. Start small by acknowledging it to yourself and slowly progress towards expressing the appreciation to them verbally. Initially it may feel awkward. But as you continue it will feel more natural and easier. Genuine appreciation and acknowledgment are powerful ways of making people feel more valued and loved and create connection.

4. Review the story you are telling yourself

Thinking “My sister always makes fun of me because she loves putting me down and feeling superior” will make one feel resentful and hurt; A thought like “my husband keeps nagging me because he doesn’t trust me to do a good job” could lead to feelings of sadness and helplessness; Another thought like “my daughter doesn’t spend time with me because she thinks I am boring and stupid” may leave one feeling upset and powerless. The fact that your sister jokes about you may have nothing to do with you and may be her way of trying to keep things light; a nagging spouse may be doing so to hold on to a sense of connection. Similarly, the daughter’s indifference may have little to do with your capabilities as a parent and more to do with her preoccupation with what’s going on in college. Write down your assumptions and question their validity. As you can see, changing the narrative inside our heads has the power to change the way we feel. Opting for the most charitable interpretation of the other person’s actions can be empowering for you and lead to more harmony.

5. Listen deeply

Especially with family members we do not use our listening skills well. We judge them far more than the people we meet less often. Hence, even before they have completed a sentence we jump to conclusions about their message and their intent. Try to really listen. Don’t interrupt. Instead of thinking up of a fitting comeback, pay attention to what they are trying to convey. What are they feeling as they are speaking? What emotional need are they wanting fulfilled? Listening is a fundamental way of making a person feel respected and valued. This helps the speaker to calm down, become less defensive and if they feel fully listened to, they may even be willing to listen to your point of view. Good listening goes a long way in calming things down.

6. Have compassion – for yourself and for them

Charity begins at home and compassion begins with self. When you try to attempt the above steps there will be times when you don’t succeed and feeling frustrated as a result is only expected. Whenever you feel frustrated, remind yourself that you are suffering too. Offer yourself words of empathy, love and comfort. Here’s an example of how to offer yourself compassion – silently say to yourself, “This is painful for you. You are human and all humans make mistakes. I am here for you and I love you!”

When you practice compassion with yourself, it becomes easier to feel compassionate to others. Remember that they are doing the best they can, based on what they know and believe. They too want to live a good life and feel loved and valued by others.

7. The “Brahmastra” (ultimate weapon)

There are those times when a family member will keep saying hurtful things and/or continue to ceaselessly complain despite your repeated requests to stop. At this point, visualize the pain inside of that person and mentally keep sending them love and blessings. It may sound counterintuitive and silly. But this one method cannot fail you. As they continue with their rants, keep repeating words of love or blessings like “I love you, I love, I love you” or “May you find peace, healing and joy. May you find peace, healing and joy”, mentally. Visualize a loving energy flowing from your heart to theirs while doing that. You will feel a change in them, as well as yourself.

If all else fails and you still feel triggered by this family member, consider shifting your residence (if that is an option), at least temporarily. Even close family relationships may sometimes be beyond repair. In such cases the kindest thing you can do to yourself and the other, is to move away and with time forgive them and yourself. Remember that it is not people who are difficult, but contradictory views and behaviors that get challenging. At times the change required may be in you and not the other. It is easier to blame others for our frustrations than to bring about change in ourselves. Staying a victim can be a subconscious coping mechanism to avoid taking responsibility. That is not always the case though.

In conclusion people are designed to be different. These differences have the potential to make life more meaningful and interesting. Conflicts and disagreements, thus give us opportunities to widen our world view, transform our relationships and help us grow.

We hope this article helps you! Do leave your thoughts in the comments below. For more on Mental Health and Emotional Wellness, check out Healthy Reads or speak to a certified expert by subscribing to GOQii’s Personalised Health Coaching here.

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How Your Microwave Could Be Damaging Your Health

microwaveHow many times have you pulled out food from the fridge and pushed it directly in the microwave? It’s convenient, it’s easy and saves a lot of time. Apart from reheating, microwaves are used for cooking and baking – all without burning or creating any mess. But with great convenience, comes even greater risks. Studies have concluded that microwaves can make our food radioactive! This increases the risk of cancer along with other health hazards.

Repeatedly cooking or reheating food using a microwave with plastic containers can cause some harmful chemicals to leach into the food and destroy its nutrients. More than 70% households have microwaves and most hotels and restaurants also use them to reheat and cook food faster. Want to know what your microwave can do to your health?

How Your Microwave Can Damage Your Health

  1. Increased Risk of Cancer: Foods that are microwaved cause different types of stomach and intestinal cancer. The prolonged use of microwaves in cooking causes the growth of cancerous cells in the human blood. Plastic containers used to heat the food have been found to release carcinogens along with other harmful toxins into food which is then absorbed by the human body.
  2. Loss of Nutrients: Water molecules rotate rapidly in the microwave. High frequencies create molecular friction. This causes the molecular structure in food to change and diminishes the nutrients present in food. When food is cooked or reheated in the microwave there is a loss of minerals, vitamins, micro nutrients, and the human body gets little to no benefit from that food.
  3. Affects the Immune System: Eating microwaved food excessively can impact blood serum levels and lymph glands which affect immune system functions and leads to immune system deficiencies. If you are falling sick frequently and are using the microwave for cooking or reheating the food, you should stop using the microwave and check if there’s any improvement in your health. Don’t compromise your health to save a few minutes.
  4. Causes Loss of Memory: The central nervous system, especially the hippocampus is highly sensitive to microwave radiation. Eating microwave cooked food consistently causes loss of memory, loss of ability to concentrate, emotional stability and brain damage in the long run. This is because it causes electrical impulses in the brain to ‘short out’. So ask yourself if cooking food in the microwave is better than memory loss.
  5. Effects hormonal imbalance: Microwaved food can alter the production of male and female hormones in the human body. Eating microwaved food excessively can contribute to PCOD and infertility. It also affects the maintenance of hormonal balance in males and females.
  6. Irregular Heartbeat: A study shows that radiation emitted by the microwave affects heart rate.  If you are facing regular chest pain and/or irregular heartbeat, you should stop using the microwave in your kitchen. It can also affect your blood pressure, pulse rate, and other cardiovascular functions.

What Can We Do To Reduce The Damage?

  • Avoid using plastic cookware to cook or heat food. Also avoid pouring hot food (especially liquid) into a plastic container. Even if it says “microwave safe” on it, it’s still going to leach chemicals. It simply means the container won’t warp in the heat.
  • If you wish to use the microwave urgently, use glass or ceramic cookware.
  • Don’t use plastic storage bags from the grocery store. Don’t let plastic wrap touch your food during microwaving because it may melt.
  • Old, scratched, cracked or even containers which have been microwaved too many times may leach out more plasticizers.
  • If you experience any health issue like a headache, dizziness, eye pain, sleeplessness, hair loss, anxiety, stomach pain, etc. you need to stop using your microwave and consult a doctor immediately. 

Using a microwave all the time isn’t a compulsion. Keep its use to a minimum. It’s always better to use a gas stove for reheating food using a stainless steel utensil. We hope this article helps you. Do leave your thoughts in the comments below!

For more facts such as these, check out Healthy Reads or connect with your GOQii Coach by subscribing for Personalised Health Coaching here.

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All About Cooking In Clay Pots

clay pots

As we are becoming more and more health conscious, trying to eat healthier meals, we cannot overlook the cookware used to prepare those meals. The vessels we choose have a great impact on the taste, quality and nutritional value of food. While Researching about which cookware is the best for our health, I always noticed that clay pots are on top of the list but I was never sure if I can really cook my regular food in them. A few weeks back, after a lot of research on how we can use them for regular cooking, I gave it a try and bought one home. Now I can confidently say that everyone should give them a try. In fact, I am planning to buy some more as I find more space in my kitchen to keep them safely. Before you get convinced by my experience, let’s understand why you should be switching to clay pots.

Benefits Of Using Clay Pots 

  • They infuse your food with calcium, magnesium, iron, phosphorus, sulphur and many other minerals depending on the composition of clay used in making these pots.
  • Help in restoring pH balance of food as clay is alkaline in nature.
  • Lends a nice earthy aroma and enhances the flavor of your food which metal pans usually destroy. 
  • Preparing food in clay pots requires slow cooking which helps retain maximum nutrition.
  • Less oil is required while cooking in clay pots as the porous nature of clay pots allows heat and moisture to circulate evenly.
  • Prevents us from harmful chemicals and metals that leach into our food while cooking in metals like aluminium and non-stick cookware. 
  • They are pocket friendly and available in different sizes and shapes.
  • Environmentally friendly and completely biodegradable.

How To Choose Them 

Clay pots are available in glazed and unglazed form. Both have their own set of advantages. 

Glazed ones are ready to use, have a shiny appearance and are easy to clean. These encourage good steam circulation due to low ability to absorb water. But sometimes, their glaze could be of low quality that may contain harmful chemicals. On the other hand, unglazed pots need a little bit more care being more porous, but have better ability to balance the pH of food.

How To Use Clay Cookware 

  1. Clay cookware needs to be prepared prior to first use by immersing them in water for 24 hours or at least overnight.
  2. Next day, scrub and rinse it and let it dry. Then you need to soak it in starch water/rice, cooked water/rice soaked water for one more day.
  3. Wash it again and dry it under the sun. After drying, wipe it with any vegetable oil and dry it under the sun till the oil is absorbed by the pot. 
  4. Your clay pots are ready to use now.
  5. Though this preparation process seems long but ensures a long life to your clay pots.

How To Maintain Clay Pots 

Some points are needed to be kept in mind while using clay pots in your daily routine.

  • Never keep hot clay pots on a cold surface or put cold water in a hot pot. This temperature shock may cause cracks.
  • You may not want to clean them with soap as it will enter into small pores of the pots which can mix into food while cooking. Use ash, baking soda and salt, rice flour or gram flour to clean these pots.
  • These pots work well on a regular gas stove, but never heat empty pot on very high flame. During cooking, it is advisable to keep the flame medium to low.

If you haven’t got a hold of clay pots yet, I suggest getting one and experiencing the goodness and flavor in food that usual cookwares lack. I hope this article helps you if you plan on using one. Do leave your thoughts and queries in the comments below! 

For more useful information, check out Healthy Reads or reach out to our certified experts by subscribing to GOQii’s Personalised Health Coaching here.

 

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7 Reasons Why You Should Avoid Caffeinated Drinks During Winter

Avoid Caffeinated Drinks

Caffeine is a natural stimulant most commonly found in tea, coffee and cacao plants. Billions of people rely on caffeine to start their day and to get through their night shift or afternoon slump. It works by stimulating the brain and the central nervous system, helping you stay alert, reducing the onset of tiredness. Nothing is as comforting on a chilly morning as a hot cup of tea with a cozy blanket. For most people, intake of these caffeinated drinks increases during winter as they believe it provides warmth to beat the cold. But is that really so? Is there a reason to avoid caffeinated drinks? Let’s find out! 

How Caffeine Works

While caffeine is considered safe, drinking too much raises some concerns. When you drink any caffeinated drink, your gut absorbs it very quickly and sends it to your bloodstream. From there, as it reaches your brain, it starts blocking the effects of a neurotransmitter called adenosine. Adenosine relaxes your brain and makes you feel tired. So by blocking its receptors, caffeine helps you stay awake and alert. But with alertness comes anxiety as well. At the same time, caffeine also stimulates our stress or “fight & flight” hormones.

Reasons To Avoid Caffeinated Drinks During Winter 

  1. Dehydration: During winter, most people feel less thirsty and their water intake automatically reduces. All caffeinated drinks are diuretic and tend to flush out water from the body through urine, making it deficient in not just water but also vitamins and minerals that are required for the smooth functioning of the body.
  2. Amplified Heart Rate and Blood Pressure: Winter is not a good time for people with heart conditions and high blood pressure. They are always advised to stay away from low temperatures as it can constrict their blood vessels and lead to high blood pressure. Caffeine being a stimulant also increases heart rate and blood pressure. So it may increase difficulties for such people.
  3. Empty Calories: Most caffeinated drinks are loaded with sugar and give you not just empty calories but a sugar crash later, which might make you feel more lethargic after some time.
  4. Effect on Digestion: Being a stimulant, caffeine increases gut motility or the contraction of muscles that propel the contents in the gastrointestinal tract. This might be a reason why you feel like having tea or coffee with or after a heavy meal. But this actually isn’t good because it reduces the time your food stays in each part of your digestive system, not letting the nutrients fully absorb. In fact, too much can lead to diarrhea which is followed by dehydration.
  5. Pregnancy & Lactation: Caffeine can easily cross the placenta and can reach breast milk. So, women who consume caffeinated drinks may need to limit their intake to avoid risk of miscarriage or low birth weight.
  6. Interaction with Medication: Our body flushes out caffeine generally within 6-8 hours but while in the system, it can react with your medication and supplements, causing poor absorption or side effects.
  7. Suppresses Appetite: Now this can be both good and bad for all weight watchers. Research shows that caffeine acts as an appetite suppressant but increases higher plasma levels of PYY & Leptin (anorexic hormones). It might make you eat less calories, but with less food, there is less nutrition as well. So beware of consuming too much caffeine, as our body needs more nutrition to maintain immunity.

Now, the purpose of all this information was not to coax you off caffeine but to ensure you control your intake. Controlled amounts can have some benefits too! Make sure you drink the right quantity and the right version. 1-2 cups of black tea, green tea and black coffee are better options than sugary and cream filled versions. Also ensure that you drink your last cup 6-8 hours before you sleep. 

We hope this article on why you should avoid caffeinated drinks in winter helps you! Do let us know your thoughts in the comments below. For more on nutrition, check out Healthy Reads or speak to an expert by subscribing for GOQii’s Personalised Health Coaching here.

#BeTheForce 

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