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What I Learned About Bringing A Real Change In Self

It wasn’t long ago that two of us friends visited a common friend and her family. As we all got chatting on a particularly interesting topic, I grew excited and participated enthusiastically. Everyone seemed to have a good time and I went back in good spirits pondering about some of the things we spoke about.

A few weeks later the friend who had accompanied me for the visit, gently pointed out to me that I had dominated the conversation that evening; chiming in more often than was necessary, cutting off others in my enthusiasm. As he shared his observation, I could feel the blood rushing to my head. Every cell in my body demanded that I put this friend in his place by giving free reign to the hurtful words that awaited their release from the tip of my tongue.

All through the din of my internal battle drums, a very quiet voice from somewhere close to my heart, stopped me. It calmly pointed out that may be this friend was not so completely wrong. But I still hadn’t reached a place of unconditional self-acceptance so as to receive such feedback with grace and gratitude. I was foaming at the mouth instead.

Just about managing to hold back the venom that was ready to spew through my words, I sat through the next 5 minutes in stoic silence letting my loving friend squirm in discomfort, though he deserved better for his courage and honesty. With the passing of minutes I managed to calm down sufficiently to be decent to him. We even managed to finish our coffee and share a few smiles before going off our different ways.

That evening I sat with my journal painfully writing down an honest account of what had happened on that particular evening — the evening of the get-together, when I was supposed to have been behaving like a self-centred loud mouth. As I sifted through the scenes, it became clear that my friend had been spot on in his feedback.

As all of us had engaged in discussing and debating on an interesting topic, I had kept pushing my point of view, expressing my thoughts and increasing my volume just a wee bit, enough to suppress any attempts by others to oppose me, not pausing for breath; almost as if I was scared that if I paused someone may take my place as the Prima donna.

I remembered observing and ignoring fleeting expressions of frustration and impatience on the listeners faces, as they experienced themselves being cut off half way through their sentences. I recalled the grace with which they chose to listen to me rather than express their irritation. I even remember having the nagging feeling that I should stop, slow down, pause and let others participate, but something kept egging me on. This “something” is what I was scared to confront. Because according to my judgment this “something” — the need to feel important, made me a pathetic person.

I felt embarrassment and anger course through me — Embarrassment about my appalling behaviour and anger towards myself for not doing better. After a few hours of internal battle, I came out relatively unscathed, resolving to work on changing my behaviour. I am glad to say that I have made progress since then.

As I looked back on that evening of introspection and asked – why was the experience so painful? What was it that helped me come out a better person, through it? This is what I learnt.

I had experienced shame and anger at the beginning because I had been judgmental about myself, telling myself that I was expected to be thoughtful and considerate at all times. Effectively I was holding myself up to standards that I may never be able to live up to — of not making mistakes. However after calming down with a few deep breaths, I had told myself what I tell many of my clients, who are trying to bring about change in themselves — You are more than your words and actions; acknowledging a flaw in a behaviour does not imply that you are a bad person. I had practiced with great difficulty what I preach to my clients — self-compassion and self-love.

I had held myself lovingly through the pain of knowing that in those moments I must have behaved like a selfish inconsiderate idiot, but had also assured myself that I still wasn’t any of that; that it was a behaviour demonstrated in a moment of ignorance and poor judgment; that I was capable of bringing about change. I had reminded myself that pain is the strongest indicator of growth.

Self-compassion and self-love had saved the day. And I will admit that it is not always easy to practice these. I had help — help in the form of all those friends and family who, in my life journey, not only showed me compassion but also let me know that I was loved, through my moments of weakness and strength; help in the form of those masters and authors who made themselves the instrument of change and generously laid out their life experiments for others like me, to learn from; help in the form of clients who dug deep into their being, to come up with the courage to care for themselves despite their flaws. I was grateful to them for allowing me to witness the transformation they brought in themselves with such love, for instilling in me the confidence that true personal growth needs a mix of honesty, courage, love and self-compassion and for giving me the inspiration to grow.

As I write this I wish and hope that more of us can practice self-compassion and self-love because we need it, we deserve it and because I am convinced that the only way we can bring about substantial change and growth in ourselves, is through love and compassion.

#BeTheForce 

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3 Super Simple Ways to Overcome Anxiety Induced Procrastination

overcome anxiety induced procrastination

procrastination

/prə(ʊ)ˌkrastɪˈneɪʃ(ə)n/

(noun) the action of delaying or postponing something.

Amit wakes up with a feeling of dread. Even before his mind can tell him what is wrong, he can feel anxiety and guilt start to overpower him. Then it registers. He’s woken up late! Yet again!!

He was supposed to wake up at 6, do his yoga, meditate, get a few chores done and get started with work at 8.30 am. Instead, here he was, staring at the hands of the clock insisting that it was 8.30 am, and feeling miserable.

“I have ruined the day before it even started!!” he moans.

Trying to salvage the rest of his day, he quickly brushes his teeth, rushes through part of the morning routine and sits down at his desk at 10 am. As he starts wondering what tasks he needs to get done during the day, his mind comes up with one really important task.

As soon as he gets ready to work on the first task his mind reminds him about the deadline for sending in suggestions for his team meeting. So he closes the file he had opened and goes on to open his email. And before he can get to the email with the attachment he is looking for, he is greeted by the deluge of new unread emails waiting to be opened. His heart beats faster, breath gets quicker and despite the cool morning, his palms get clammy with perspiration.overcome anxiety induced procrastination

As he tries to quickly skim through the unread emails, his mind keeps reminding him that he is already behind with the things he’s supposed to get done today and simultaneously points out that had he woken up on time, he would have been done with at least two of these tasks. 

Once again, he experiences a surge of hopelessness, guilt and shame wash through him. He gives into the routine of berating himself and thinking of all the times that he has done this before and hears his mind say things like:

“Who are you trying to fool? You know very well that this is who you really are – this lazy, undisciplined, good for nothing failure who is never going to amount to much! Stop telling yourself that you will somehow turn a new leaf, become disciplined overnight and transform into the epitome of efficiency, effectiveness and success. Just accept that this is never going to change. You are destined to live the life of a loser.”

Inexplicably, Amit feels exhausted and turns to his phone and thoughtlessly opens up Instagram. He scrolls down thinking that he will just check out a couple of posts. But the next time he looks at the clock it is already 12 noon. Feeling totally dejected, he decides to have some snacks and polishes off a large packet of wafers in no time. He spends the rest of the day feeling lethargic and getting very little done.

Does all this sound familiar? If it does, you are not alone. Even the most capable and intelligent people experience this every once in a while and more people than you could imagine, deal with this regularly. 

But let’s take a closer look at what’s going on here. If you are thinking that the issue is Amit’s habit of waking up late, you are wrong. That is not the primary issue. While good sleep habits are important and need to be managed, life will invariably throw you curveballs that will disrupt your plan one way or the other. In this case, waking up late led to Amit losing about an hour of personal preparation time and 90 minutes of work time, which totals up to 150 minutes. If he had gone on to use the rest of the day well, he would have lost only about 2 hours of productive time. But the issue was that anxiety, guilt and shame overpowered him and made it impossible for him to utilise the rest of his time. And he lost over 5 hours instead of 2.5. 

So you see, the biggest problem in most situations is not so much the interruption of plans, but our inability to manage our self talk and the resultant anxiety. Here are 3 simple steps you can take to overcome anxiety induced procrastination.  

3 Simple Steps To Overcome Anxiety Induced Procrastination 

  1. Three top tasks for the next day: Before you finish for the day, write down the things that you’d like to get done the next day. Now circle the three most important things on the list. Make these very specific. For example, instead of writing “Get started on the report”, you could write “Have the first draft of the report ready”. Now rank them in the order in which you’d like to get it done and write down an approximate amount of time you expect each of these tasks to take. You see, when you are ready to start in the morning, your mind is ready for action mode, but if you give it the job of deciding WHAT TO DO, it is going to take up precious energy and working memory space, leaving very little of the energy and focus to actually get the job done. However, at the end of the day when your mind is still in work mode, it is far easier to think about what you’d like to get done the next day. And the next morning, you can channel all your enthusiasm into working on the tasks.
  2. Tackle the anxiety: If things aren’t panning out the way you planned them to, take a few minutes to become aware of the self talk which tries to thrash you. Acknowledge the need behind the anxiety – The need to get things done. Focus on your breath for a few more minutes and ground yourself. Remind yourself that plans getting waylaid is a common occurrence in every one’s life and as long as you are human, it is going to happen once in a while. Ditch the “All or Nothing” thinking that your mind tries to sell you. Remember that if you were to stay calm, you can still achieve a big part of what you set out to do that day. If you notice the anxiety reappearing, schedule 30 minutes of “worry time” towards the evening – a slot of time where you give a free reign to worry and anxiety. And each time you notice anxious thoughts returning, remind your mind that you can do the worrying during the allocated half an hour, not before or after.
  3. Time your tasks and take breaks: Look at your task list and start with task no 1, with a timer set to half an hour by your side. If your mind comes up with distractive thoughts while you are at the task, note down the thought in your physical or digital notepad so that you can look at it after you have worked on this task for a continuous half an hour. Same applies to any other external distractions you may face. Getting a phone call? Send them a text that you will call them back after half an hour; reminded of an email response you were supposed to send this morning? Jot down a reminder about it on your notepad and get back to the task you were doing. When you have put in a solid half an hour of focus, take a break and do any quick calls or messaging from your notepad list and get back to working on the task for another half an hour with a timer. Keep working with half an hour chunks of time with 5 min breaks in between. This will help your mind remain super focused.

Whether you are a working professional, a student, a consultant, a home maker or an entrepreneur, these steps are applicable to each one of you. Procrastination is not caused by laziness, rather it is the mind’s way of coping with increasing anxiety. The above mentioned steps are healthier ways to overcome anxiety induced procrastination, thus making it possible to take action, and to progress towards your goals.

We hope this article on 3 simple ways to overcome anxiety induced procrastination helps you! Do let us know your thoughts in the comments below! For more articles like this, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to sessions by our Emotional Wellness Expert Divya Thampi on GOQii Play.

#BeTheForce 

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The Secret To Connecting With Others And Healing

HealingAn Act of Courage

Rishabh’s body trembled almost imperceptibly, lips quivered and tears brimmed over.  He was telling his friend about the time, two years ago, when he found out that he had failed his semester exams. The friend who was listening to him, looked somber and sighed, seeing how devastating the incident had been for Rishabh. “That must have been really hard for you. I am trying to imagine what it must have been like for you to handle the burden of it, all by yourself. I wish I had spoken to you and told you that failing a semester didn’t change the way I see you and how much you mean to me as a friend,” he said, his eyes mirroring his friend’s pain.

This is an example of an interaction between one person choosing to be vulnerable with another, who in turn, chose to respond with understanding, care and compassion. It doesn’t need a doctorate degree for one to recognize that it must have taken a lot of courage for the speaker to open up about something that brought on feelings of shame, sadness and isolation. At the same time his friend’s response was honoring of Rishabh’s experience of pain. And such a conversation could mark the beginning of a healing process.

What Does it Mean to be Vulnerable?

In her book, ‘Daring Greatly’, Dr. Brené Brown describes vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” It is that feeling of going out of your comfort zone, opening yourself up to the risk of being judged, and letting go of control to some extent. One of the biggest myths about vulnerability is that it is a sign of weakness. Our society propagates the idea that being strong means not being scared, hurt, confused or jealous. We are told that being strong is about not feeling fear and being in total control. This idea has been drilled into our minds and hearts for very long. But is that true? Does being strong mean being perfect? Does it mean pretending to be okay at all times? Or managing all our life problems independently and not taking support?

The answer is a big NO! It is a myth that most of us have been reeled into. Not feeling fear would require us to numb every other feeling along with it; every feeling that makes us human.

But Dr Brown says “When we think of times that we have felt vulnerable or emotionally exposed, we are actually recalling times of great courage”. She adds that, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” We make the assumption that the things that make us feel distressed and ashamed, are things that should be hidden and kept a secret. But not talking about them reinforces the voice in our heads that tells us that we are not good enough. That clearly is of no help and could aggravate the feelings of alienation & disconnection.

Like in the example at the beginning of this blog, when Rishabh chose to be vulnerable, it opened up an opportunity for a significant person in his life to witness important parts of him, thus validating his feelings and making him feel whole again. And it is that wholeness that allows us to understand and accept that making mistakes, going through challenges, or struggling in relationships, is not shameful, rather, it is what makes us human. Acceptance of our fragility, accelerates the healing process.

Trying Out Vulnerability

If practicing vulnerability feels like too much of a leap for you, here are a few things that can help you begin:

  1. Start with something really small, like telling a friend or colleague about devouring 4 mangoes in one go or not having a shower all day or feeling anxious about an upcoming meeting.
  2. Whenever someone shares something with you, that makes them vulnerable, acknowledge their courage in sharing it with you and provide support with your listening and presence, without offering solutions or advice.

The Way Ahead

Let’s start one small step at a time in our own lives, because when you open yourself up to others and allow them to support and help you, you are also inspiring others around you to open up and thus helping the world to heal. As the famous author Haruki Murakami says “What happens when people open their hearts? They get better!”

We hope this article helps you. For more topics on mental health and emotional well-being, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to experts on GOQii Play.

Go get tips on improving mental and emotional health, connect with your GOQii Coach by subscribing for Personalised Health Coaching here.

#BeTheForce 

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Getting Along with Difficult Family Members

difficult family members

When a friendship gets toxic or it starts to impact one’s peace of mind, one can choose to move on and change the status of the relationship from “friends” to “not friends anymore”, but family relations are a different story altogether. Whether you like them, dislike them, find them needy, toxic or frustrating, the relationship is often there to stay. Family relationships can be complicated with their unique histories and their potential to significantly impact the quality of our lives. So how do you deal with close family members who drive you mad?

First, every relationship involves two people and if we are talking about a relationship of your life then YOU are a 50% stakeholder. While it may seem like your relationship is like a car with the other person driving it and you relegated to being a hapless passenger, in reality, a relationship is more like a boat that requires two people to row, to keep it moving. So, despite how you feel, you do have an influential role to play in the ongoing and future quality of the relationship. Here’s a list of 7 steps that you can take to make things better:

1. Stop trying to change this person

When we witness the family member behave, repeatedly, in ways that we disapprove of, we would inevitably want to change them. There are three reasons why this strategy will bomb. One, it is practically impossible to change the behavior of another person unless they are motivated to change. Secondly, the constant need to change someone and the equally consistent failure to do so, can leave you feeling deeply frustrated and deteriorate the situation further. Thirdly, the more you point out mistakes or make suggestions for improvement, the more they will see it as your way of rejecting them and they could feel resentful or inadequate. Hence a better strategy would be to consider modifying your own thoughts and responses, so as to feel more at peace.

2. Recognize the trigger points and refuse to rise to the bait

There are bound to be certain topics that tend to drive you and probably even the other person into a tizzy. Identify these in advance and reflect on how you would ideally want to respond to them whenever they come up. Steer clear of engaging in heated arguments around these subjects. Whenever it does come up, pay attention to your breath and the rising temptation to react emotionally. Keep breathing deeply and exhaling completely and allow the moment to pass without an outward reaction. If possible convey to the other person in an even and firm tone that you would prefer not to talk about the matter or that you would prefer to do it later, when you are in a better frame of mind. If the other person still continues, repeat your message and move away physically.

3. Slowly wipe out the toxicity in the relationship

It may have been weeks or months or even years since you had a happy or positive interaction with the family member in question. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. Take out time to list down the things that you like or had liked about this person, including the smallest and most insignificant of their positive characteristics. You may not be very motivated to think about this person’s positive traits but make the list anyway. Whether it is their warmth towards kids, trusting you with their finances, keeping things tidy, remembering dates important to you, getting repair work done, every single thing counts. Once you have the list, make a note every time you see these behaviors and genuinely appreciate these acts. Start small by acknowledging it to yourself and slowly progress towards expressing the appreciation to them verbally. Initially it may feel awkward. But as you continue it will feel more natural and easier. Genuine appreciation and acknowledgment are powerful ways of making people feel more valued and loved and create connection.

4. Review the story you are telling yourself

Thinking “My sister always makes fun of me because she loves putting me down and feeling superior” will make one feel resentful and hurt; A thought like “my husband keeps nagging me because he doesn’t trust me to do a good job” could lead to feelings of sadness and helplessness; Another thought like “my daughter doesn’t spend time with me because she thinks I am boring and stupid” may leave one feeling upset and powerless. The fact that your sister jokes about you may have nothing to do with you and may be her way of trying to keep things light; a nagging spouse may be doing so to hold on to a sense of connection. Similarly, the daughter’s indifference may have little to do with your capabilities as a parent and more to do with her preoccupation with what’s going on in college. Write down your assumptions and question their validity. As you can see, changing the narrative inside our heads has the power to change the way we feel. Opting for the most charitable interpretation of the other person’s actions can be empowering for you and lead to more harmony.

5. Listen deeply

Especially with family members we do not use our listening skills well. We judge them far more than the people we meet less often. Hence, even before they have completed a sentence we jump to conclusions about their message and their intent. Try to really listen. Don’t interrupt. Instead of thinking up of a fitting comeback, pay attention to what they are trying to convey. What are they feeling as they are speaking? What emotional need are they wanting fulfilled? Listening is a fundamental way of making a person feel respected and valued. This helps the speaker to calm down, become less defensive and if they feel fully listened to, they may even be willing to listen to your point of view. Good listening goes a long way in calming things down.

6. Have compassion – for yourself and for them

Charity begins at home and compassion begins with self. When you try to attempt the above steps there will be times when you don’t succeed and feeling frustrated as a result is only expected. Whenever you feel frustrated, remind yourself that you are suffering too. Offer yourself words of empathy, love and comfort. Here’s an example of how to offer yourself compassion – silently say to yourself, “This is painful for you. You are human and all humans make mistakes. I am here for you and I love you!”

When you practice compassion with yourself, it becomes easier to feel compassionate to others. Remember that they are doing the best they can, based on what they know and believe. They too want to live a good life and feel loved and valued by others.

7. The “Brahmastra” (ultimate weapon)

There are those times when a family member will keep saying hurtful things and/or continue to ceaselessly complain despite your repeated requests to stop. At this point, visualize the pain inside of that person and mentally keep sending them love and blessings. It may sound counterintuitive and silly. But this one method cannot fail you. As they continue with their rants, keep repeating words of love or blessings like “I love you, I love, I love you” or “May you find peace, healing and joy. May you find peace, healing and joy”, mentally. Visualize a loving energy flowing from your heart to theirs while doing that. You will feel a change in them, as well as yourself.

If all else fails and you still feel triggered by this family member, consider shifting your residence (if that is an option), at least temporarily. Even close family relationships may sometimes be beyond repair. In such cases the kindest thing you can do to yourself and the other, is to move away and with time forgive them and yourself. Remember that it is not people who are difficult, but contradictory views and behaviors that get challenging. At times the change required may be in you and not the other. It is easier to blame others for our frustrations than to bring about change in ourselves. Staying a victim can be a subconscious coping mechanism to avoid taking responsibility. That is not always the case though.

In conclusion people are designed to be different. These differences have the potential to make life more meaningful and interesting. Conflicts and disagreements, thus give us opportunities to widen our world view, transform our relationships and help us grow.

We hope this article helps you! Do leave your thoughts in the comments below. For more on Mental Health and Emotional Wellness, check out Healthy Reads or speak to a certified expert by subscribing to GOQii’s Personalised Health Coaching here.

#BeTheForce 

From Terminal Illness To Complete Wellness! Ananda Mukherjee Health Story

As we observe World Cancer Day under the powerful theme ‘United by Unique’ (2025-2027)**, we are reminded that every individual’s journey with cancer is distinct, yet united by shared resilience, hope, and the collective fight against this disease. This theme places people at the centre of care and their stories at the heart of the […]