Mental Health Archives

September 15, 2021 By Divya Thampi 6 Comments

The Secret To Connecting With Others And Healing

An Act of Courage

Rishabh’s body trembled almost imperceptibly, lips quivered and tears brimmed over. He was telling his friend about the time, two years ago, when he found out that he had failed his semester exams. The friend who was listening to him, looked somber and sighed, seeing how devastating the incident had been for Rishabh. “That must have been really hard for you. I am trying to imagine what it must have been like for you to handle the burden of it, all by yourself. I wish I had spoken to you and told you that failing a semester didn’t change the way I see you and how much you mean to me as a friend,” he said, his eyes mirroring his friend’s pain.

This is an example of an interaction between one person choosing to be vulnerable with another, who in turn, chose to respond with understanding, care and compassion. It doesn’t need a doctorate degree for one to recognize that it must have taken a lot of courage for the speaker to open up about something that brought on feelings of shame, sadness and isolation. At the same time his friend’s response was honoring of Rishabh’s experience of pain. And such a conversation could mark the beginning of a healing process.

What Does it Mean to be Vulnerable?

In her book, ‘Daring Greatly’, Dr. Brené Brown describes vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” It is that feeling of going out of your comfort zone, opening yourself up to the risk of being judged, and letting go of control to some extent. One of the biggest myths about vulnerability is that it is a sign of weakness. Our society propagates the idea that being strong means not being scared, hurt, confused or jealous. We are told that being strong is about not feeling fear and being in total control. This idea has been drilled into our minds and hearts for very long. But is that true? Does being strong mean being perfect? Does it mean pretending to be okay at all times? Or managing all our life problems independently and not taking support?

The answer is a big NO! It is a myth that most of us have been reeled into. Not feeling fear would require us to numb every other feeling along with it; every feeling that makes us human.

But Dr Brown says “When we think of times that we have felt vulnerable or emotionally exposed, we are actually recalling times of great courage”. She adds that, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” We make the assumption that the things that make us feel distressed and ashamed, are things that should be hidden and kept a secret. But not talking about them reinforces the voice in our heads that tells us that we are not good enough. That clearly is of no help and could aggravate the feelings of alienation & disconnection.

Like in the example at the beginning of this blog, when Rishabh chose to be vulnerable, it opened up an opportunity for a significant person in his life to witness important parts of him, thus validating his feelings and making him feel whole again. And it is that wholeness that allows us to understand and accept that making mistakes, going through challenges, or struggling in relationships, is not shameful, rather, it is what makes us human. Acceptance of our fragility, accelerates the healing process.

Trying Out Vulnerability

If practicing vulnerability feels like too much of a leap for you, here are a few things that can help you begin:

Start with something really small, like telling a friend or colleague about devouring 4 mangoes in one go or not having a shower all day or feeling anxious about an upcoming meeting.
Whenever someone shares something with you, that makes them vulnerable, acknowledge their courage in sharing it with you and provide support with your listening and presence, without offering solutions or advice.

The Way Ahead

Let’s start one small step at a time in our own lives, because when you open yourself up to others and allow them to support and help you, you are also inspiring others around you to open up and thus helping the world to heal. As the famous author Haruki Murakami says “What happens when people open their hearts? They get better!”

We hope this article helps you. For more topics on mental health and emotional well-being, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to experts on GOQii Play.

Go get tips on improving mental and emotional health, connect with your GOQii Coach by subscribing for personalized coaching here: https://goqiiapp.page.link/bsr

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July 30, 2021 By Divya Thampi 1 Comment

The One Practice That Can Change Your Life

As she drifts between sleep and wakefulness, her mind brings along a sense of dread; just like a faithful pet would bring a rag doll, and wait, panting in anticipation, for her to wake up. Even before she can start to tell the difference between her own snores and the chimes of the alarm clock, the phone nudges her with notifications about the never-ending list of things to be done. She almost falls off her bed, phone in hand, stumbling from one task to another, trying to keep up with the demands of the day. She races against time, determined to make progress. But as the clock ticks on, her attempts to swim through the sea of distractions, hardly seem to work. She finishes her day feeling exhausted, with a nagging sense that very little has been achieved.

If such stress laden days, sound all too familiar, you are not alone. But knowing that many of us feel this way, hardly brings any reprieve from reality. However, one simple daily practice has the potential to change this experience quite drastically.

How Would You Like Your Day To Begin?

Before we talk about that practice, let’s look at what kind of day we would ideally like to spend – Personally, I would like to wake up feeling rested and refreshed, feeling excited and hopeful and in spite of the zillion things that need to be completed during the day, I would like to feel at peace with myself. Does that resonate with you? If it does, read ahead!

What’s That ONE Thing?

The one activity that could change the way we start and end our day, is Meditation. According to the Buddhist definition ‘Meditation practices are techniques that encourage and develop concentration, clarity, emotional positivity, and a calm seeing of the true nature of things.’

It is the one activity which will not change the circumstances or the people of your life, but has the potential to change the weather inside your mind. In 10 to 20 minutes, it could help your internal weather to change from grey, cloudy and chilly to pleasantly sunny, warm and hopeful.

How Meditation Helps!

When you meditate regularly, you get better at holding your attention in the present moment. This automatically leads to less distraction. It also improves your ability to process sensory information. Personally, I find myself more capable of holding back angry retorts and loosening the hold of obsessive thoughts, much more now than when meditation was not a part of my life. This is not surprising given the research which shows that regular meditation enlarges the pre-frontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for logical thinking, and decision making) and reduces the Amygdala activation (the key brain structure known as the emotional or fear center of the brain), leading to improved emotional regulation! According to Dr. Keith Holden, in his book “Power of the mind in health and healing”- “Regular meditation may even help prevent age-related brain atrophy, which has the potential to protect against memory loss and improve brain function as you age.”

In broader terms, a regular meditation practice helps you feel better about yourself, bring more harmony in your relationships, develop your ability to perform better at work, improve your creative thinking and foster the ability to stay calm in the face of uncertainty, not to mention adding to your overall sense of wellbeing.

Yes, You Are Already Good At It!

Before I started practicing meditation, I used to think that it is meant for people who have a lot of time at hand. For someone who has retired from work life for instance, or someone who doesn’t have much to do. But I couldn’t be farther from the truth on both fronts! (being retired from work life doesn’t mean one is not busy). Meditation is beneficial for every single one of us. The busier you are, the more beneficial it is for you. You may not realise it, but whenever you are in a state of “flow” i.e. when you feel happily engrossed in a task, that you feel competent to do, and enjoy doing – you are meditating; you are meditating on that one task, with absolute focused attention and there’s this feeling of being in a different plane. You are meditating every time you sleep deeply. So, you are already practicing certain forms of meditation in your life and are good at it. Hence saying that “meditation is not my cup of tea” doesn’t hold water (or tea).

Conclusion

There’s no aspect of your life that goes untouched by the benefits of meditation. As an emotional wellness coach and counsellor, I get to hear hundreds of mental health concerns from people on a regular basis. No matter what the complaints are, meditation almost always features in the list of ways in which people can overcome those issues and move towards short term and long mental wellness. So, when do you plan to start?

We hope this article helps you! If you want to begin your meditation practice, check out some interesting articles on Healthy Reads. To get more meditation tips from a certified expert, subscribe to personalized coaching here: https://goqiiapp.page.link/bsr

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April 2, 2021 By Divya Thampi Leave a Comment

Autism Spectrum Disorder – There’s More To It Than We Know

Photo by Anna Kolosyuk on Unsplash

“Anita starts fondling materials of certain textures, seemingly, without regard for where and on whom the fabric may be located”; “Vansh sometimes asks the same question over and over again, even when he had been given the answer”; “Suhas suddenly starts flapping his arms for no particular reason, and goes on for over five minutes without stopping”

These are descriptions of certain behaviours observed in people/children living with Autism.

The Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is not just a single disorder

The word “spectrum” refers to a wide range of symptoms and severity. ASD impacts the way the brain is wired and this difference in wiring can make people in the spectrum good at certain tasks that others find difficult, such as, maths, music or arts. It can also do the opposite, where they find the activities that other people find easy, incredibly difficult, such as socializing and making friends. As per a report published in 2018, one in 59 children will be diagnosed with ASD. Signs usually become evident in children by 2 years of age.

Children/ adults in the spectrum experience difficulties in three main areas – communication, social interaction and behaviour.

Following are some symptoms and types of behaviors seen in people diagnosed with ASD:

Failing to, or being slow to respond to someone calling their name
Resists cuddling and holding and seems to prefer playing alone, retreating into his or her own world.
Makes little eye contact and lacks facial expression
Doesn’t speak or has delayed speech, or loses previous ability to say words or sentences.
Can’t start a conversation or keep one going
Difficulty in understanding simple questions or directions.
Limited or no expression of emotions or feelings and appears unaware of others’ feelings.
Repetitive behaviours like repeating words or phrases.
Intense and lasting interest in certain topics, such as numbers, details, or facts.
Getting upset by slight changes in a routine.
Being more or less sensitive than other people to sensory input, such as light, noise, clothing, or temperature.

The person experiencing Autism Spectrum Disorder has no control over any of these but is often and easily judged by others to be stoic, uncaring, self-centered or many other unkind and unfair ways.

Alongside these symptoms most people experiencing Autism Spectrum Disorder also have to deal with biomedical problems like Seizure disorders, Gastrointestinal disorders, Psychiatric disorders, Metabolic conditions, Sleep irregularities and Obesity. However, these issues often go unaddressed and can aggravate behaviours that seem inappropriate.

As humans, our senses (sight, sound, smell, touch, taste) are constantly sending information to our brain about our surroundings and about other people. This helps us to choose appropriate responses. And yet to cope with situations that feel uncomfortable or chaotic, each of us develop behaviours that help to calm us down, like fidgeting, biting nails or running our hand through the hair. In Autism Spectrum Disorder where the brain and its senses don’t communicate well, the brain can become overwhelmed and confused, impacting how the person sees the world. People in the spectrum may try to cope with a sensory overload like bright lights or loud sounds, smells or touch (which may feel normal to others, but extreme to them) by rocking themselves, flapping hands, swaying, spinning or doing a number of other things. These actions may seem unusual to others but it is just their way of trying to feel calm. When you see them this way, it means that they are having a hard time.

The kind thing to do is NOT to make it harder for them by getting angry, or ignoring or mocking them. Instead they need friends and family who take the time and patience to understand them and support them.

When in the spectrum, one may often have a difficult time understanding and processing societal norms, especially in terms of social interactions. It doesn’t mean that they are immature or that they don’t care. All it means is that sometimes they don’t know how they are supposed to act or respond. Impatience and misunderstanding by others can often leave people in the spectrum, feeling lonely, anxious and isolated.

They are not ill or broken.

They don’t need fixing.

They just have a different way of experiencing things around them and a unique view of the world. Contrary to popular belief people experiencing ASD also have feelings and care for others. They may not be able to pick up sarcasm but often make some of the best and most honest friends.

“I don’t want to be autistic. But I am, so don’t be mad. Be understanding.” – Carly Fleischmann

For more articles on mental health and emotional wellness, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to LIVE sessions by our Emotional Wellness Expert Divya Thampi only on GOQii Play.

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March 24, 2021 By Divya Thampi 2 Comments

5 Steps To Cure The “What Will People Think” Syndrome

You watch an invigorating dance performance on YouTube and feel your heart race and blood sing in your veins. Your love for dance has once again been roused. The image of you enthralling an auditorium full of people with your outstanding dance performance flashes through your mind – A dream you had nursed throughout your teens and 20’s. You close the door to your room, put on some music with fast beats and dance energetically in the safety of your room. You almost make up your mind that you are going to enroll for a dance class and perform to an audience sometime soon. But as the night passes and the new day breaks, you remind yourself that you have to be “practical”…

You consider yourself overweight. You are convinced that your family, friends and even strangers would laugh at you. You imagine the looks of ridicule on their faces when they get to know about your dream to dance. The decision is easy – “People see me as a responsible father, husband and professional. What would they think if they found out that I was training for dance and planning to perform in public?” And another dream is sacrificed at the altar of “What will people think”.

In my work with people, I have lost count of the number of times I have heard them say that they suppressed their needs & desires or gave up on their dreams, wishes, and hopes for a better life, because they were worried about what people would think. These wishes and dreams varied from wanting to cut their hair short or allowing themselves a weekend trip, to dreaming of starting an enterprise or wanting to walk away from an abusive relationship. I strongly suspect that “What will people think” syndrome is the single biggest killer of hopes, possibilities and dreams.

What’s Behind The Fear?

If you have had this syndrome or still do, it just shows that you are human. This is driven by our evolutionary history. Thousands of years ago when humans were hunters and gatherers, avoiding disapproval from others was important for our survival. And of course we have been further conditioned by our families and schools to see others’ approval as the gauge of our worthiness. But then how does one overcome this fear?

Some Ways To Beat The “What Will People Think Syndrome”

1. Remember, people really don’t think or care that much about you
We humans are too busy obsessing about our own lives and spend very little time thinking about others. Even when we do think about others, it is in the context of how that impacts “me”, otherwise those thoughts are momentary. If you are not convinced, consider this – how much time of your day do you spend thinking about others’ (people who you are not close to) choices about their lives, particularly what may be deemed as stupid or poor choices? 5 hours? 2 hours? Half an hour? 2 minutes? 30 seconds? I am guessing it is more like the last figure. See what I mean? And here you are trying to conform to what you assume is others’ expectation of you, just so that for those few flashing moments people may approve of you (in your imagination). When you conform to imaginary rules so as to not attract disapproval, the only thing you manage to do is live a life of insignificance and make yourself invisible. On the other hand living by your own priorities and needs makes life more meaningful and engaging.

2. Stop judging and gossiping
We have a tendency to second guess other people’s reaction based on our own. Hence if you are in the habit of making judgmental, insensitive comments about others and are easily given to reveling in juicy pieces of gossip, it’s only natural for you to worry about others’ judging you the same way. So when you make it a practice to think compassionately about others, your worry about others’ judgment also diminishes.

3. Be accepting and kind to yourself
The people who fear judgment the most are the ones who judge THEMSELVES very harshly. When you are disapproving of yourself, then it is only natural for your mind to look for approval from others. That’s the only way to survive. I recently heard a well known actress admit during an interview that she used to constantly worry about her acne and imagined that when people spoke to her they only saw her acne. And she then went on to do her first movie while the acne still existed and she was amazed at how no one seemed to care about her acne. When we judge ourselves harshly we are constantly looking for cues for others’ disapproval and find it even where there is none. So spare yourself the torture by being kind and accepting of yourself.

4. Protect your dreams from harm
Many times it is our very own families and loved ones that plant the fear about other people’s opinions. They are just projecting their own insecurities on to you. Hence when you have ideas that you want to try out and suspect that your immediate family may not be thrilled about the idea, don’t share it with them till you have a clearer plan about how you want to take it forward. But do share it with one or two people who you know would support and encourage you. Your dream is like a seed. Once planted you need to water and nurture it and protect it from weeds and pests. Once the sapling grows into a strong plant and then a tree, it can withstand the strong sun and the storms. Same applies to your ideas and dreams.

5. Feel the fear and do it anyway
Rather than trying to avoid fear altogether, focus on taking action even when you feel worried or scared about other people’s reactions. Two things happen. One, you will realise that your anticipation of how others would react is either unfounded or exaggerated. Secondly you will feel more confident about the direction you want to move in, once you take the first few steps, rather than feeling confused and stuck.

Conclusion

You owe it to yourself to give yourself a chance and live a life that is genuinely joyful and meaningful. Your values and desires exist for a reason. Get out there and experiment with life, allow yourself to perspire, attract some unfavourable attention, fail a few times, laugh at yourself, get your hands dirty, stain your clothes; use up all those ideas, talents and gifts that you came to this earth with, because the best gift you can give this world is to be truly yourself!

We hope this article helps you overcome the “What will people think” syndrome. Do let us know your thoughts in the comments below. For more from our Emotional Wellness Expert Divya Thampi, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to her LIVE sessions on GOQii Play. Subscribe now!

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