emotional wellness Archives

January 5, 2022 By Divya Thampi Leave a Comment

What I Learned About Bringing A Real Change In Self

It wasn’t long ago that two of us friends visited a common friend and her family. As we all got chatting on a particularly interesting topic, I grew excited and participated enthusiastically. Everyone seemed to have a good time and I went back in good spirits pondering about some of the things we spoke about.

A few weeks later the friend who had accompanied me for the visit, gently pointed out to me that I had dominated the conversation that evening; chiming in more often than was necessary, cutting off others in my enthusiasm. As he shared his observation, I could feel the blood rushing to my head. Every cell in my body demanded that I put this friend in his place by giving free reign to the hurtful words that awaited their release from the tip of my tongue.

All through the din of my internal battle drums, a very quiet voice from somewhere close to my heart, stopped me. It calmly pointed out that may be this friend was not so completely wrong. But I still hadn’t reached a place of unconditional self-acceptance so as to receive such feedback with grace and gratitude. I was foaming at the mouth instead.

Just about managing to hold back the venom that was ready to spew through my words, I sat through the next 5 minutes in stoic silence letting my loving friend squirm in discomfort, though he deserved better for his courage and honesty. With the passing of minutes I managed to calm down sufficiently to be decent to him. We even managed to finish our coffee and share a few smiles before going off our different ways.

That evening I sat with my journal painfully writing down an honest account of what had happened on that particular evening — the evening of the get- together, when I was supposed to have been behaving like a self-centred loud mouth. As I sifted through the scenes, it became clear that my friend had been spot on in his feedback.

As all of us had engaged in discussing and debating on an interesting topic, I had kept pushing my point of view, expressing my thoughts and increasing my volume just a wee bit, enough to suppress any attempts by others to oppose me, not pausing for breath; almost as if I was scared that if I paused someone may take my place as the Prima donna.

I remembered observing and ignoring fleeting expressions of frustration and impatience on the listeners faces, as they experienced themselves being cut off half way through their sentences. I recalled the grace with which they chose to listen to me rather than express their irritation. I even remember having the nagging feeling that I should stop, slow down, pause and let others participate, but something kept egging me on. This “something” is what I was scared to confront. Because according to my judgment this “something” — the need to feel important, made me a pathetic person.

I felt embarrassment and anger course through me — Embarrassment about my appalling behaviour and anger towards myself for not doing better. After a few hours of internal battle, I came out relatively unscathed, resolving to work on changing my behaviour. I am glad to say that I have made progress since then.

As I looked back on that evening of introspection and asked – why was the experience so painful? What was it that helped me come out a better person, through it? This is what I learnt.

I had experienced shame and anger at the beginning because I had been judgmental about myself, telling myself that I was expected to be thoughtful and considerate at all times. Effectively I was holding myself up to standards that I may never be able to live up to — of not making mistakes. However after calming down with a few deep breaths, I had told myself what I tell many of my clients, who are trying to bring about change in themselves — You are more than your words and actions; acknowledging a flaw in a behaviour does not imply that you are a bad person. I had practiced with great difficulty what I preach to my clients — self-compassion and self-love.

I had held myself lovingly through the pain of knowing that in those moments I must have behaved like a selfish inconsiderate idiot, but had also assured myself that I still wasn’t any of that; that it was a behaviour demonstrated in a moment of ignorance and poor judgment; that I was capable of bringing about change. I had reminded myself that pain is the strongest indicator of growth.

Self-compassion and self-love had saved the day. And I will admit that it is not always easy to practice these. I had help — help in the form of all those friends and family who, in my life journey, not only showed me compassion but also let me know that I was loved, through my moments of weakness and strength; help in the form of those masters and authors who made themselves the instrument of change and generously laid out their life experiments for others like me, to learn from; help in the form of clients who dug deep into their being, to come up with the courage to care for themselves despite their flaws. I was grateful to them for allowing me to witness the transformation they brought in themselves with such love, for instilling in me the confidence that true personal growth needs a mix of honesty, courage, love and self-compassion and for giving me the inspiration to grow.

As I write this I wish and hope that more of us can practice self-compassion and self-love because we need it, we deserve it and because I am convinced that the only way we can bring about substantial change and growth in ourselves, is through love and compassion.

#BeTheForce

December 30, 2021 By Divya Thampi 1 Comment

4 Reasons Why Affirmations Are Not Working For You

Affirmations are statements that firmly declare a positive intention, stated as a truth, so as to make these thoughts a part of your reality. For example, someone who wants to improve their physical health may use affirmations like “I am healthy and well”, “I radiate good health” or “I love feeling fit and strong” or all of them. Generally, affirmations are used repetitively at certain times of the day.

The idea behind using affirmations is to bring about a shift in our thoughts and beliefs. We humans have approximately 60000 thoughts in a single day and more often than not, we are unaware of our thoughts, they just stream through our minds constantly. What we think repeatedly and frequently slowly becomes our beliefs. And beliefs have the power to change reality. Thus, by influencing our thoughts, affirmations have the power to change our beliefs and reality.

How Do Affirmations Work?

In a study, individuals diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa (an eating disorder characterized by an abnormally low body weight, an intense fear of gaining weight and a distorted perception of weight) were asked to walk through a doorway that became increasingly narrower. They found that these individuals started turning their body when the doorway was 40% wider than their shoulders while another set of individuals, without the diagnosis, turned only when the doorway was 25% wider than their shoulders. This pointed to the self-talk of the diagnosed individuals which made them believe that they were physically bigger than they actually were. In another study a group of patients who were due for a surgical procedure of the knee for osteoarthritis were divided into 2 groups. One went through the surgery while the other had a sham surgery i.e they had an incision made on their knee and the procedure was faked so that these patients believed that a surgery had been performed on them. The results were amazing because both the groups recovered equally. This is proof that the human mind has the power to make things happen if it believes in them.

Due to something called negativity bias (the tendency to focus on potential threats and difficulties) we humans tend to focus on negative aspects of our day to day life. When affirmations are used correctly, they can slowly replace the negative thoughts and help our mind to focus on not just what’s going well but seed the image of a reality that fits with our hopes and wishes.

Affirmation can slowly become a subconscious part of our thinking and belief system and the changes we wish to make in our lives will happen effortlessly. This sounds really simple and effective. Then why doesn’t it work as effectively for some?

Reasons Why They Fail Sometimes, And What To Do About It

Here are 4 reasons why their efficacy may be low for some:

Contradicting practice – Many people may repeat the affirmations verbally or in writing once a day but say things and behave in ways that contradict these affirmations. For example, someone who wants to get a great job may be using affirmations like “I see myself in my dream job” for 10 minutes in the morning but for the rest of the day may be saying things like “It is tough times and jobs are not easy to come by” or “With my qualifications I don’t know if I can get a job I want.” Pay attention to your day today thoughts and words and use them in ways that match with the affirmations.
Not focusing emotionally – A very important factor for the affirmations to work is that one should focus on experiencing the feelings that come with the affirmative thought. We may be parroting the words without truly focusing and thus failing to generate the emotion. Positive emotion is the fuel that will push your desires to reality.
Using future tense – The affirmations have to be in present tense. If you use an affirmation like “I will be healthy and fit” your subconscious mind will always see it as something that is supposed to happen in the future, a future that never arrives. Affirmations in present tense allow you to not only picturize the possibility but also help you in experiencing the feelings that would accompany the accomplishment.
Framing affirmations negatively – Many of us find it easier to talk about what we don’t like or don’t want in our lives and this may lead to people using affirmations the same way. However, our mind thinks in images and finds it difficult to process negative words, so replace an affirmation like “I don’t feel angry all the time” with “I feel calm and at peace”.

Affirmations have the power to change your habitual thinking and alter your beliefs for the better. Come up with affirmations for 2-3 areas of your life where you want to see changes. As you continue to use these affirmations correctly and consistently, your mind will come up with ways to make them come true and attract the exact opportunities required to fulfill your dreams.

We hope you enjoyed this article. For more by our emotional wellness expert Divya Thampi, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to her sessions on GOQii Play.

#BeTheForce

November 18, 2021 By Divya Thampi Leave a Comment

Three Powerful Relaxation Techniques For Immediate Relief From Stress

“The school just expects the parents to engage children all day, my son is hardly occupied for 2 hours with online classes!”

“Don’t step out of home for the next few days, the neighbors just arrived from their home town. They could be infected.”

“I have been sitting at my home study desk, attending calls all day, my brain’s fried!”

Those seem to be some common themes of many a conversation happening around us today. Is it any surprise that people are more stressed than usual? These are unprecedented times and if you find yourself feeling sad, anxious, angry, confused or scared without explanation, you are not alone. The specific reasons for the stress experienced during these times are as varied as the people themselves but there’s hardly anyone who can escape the clutches of stress. How does one remain grounded and feel a sense of equanimity in the midst of all that’s going on during these COVID times? Here’s help!

Following are three go-to relaxation techniques that therapists use to help their clients relax. Not all techniques may work for everyone but at least one of these should work for you:

1. Progressive Muscle relaxation

This exercise is very effective in lowering stress levels and can also reduce physical problems like headaches or stomachaches that accompany feelings of stress. This practice also improves sleep. When you are stressed your muscles tighten without your conscious awareness. Regular practice of PMR helps you to become aware of the difference between a tensed muscle and a completely relaxed muscle, thus improving your ability to recognize your bodily response to anxiety and mitigate it.

Sit down on a chair with a backrest such that you are sitting erect but not tensed.
Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.
Once you breath slows down, progressively tighten one muscle group (neck and shoulders or upper arm and lower arm) at a time for about 10-15 seconds.
Once the time is up, release the tension in the muscles completely with a long exhalation and observe the sensation in the relaxed muscles.
Continue this with each muscle group from head to feet.
You could do this 2-3 times a day and even before going to bed.
Avoid doing this with any part where there is a sprain or other injury.

2. Diaphragmatic Breathing –

Also known as belly breathing, it is the optimal way of breathing as it actively engages your diaphragm. Belly breathing leads to improved oxygen flow to the rest of the body. This kind of breathing triggers a relaxation response by stimulating the vagus nerve, the longest nerve emanating from the brain. This nerve has a significant role to play in reducing blood pressure, heart rate, improving calmness, relaxation, and digestion. When engaging in breath based meditations most people practice belly breathing. Chest breathing is something we learned to do as a reaction to stress. For belly breathing, follow these steps:

Sit comfortably or lie flat on your bed or any other comfortable surface and relax your shoulders.
Place one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach.
Breathe in through your nose for 2-10 seconds (according to your capacity).
Feel the cool air moving through your nostrils into your abdomen, making your stomach inflate. During this type of breathing, make sure your stomach is moving outward while your chest remains relatively still.
Press gently on your stomach, and exhale slowly for about 2-10 seconds.
With every exhalation you will notice the stomach deflate under your palm
Repeat these steps several times and observe your body relax.

3. Guided Imagery

This is a focused practice that involves all or most of the 5 senses, to kindle calming responses in the mind and the body. Guided imagery uses imagination to take one to a calm, peaceful place, internally. This is a powerful tool that has a positive impact on blood pressure, breathing, oxygenation and heart rate. It can reduce pain and also improve the healing process of the body and mind. Our body reacts the same whether we experience something in reality or imagine it. So when you imagine yourself sitting in a beautiful green meadow and watching a clear stream of water flow over smoothened rocks, your body responds as if you were actually in the meadow.

Sit down or lie down comfortably and close your eyes.
Take a few deep breaths to help you relax.
Imagine a scene that is calm and peaceful. This could be a beach, a meadow, a valley, the mountains or a riverside, according to your preference.
Visualise the scene and slowly add some details, like a gentle breeze, fragrance of the grass, gurgling sound of water or the chirping of birds. Is the sky a clear blue or do you see fluffy white clouds?
It helps to visualise you walking through the scene and experiencing the beauty and serenity using all your senses.
And as you walk through the scene and go deeper you feel more and more relaxed.
Continue to breathe slowly and experience the sense of peace that envelops your body and mind. Think of a word or sound that you can use in the future to help you mentally return to this place.
When you feel ready, gently bring yourself back to the present. Tell yourself that you will feel relaxed and refreshed when this is done and slowly open your eyes. Notice how you feel right now.
You could also use a recorded guided imagery audio, which is generally available on many of the free versions of meditation apps.

We hope these powerful relaxation techniques help you find relief from stress. Do let us know your thoughts in the comments below! For more articles on stress and stress management, check out Healthy Reads or ask a GOQii Coach directly by subscribing for personalized coaching here: https://goqiiapp.page.link/bsr

#BeTheForce

October 10, 2021 By Divya Thampi 5 Comments

Let’s Talk About Mental Health

Last year, we released a study that revealed how 43% Indians are plagued with depression. But surprisingly, even in large metros like Mumbai, awareness of mental health is low, stigma is high and discrimination against people with mental health concerns is a harsh reality. The very recommendation that one should see a therapist or a mental health professional is received with distaste at best and anger at worst.

What is Mental Health?

The world over ‘Mental Health’ week is being observed but do we understand ‘Mental Health’? It is important that we first understand what “Mental Health” means. It does not just refer to the absence of illness, rather it denotes a state of mind that allows people to believe in their abilities, work productively, cope effectively with day to day stressors, reach out for help when feeling overwhelmed, relate to others, and to work towards their highest potential.

While the mental health condition of a person is established by the individual’s ability to manage his/her thoughts, feelings, actions and interactions with others, mental illnesses and disorders are often caused by a combination of factors including social discrimination, lack of protective policies, poor working conditions, poverty, lack of education, below average living standards, abuse (verbal, physical and sexual) and absence of familial or/and social support systems. It is true that certain genetics and specific personality attributes can make people more vulnerable to mental health issues, however contrary to popular belief, these are neither the only nor the most significant contributors to mental illnesses or disorders.

According to a survey conducted nationally, in 2018, on the attitudes towards people affected by mental health concerns, the top three attitudes prevalent in India were found to be the following:

People with mental illness should not be given any responsibility
One of the main causes of mental illness is a lack of self-discipline and will-power
Mentally unhealthy people should have their own groups – healthy people need not be contaminated by them.

If one is diagnosed with cancer or with Malaria, would we ask them to get their act together and get better or expect them to use will-power to cure themselves? In terms of its prevalence and the number of people impacted by it, mental health issues are no different to physical health concerns and they need to be addressed with the same care and concern that is adapted to tackle a physical ailment, rather than with disdain and scorn.

With the existing attitudes, it comes as no surprise that the affected people, as well as the families, refrain from talking about their concerns or seeking the support they need due to the fear of being judged or labelled. But there are changes each of us can make that will help in creating an environment that promotes positive mental health.

Here are four steps you could take to do your bit in reducing social stigma attached to mental health concerns:

1. Educate Yourself About Mental Illnesses

General beliefs that people with mental illness are dangerous or are violent are myths which have unfortunately been propagated by movies. Often people with mental illnesses are victims of violence and abuse themselves. Question every stereotype and treat people with respect, irrespective of their diagnoses.

2. Stop Using Labels

Often people say things like ‘she is depressed’ or ‘he is schizophrenic’. The mental illness that someone deals with, is just one aspect of their lives and not their identity. Hence use language that separates the person from the health issue. For example, we could say “she deals with depression” or “he’s been diagnosed with schizophrenia”. Use language that’s respectful and sensitive.

3. Support People

Remember that people who deal with mental health issues make important contributions to the world. Did you know that Mr. Kjell Magne Bondevik, the ex-Prime Minister of Norway had suffered from a depressive episode in August 1998 while he was still in power? He took some time out to recover and continued as PM till March 2000. Do not judge people to be incompetent or dismiss their capabilities based on a mental health condition they may be suffering from. Treat people with dignity, just like you would like to be treated yourself, had you been in their position. Encourage the actions that your own family members and friends take to overcome mental illness, support their efforts to get well and lead productive lives.

4. Encourage & Initiate Open Discussions

If you yourself have dealt with or are dealing with mental health issues, talk about it. Your courage will help in creating awareness and empower many others. If it is a family member or friend who is dealing with it, talk openly regarding the illness with their permission and in doing so, you will take away the shame attached to it.

The first Director-General of the World Health Organization (WHO), Dr. Brock Chisholm, in 1954, had quite aptly declared that “without mental health, there can be no true physical health.” On this very important day, let’s pledge to do our bit by becoming advocates to reducing the stigma surrounding mental health concerns and promote a world of inclusion and sensitivity.

For more on Mental Health, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to Emotional Wellness Expert Divya Thampi’s classes on GOQii Play.

#BeTheForce