emotional wellness Archives

March 24, 2021 By Divya Thampi Leave a Comment

5 Steps To Cure The “What Will People Think” Syndrome

You watch an invigorating dance performance on YouTube and feel your heart race and blood sing in your veins. Your love for dance has once again been roused. The image of you enthralling an auditorium full of people with your outstanding dance performance flashes through your mind – A dream you had nursed throughout your teens and 20’s. You close the door to your room, put on some music with fast beats and dance energetically in the safety of your room. You almost make up your mind that you are going to enroll for a dance class and perform to an audience sometime soon. But as the night passes and the new day breaks, you remind yourself that you have to be “practical”…

You consider yourself overweight. You are convinced that your family, friends and even strangers would laugh at you. You imagine the looks of ridicule on their faces when they get to know about your dream to dance. The decision is easy – “People see me as a responsible father, husband and professional. What would they think if they found out that I was training for dance and planning to perform in public?” And another dream is sacrificed at the altar of “What will people think”.

In my work with people, I have lost count of the number of times I have heard them say that they suppressed their needs & desires or gave up on their dreams, wishes, and hopes for a better life, because they were worried about what people would think. These wishes and dreams varied from wanting to cut their hair short or allowing themselves a weekend trip, to dreaming of starting an enterprise or wanting to walk away from an abusive relationship. I strongly suspect that “What will people think” syndrome is the single biggest killer of hopes, possibilities and dreams.

What’s Behind The Fear?

If you have had this syndrome or still do, it just shows that you are human. This is driven by our evolutionary history. Thousands of years ago when humans were hunters and gatherers, avoiding disapproval from others was important for our survival. And of course we have been further conditioned by our families and schools to see others’ approval as the gauge of our worthiness. But then how does one overcome this fear?

Some Ways To Beat The “What Will People Think Syndrome”

1. Remember, people really don’t think or care that much about you
We humans are too busy obsessing about our own lives and spend very little time thinking about others. Even when we do think about others, it is in the context of how that impacts “me”, otherwise those thoughts are momentary. If you are not convinced, consider this – how much time of your day do you spend thinking about others’ (people who you are not close to) choices about their lives, particularly what may be deemed as stupid or poor choices? 5 hours? 2 hours? Half an hour? 2 minutes? 30 seconds? I am guessing it is more like the last figure. See what I mean? And here you are trying to conform to what you assume is others’ expectation of you, just so that for those few flashing moments people may approve of you (in your imagination). When you conform to imaginary rules so as to not attract disapproval, the only thing you manage to do is live a life of insignificance and make yourself invisible. On the other hand living by your own priorities and needs makes life more meaningful and engaging.

2. Stop judging and gossiping
We have a tendency to second guess other people’s reaction based on our own. Hence if you are in the habit of making judgmental, insensitive comments about others and are easily given to reveling in juicy pieces of gossip, it’s only natural for you to worry about others’ judging you the same way. So when you make it a practice to think compassionately about others, your worry about others’ judgment also diminishes.

3. Be accepting and kind to yourself
The people who fear judgment the most are the ones who judge THEMSELVES very harshly. When you are disapproving of yourself, then it is only natural for your mind to look for approval from others. That’s the only way to survive. I recently heard a well known actress admit during an interview that she used to constantly worry about her acne and imagined that when people spoke to her they only saw her acne. And she then went on to do her first movie while the acne still existed and she was amazed at how no one seemed to care about her acne. When we judge ourselves harshly we are constantly looking for cues for others’ disapproval and find it even where there is none. So spare yourself the torture by being kind and accepting of yourself.

4. Protect your dreams from harm
Many times it is our very own families and loved ones that plant the fear about other people’s opinions. They are just projecting their own insecurities on to you. Hence when you have ideas that you want to try out and suspect that your immediate family may not be thrilled about the idea, don’t share it with them till you have a clearer plan about how you want to take it forward. But do share it with one or two people who you know would support and encourage you. Your dream is like a seed. Once planted you need to water and nurture it and protect it from weeds and pests. Once the sapling grows into a strong plant and then a tree, it can withstand the strong sun and the storms. Same applies to your ideas and dreams.

5. Feel the fear and do it anyway
Rather than trying to avoid fear altogether, focus on taking action even when you feel worried or scared about other people’s reactions. Two things happen. One, you will realise that your anticipation of how others would react is either unfounded or exaggerated. Secondly you will feel more confident about the direction you want to move in, once you take the first few steps, rather than feeling confused and stuck.

Conclusion

You owe it to yourself to give yourself a chance and live a life that is genuinely joyful and meaningful. Your values and desires exist for a reason. Get out there and experiment with life, allow yourself to perspire, attract some unfavourable attention, fail a few times, laugh at yourself, get your hands dirty, stain your clothes; use up all those ideas, talents and gifts that you came to this earth with, because the best gift you can give this world is to be truly yourself!

We hope this article helps you overcome the “What will people think” syndrome. Do let us know your thoughts in the comments below. For more from our Emotional Wellness Expert Divya Thampi, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to her LIVE sessions on GOQii Play. Subscribe now!

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February 24, 2021 By Divya Thampi 1 Comment

3 Super Simple Ways to Overcome Anxiety Induced Procrastination

procrastination

/prə(ʊ)ˌkrastɪˈneɪʃ(ə)n/

(noun) the action of delaying or postponing something.

Amit wakes up with a feeling of dread. Even before his mind can tell him what is wrong, he can feel anxiety and guilt start to overpower him. Then it registers. He’s woken up late! Yet again!!

He was supposed to wake up at 6, do his yoga, meditate, get a few chores done and get started with work at 8.30 am. Instead, here he was, staring at the hands of the clock insisting that it was 8.30 am, and feeling miserable.

“I have ruined the day before it even started!!” he moans.

Trying to salvage the rest of his day, he quickly brushes his teeth, rushes through part of the morning routine and sits down at his desk at 10 am. As he starts wondering what tasks he needs to get done during the day, his mind comes up with one really important task.

As soon as he gets ready to work on the first task his mind reminds him about the deadline for sending in suggestions for his team meeting. So he closes the file he had opened and goes on to open his email. And before he can get to the email with the attachment he is looking for, he is greeted by the deluge of new unread emails waiting to be opened. His heart beats faster, breath gets quicker and despite the cool morning, his palms get clammy with perspiration.

As he tries to quickly skim through the unread emails, his mind keeps reminding him that he is already behind with the things he’s supposed to get done today and simultaneously points out that had he woken up on time, he would have been done with at least two of these tasks.

Once again, he experiences a surge of hopelessness, guilt and shame wash through him. He gives into the routine of berating himself and thinking of all the times that he has done this before and hears his mind say things like:

“Who are you trying to fool? You know very well that this is who you really are – this lazy, undisciplined, good for nothing failure who is never going to amount to much! Stop telling yourself that you will somehow turn a new leaf, become disciplined overnight and transform into the epitome of efficiency, effectiveness and success. Just accept that this is never going to change. You are destined to live the life of a loser.”

Inexplicably, Amit feels exhausted and turns to his phone and thoughtlessly opens up Instagram. He scrolls down thinking that he will just check out a couple of posts. But the next time he looks at the clock it is already 12 noon. Feeling totally dejected, he decides to have some snacks and polishes off a large packet of wafers in no time. He spends the rest of the day feeling lethargic and getting very little done.

Does all this sound familiar? If it does, you are not alone. Even the most capable and intelligent people experience this every once in a while and more people than you could imagine, deal with this regularly.

But let’s take a closer look at what’s going on here. If you are thinking that the issue is Amit’s habit of waking up late, you are wrong. That is not the primary issue. While good sleep habits are important and need to be managed, life will invariably throw you curveballs that will disrupt your plan one way or the other. In this case, waking up late led to Amit losing about an hour of personal preparation time and 90 minutes of work time, which totals up to 150 minutes. If he had gone on to use the rest of the day well, He would have lost only about 2 hours of productive time. But the issue was that anxiety, guilt and shame overpowered him and made it impossible for him to utilise the rest of his time. And he lost over 5 hours instead of 2.5.

So you see, the biggest problem in most situations is not so much the interruption of plans, but our inability to manage our self talk and the resultant anxiety. Here are 3 simple steps you can take to overcome anxiety induced procrastination.

3 Simple Steps To Overcome Anxiety Induced Procrastination

Three top tasks for the next day: Before you finish for the day, write down the things that you’d like to get done the next day. Now circle the three most important things on the list. Make these very specific. For example, instead of writing “Get started on the report”, you could write “Have the first draft of the report ready”. Now rank them in the order in which you’d like to get it done and write down an approximate amount of time you expect each of these tasks to take. You see, when you are ready to start in the morning, your mind is ready for action mode, but if you give it the job of deciding WHAT TO DO, it is going to take up precious energy and working memory space, leaving very little of the energy and focus to actually get the job done. However, at the end of the day when your mind is still in work mode, it is far easier to think about what you’d like to get done the next day. And the next morning, you can channel all your enthusiasm into working on the tasks.
Tackle the anxiety: If things aren’t panning out the way you planned them to, take a few minutes to become aware of the self talk which tries to thrash you. Acknowledge the need behind the anxiety – The need to get things done. Focus on your breath for a few more minutes and ground yourself. Remind yourself that plans getting waylaid is a common occurrence in every one’s life and as long as you are human, it is going to happen once in a while. Ditch the “All or Nothing” thinking that your mind tries to sell you. Remember that if you were to stay calm, you can still achieve a big part of what you set out to do that day. If you notice the anxiety reappearing, schedule 30 minutes of “worry time” towards the evening – a slot of time where you give a free reign to worry and anxiety. And each time you notice anxious thoughts returning, remind your mind that you can do the worrying during the allocated half an hour, not before or after.
Time your tasks and take breaks: Look at your task list and start with task no 1, with a timer set to half an hour by your side. If your mind comes up with distractive thoughts while you are at the task, note down the thought in your physical or digital notepad so that you can look at it after you have worked on this task for a continuous half an hour. Same applies to any other external distractions you may face. Getting a phone call? Send them a text that you will call them back after half an hour; reminded of an email response you were supposed to send this morning? Jot down a reminder about it on your notepad and get back to the task you were doing. When you have put in a solid half an hour of focus, take a break and do any quick calls or messaging from your notepad list and get back to working on the task for another half an hour with a timer. Keep working with half an hour chunks of time with 5 min breaks in between. This will help your mind remain super focused.

Whether you are a working professional, a student, a consultant, a home maker or an entrepreneur, these steps are applicable to each one of you. Procrastination is not caused by laziness, rather it is the mind’s way of coping with increasing anxiety. The above mentioned steps are healthier ways to overcome anxiety induced procrastination, thus making it possible to take action, and to progress towards your goals.

We hope this article on 3 simple ways to overcome anxiety induced procrastination helps you! Do let us know your thoughts in the comments below! For more articles like this, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to LIVE sessions by our Emotional Wellness Expert Divya Thampi only on GOQii Play.

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February 19, 2021 By Pallavi Barnwal Leave a Comment

Principles for Handling Couple Misunderstandings

Misunderstandings are a common occurrence in most couple relationships, my life being no different. When I look back and when I look around, I see a lot of times fights erupt because of different or mismatching perspectives of looking at the same issue. Yes, these are some of the commonly heard grievances that couples voice out against each other.

“I wish you had understood me better!”

“You made a decision and did not even think once about me?”

“You always have your own ways in our relationship, never thinking once about me.”

A lot of times, these small misunderstandings get blown out of proportion when the accused person refuses to take up supposed responsibility. I am saying “supposed” because it is not yet confirmed that one person is indeed right. Relationships, after all, are a “subjective” affair with no clear right or wrong. It is on the basis of our belief systems, core values, past experiences, upbringing background that we decide the right or wrong in a given situation. The thing to be noted is in a relationship, we are dealing with two different people who can have two different schools of thought.

Best Practices To Solve Couple Misunderstandings

How do you arrive at a consensus or a mutual ground when a misunderstanding emerges between you and your partner? I am sharing the following best practices/principles to solve the misunderstandings that happen unexpectedly in a relationship.

Principle 1: Misunderstandings are Natural and Unavoidable

Principle 2: Cultural Differences are a Breeding Ground for Misunderstandings

Principle 3: Connect-the-Dot Understanding Usually Replaces Real Understanding

Principle 4: Move from Being Right to Being Curious

Principle 5: Ask questions — Lots of Them!

Principle 6: Recognize that We All Speak a Different Language

Principle 7: Be Responsible for making Sure You Understand and are Understood

Principle 8: Don’t Assume Others Will Connect the Dots Accurately

Principle 9: Leave the Assumption Warehouse. Speak Your Experience — Not Your Conclusions.

Principle 10: Tone and Body Language Matter

Principle 11: Don’t Confuse Feelings and Judgements

Principle 12: Stay in Your Green Zone — If You Assume, Assume Benevolence

There’s no way around it, being misunderstood sucks. It can make you feel frustrated, upset, and hopeless. It can feel even worse in times of conflict. I faced this once when the man of the house had 2 men coming unplanned with liquor and after a drinking round, one of them lost their senses. I reacted in that situation and it pained me intensely to see that man found no reason in my distress! Yes, I was partly misunderstood and was not taken seriously. I suffered greatly from that lack of attunement.

This is because one of our deepest needs is for others to understand or tune into us. This desire to be “seen” begins right from our childhood. Take kids, for example: when they play hide-and-seek, they love to be found. Yes, misunderstandings are unavoidable but approaching this situation with the right tools and understanding, you have a great leeway to turn this conflict into a catalyst for connection.

We hope this article helps you form a stronger connection with your partner! Do leave your thoughts in the comments below. For more articles by our Sexual Wellness Expert Pallavi Barnwal, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to her LIVE sessions on GOQii Play. You can also connect with her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pallavibarnwalcoach

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Disclaimer: Reader discretion is advised. This content is for an older, mature audience who seek to improve their health and wellness. GOQii is not responsible for any misrepresentation of this information.

February 18, 2021 By Gitanjali Bahl 1 Comment

Healthy Habits to Reduce Stress

Ever felt like you don’t have the time to eat, exercise, or interact with friends and family? Have deadlines and responsibilities chained you down in more ways than one? Do you spend most of your time at work with little activity? Are all these situations creating a stressful environment and draining you of your energy and mental health?

If your answer to the above was a yes, it is time you addressed these issues. Coping with expectations at work and at home can be taxing. While these are important, remember that nothing is worth it when it comes at the expense of your health.

The simplest way to reduce stress is to keep your mind at ease and your body healthy with simple lifestyle changes and time management. Letting go of bad habits and introducing a few healthy tweaks can help you rekindle your relationship with your mind and body!

Here are a few changes you can make to reduce stress:

Always start your day with breathing exercises or meditation which can keep you calm. You can practice the different forms of Pranayama or some basic stretches that reduce stress and keep you energized throughout the day. To learn how you can meditate the right way, join our GOQii Play Coaches Sheetal Tewari and Ronak Gajjar live on the GOQii app. (www.goqii.com/app)
Spend some time to plan your tasks for the day. This will keep you more organized and prevent any last-minute rushes that could lead to stress.
Avoid gadgets as much as you can. Use them only for work or as and when needed. Relying too much on your gadgets can cut you off from the real world. Overindulgence in gadgets is known to cause depression as well. Limit your usage timings or fix a particular time for them. Avoid them at least for an hour or two before sleep.
Set alarms for water intake: Dehydration affects the level of cortisol in your body. Cortisol is a stress hormone that not only affects your mind but your body as well. Maintaining water levels in your body can help you reduce stress.
Walk whenever possible: If your workplace is at a walking distance, then walk or cycle rather than using a vehicle. You can even walk while taking calls, after lunch or take a few short walks in between work. Walking releases endorphins which elevate your mood, it also improves your heart rate. Remember to choose stairs as opposed to escalators or elevators as it is the best and easiest form of exercise!
Take a break: Spend some time with family, relatives and friends. Having a healthy social life is important to form deeper connections and make life more meaningful.
Plan a trip or a vacation with your close ones. In fact, you can even go solo! A change in environment and meeting new people will help you exchange thoughts and ideas, boost your creativity and help you be more positive.
Eat fruits everyday: Different fruits provide different nutrients that help reduce stress. For instance, Bananas have Tryptophan, Avocados have Vitamin B, Sweet Potatoes have Potassium and Magnesium, all of which help in bringing stress levels down.
Indulge in hobbies irrespective of how busy you are. Hobbies help you relax. Whether it is a sport, listening to or practicing music, traveling or painting, set some time aside to do the things you love and your life will be enriched!

Remember the old saying, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”? It’s true! Take some time out for yourself. If you’re only working and aren’t playing then are you really living? Your work targets can be achieved, your relationships with your friends and family can be sustained but only if you are healthy. Make physical and mental health a priority!

Want to know more about managing stress? Check out Healthy Reads or tune in to LIVE sessions by our experts on GOQii Play.

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