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November 20, 2020 By Pallavi Barnwal Leave a Comment

6 Main Sex Related Myths That Can Destroy Your Sex Life

Sex is a rarely discussed subject in the public domain and that leads to spreading a lot of misinformation out there, which leads to unrealistic expectations and disappointment. Despite being a sex educator, I myself had been living in one of these sex related myths that had a mighty toll on my relationship and hence, it becomes important to discuss all those sex related myths that we carry as beliefs in our intimate relationships. Let us bust all of them, one by one!

Myth #1 – You Should Spontaneously Want Sex

Most people believe that sex drive should be spontaneous. But it can never be possible, at the exact same moment, both you and your partner should feel the desire for sex. Typically, in a relationship, one person becomes the initiator while the other is the responder. You may also have realized that you’ve been labeling yourself or your partner as “low desire” simply because you didn’t understand the difference between Spontaneous and Responsive sex drive, and what each type needs.

Here’s the basic difference: Spontaneous libido types first feel mental desire for sex and then they seek out physical stimulation. Responsive libido types people need to be physically stimulated first, then they’ll feel mental desire. In other words: Spontaneous feel turned on, get physical – Responsive get physical, feel turned on.

If your partner is not initiating sex, it does not mean ‘always’ that they do not want it. It can also mean that their sexual drive is responsive, they are comfortable responding and not initiating. If you’re a Responsive sex drive type, you’re rarely going to be spontaneously interested in sex. It’s not the way your body works.

Myth #2 – If Your Partner Doesn’t Want Sex, It’s Because They Aren’t Attracted To You

This has happened with me when the man did not want sex because he was on a vow of celibacy. I felt deeply rejected and all that time he was saying do not take this as a rejection. It is not about you. But I would simply not believe it.

If your partner doesn’t want to have sex – either in a particular moment, or if they generally have a lower sex drive than you – it’s easy to take it personally. You worry that your partner is starting to see you as their roommate, not their lover.

The Truth: There can be tons of different reasons why people don’t feel interested in sex (stress, health issues, depression, body image, etc.). Only one of those reasons is not being attracted to your partner.

Myth #3 – If Your Partner Wants Sex, It’s Just Because They’re Horny

I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I had faced this misunderstanding time and again in a relationship by the man who felt all I am interested in is getting physical pleasure. He failed to see that it is a way of a deep intimate, emotional connection for me. It’s funny, we take it personally when our partners don’t want sex, but when they do want sex, we tend to de-personalize it! You may think your partner only wants sex to get the physical sensations, and you’re just a vessel for them to get off.

The Truth: Sure, it’s nice to feel physical pleasure and have an orgasm, but that’s just one of the many reasons why we have sex. The truth is that sex is an emotional experience for most of us. Having sex is a way for us to physically express our love, affection, and attraction. If you and your partner have been battling with mismatched sex drives for a while, I can say for certain that the higher sex drive partner misses feeling connected, playful, and intimate way more than they miss having orgasms.

Myth #4 – Men Always Want It More

This is such a harmful myth for heterosexual couples. In couples where the woman has a higher sex drive, the man feels emasculated, the woman feels unfeminine, and their sex life almost always comes to a grinding halt.

The Truth: We’re all unique. There are some men who want sex more often than women, and some women who want sex more than men. Wanting a lot of sex as a woman doesn’t make you unfeminine. Not wanting sex as frequently as a man doesn’t make you un-masculine.

Myth # 5 – You Can’t Change Your Sex Drive

If you’re like most people, you think of your sex drive as you think of your physical traits. Just like you can’t make yourself grow taller or have smaller feet, you can’t change your sex drive. I see a lot of couples where the man reaches out bothered, “My wife is not at all interested in sex.”

The Truth: Great news! You absolutely do have control over your sex drive. You can make active changes to create the sex drive that you want. And it’s going to be way easier than you think it is!

Myth #6 – You Shouldn’t Have To Work On Your Sex Life

If there’s one myth that I think is more common and more dangerous than all others, it’s this one. Most of us believe that great sex should just happen “naturally”. Having to put in any sort of effort is seen as a sign that something is “broken” or “not a good fit”.

The Truth: Great sex doesn’t just happen naturally. It requires consistent effort. You have the power to create the sex life that you want! And here’s the amazing secret: working on improving your sex life doesn’t have to feel like a chore. It can be incredibly fun, fulfilling, and exhilarating!

We hope this article has helped you bust all these sex related myths. For more on sexual wellness, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to LIVE sessions by our sexual wellness expert Pallavi Barnwal on GOQii Play. You can also connect with her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pallavibarnwalcoach

#BeTheForce

October 30, 2020 By Pallavi Barnwal Leave a Comment

How Often Should You Have Sex?

Men often ask me, how much sex should we be having? Can there be a number answer to it? Like thrice a week, once a week, and so on. Sex works for different people in different ways. It’s the classic chicken and egg dilemma. What comes first – happiness or frequent sex? For some people, frequent sex is what makes them happier in the relationship, whereas for others, happiness and the connection is a precondition to feeling desirous of having sex.

It’s Not An Easy Situation.

I know how painful it can be to steer through, how often to have sex. Getting turned down for it, or having to turn your partner down, is hard for couples even in a stable relationship. When the relationship is fragile due to fighting or communication problems, it can be even more problematic.

Throwing out an overly simplistic rule like “have sex thrice a week” doesn’t help matters much. There are three main reasons why I don’t support this thrice-a-week standard:

I’ve seen the stifling effects that these kind of rules and instructions can have on couples. We get bombarded by so many advices about what we’re “supposed” to do when it comes to sex (“be sexy but not too much for her”, “wait for him to initiate”, “try this position, this toy, this technique”, etc). Throwing another arbitrary rule on the table only makes the couple feel more anxiety. It means indirectly that they’re not “normal” or not measuring up and this can cripple the overall morale of the couple.

This general advice overlooks the individual reasons the couple is struggling with their sex life in the first place. The couple may have a power struggle or relationship issues that is manifesting in their bedroom. One partner might be going through biological changes that are affecting their arousal levels. The sex that they’re having may be so unpleasant/monotonous that one partner starts withdrawing. Someone might be carrying scars of past sexual abuse. The possibilities are endless, and each couple needs individualized attention rather than canned one-size-fits-all advice.

I firmly believe that the process of negotiating a sexual relationship that feels authentic, flexible, and connected is one of the most enriching experiences a couple can go through. The opportunities for personal and relational growth are immense.

So there’s no set-in-stone rule for how often couples should have sex. What’s much more important than forcing yourself to sleep together an arbitrary number of times is to find ways to talk about and work on your sex life together.

We hope this article helps you! For more on sexual wellness, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to LIVE sessions by our sexual wellness expert Pallavi Barnwal on GOQii Play. You can also connect with her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pallavibarnwalcoach

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September 25, 2020 By Pallavi Barnwal 2 Comments

Facing A Low Sex-Drive? This Could Be Why!

Late-night google searches about what could be behind a low-libido or a sudden dip in sexual appetite brings up the usual suspects: medication, stress, depression, hormonal fluctuations, poor diet and exercise and lack of sleep. Now these lifestyle factors can definitely have a huge impact on your sex life, but the truth is, a loss in sex drive runs much deeper than this.

10 Surprising Factors That May Be Killing Your Sex Drive

1. Your Bedroom
The bedroom is going to be the place where you have sex the most. Take a look around your bedroom. Is it warm and welcoming? Or is it cluttered, messy, dull and distracting? If your bedroom isn’t a place where you would generally want to spend time, then why would you want to have sex there? Try and create a relaxing and soothing atmosphere in your bedroom. Simply keeping it tidy, and having some warm night lamps, with clean sheets can go a long way! Let your bedroom be a space that inspires sensuality and intimacy.

2. Your Cell-phone
Cell-phones can be a huge turn-off. How often have you wanted to spend time with your partner, only to find them buried in their cell-phone? Technology addictions can rewire our brain, make us irritable, distracted and hasty. It can also build resentment between partners, and make you lose out on moments that could be spent together. Maybe spend a scheduled ‘no-phone’ time with each other, or ensure that phones are off-limits during dates or quality time together. The intimacy that can come with real-life moments is bound to help in your sex life.

3. Your timing
If you’re in a long-term relationship, chances are you initiate sex at the very end of the day, right before bed. This may come as a surprise: but this is actually the worst time to have sex, because you’re both already exhausted after a long day. You may also be discouraged by the fact that having sex will then take away the time you have left for sleep. If this sounds like you, morning sex may be a great idea, or having more sex on the weekends when there is less stress to sleep on time for a work-day.

4. Sexual pain
Did you know that 1 in 3 women experience sexual pain? This could be because of stress, muscle tightness, sexual trauma, sexual shame, menstrual disorders or a lack of arousal. If you experience pain, it’s no wonder that your body wouldn’t want sex: to protect you from experiencing pain, the body adjusts by no longer craving sex. If you think this could be you, consider seeing a professional. Most sexual pain is successfully treated through a combination of medication, talk therapy and physiotherapy.

5. Self-Esteem
Your sex-drive is closely connected to how you feel about yourself and your body. If you have poor body image, or feel unworthy of love, it may manifest in an aversion to sex, touch and pleasure. A low-sex drive may be a signal from your body that you need to indulge in some radical self-care: whether it is working on your self-esteem, exercising, meditating, going for therapy, finding new hobbies or journaling; find what works for you, and let it nourish your self-esteem and sex life!

6. The initiation
An active, healthy, and happy sex life depends on communication around our sexual wants, desires, and dislikes. And the first part of communication lies in how you initiate sex.

Akshatha, who has been married for a few years spoke to us about how miscommunication during initiation affected her sex life: ‘I have a high libido, but I didn’t know how to initiate sex during the beginning of our marriage, because I thought initiation always has to come from a man. I lost many months of pleasure thinking this way. He was also a night-owl who came home late, which widened our miscommunication.’

In Akshatha’s case, it was seeing a counselor and communicating better with her partner that improved the situation. It required a lot of talking, and it is still a conversation that they revisit from time to time. Are you and your partner able to successfully initiate sex with each other? Do you know each other’s cues and signals when the other is trying to initiate sex?

Do you give each other space to decide if and how both of you want to have sex after the first hints of initiation? And do you know how to gently turn each other down, and be respectful when the other person doesn’t want sex? Ask yourself these questions, and if there are any weak links, work on them by talking to your partner!

7. Your relationship
Your sex life doesn’t exist in isolation from other things you share with your partner. If there’s been a lot of fighting, exhaustion, resentment, and/ or a general feeling of being misunderstood or neglected by your partner, it’s no surprise that you wouldn’t want to have sex.

After all, we want to have sex with people who make us feel good, safe, loved, and desired. And if these feelings are breaking down in your relationship, you can’t expect your sex life to thrive. While no relationship is perfect, this may be a moment to take a step back and work on the basic trust, respect, communication, and comfort that nourishes every relationship. Couples therapy and a commitment to making things work again may help some couples get back on the right track. For other couples, this could be a sign that they need to reconsider the relationship or give it a pause. If you think your relationship is abusive, ignore all the above advice, and get help immediately.

8. Perfectionism
Many of us tend to bring perfectionism into our sex lives. We may think that a perfect, long-lasting erection is necessary, with a perfectly timed orgasm from both partners. We may watch porn and end up believing that both partners can pleasure each other perfectly without prior and ongoing communication. We may also believe that our bodies are supposed to look sleek, smooth, and perfect in every position, that we can’t make noises or faces that aren’t considered perfectly ‘sexy’ and that we’re supposed to get everything right on the first try.

Sexual perfectionism can create massive anxiety with regard to performance. And when this happens, the idea of sex itself may seem unappealing. If the stakes feel so high, why would you want to risk the humiliation of making a ‘mistake?’

This may be a good time to introspect on your insecurities and find a way to reconnect with your body in a way that focuses on pleasure, not performance. It may also suggest that you need to be open and honest with your partner about this problem. The more comfortable and intimate you feel with them, it will become easier for sex to feel like a natural progression of this connection, and not something that you have to ‘achieve’ in.

Remember, sex is human, clumsy, vulnerable, and messy. It isn’t meant to be perfect. Sex is meant to feel good: and this is much more important than how you look, sound or your ‘performance!’

9. Fear
We are told that sex is supposed to feel natural and organic, so when we find that we have to put in effort to make sex work, we may fear that something is wrong. And the more you worry about this, the harder it becomes to have and enjoy sex. If this is happening to you, first just pause and take a breath.

One of the biggest myths that sex is just ‘supposed to happen.’ In reality, the best sex requires more than just attraction: it requires honesty, trust and communication. And with our daily work lives, it may also require planning around timing and schedule. If you find that you have to put in thought and effort to make sex work with your partner, nothing is wrong with you! It’s absolutely normal. Don’t be afraid of the effort, planning or conversations that you need to have good sex with your partner.

Sex, intimacy and physical contact are deep, essential human desires for most of us. And an unhappy sex life can create intense feelings of loneliness and yearning.

As Samar, a professional in his 40s says: ‘I am extroverted, passionate and romantic by nature. I wanted so badly to feel this romance, and of course, passionate sex, after marriage. I had an arranged marriage, and soon it was clear to me that my wife was the opposite. She was determined to be a ‘wife’ and not a ‘lover.’ You may not believe it, but in my seventeen years of married life, I have never been hugged, kissed or cuddled. Sex has just been for duty, and never for love-making. It’s a painful truth that I crave for a loving hug.’

This is also why sexual compatibility is important in a relationship. How do you and your partner relate to sex? Are you comfortable discussing your fetishes, fantasies, desires and kinks? Is it similar for both of you? Do your sex drives match? And if not, how will you manage it?

These are questions worth asking before entering any long-term relationship. But even for the most sexually compatible couples, a sudden dip in libido may occur, or sometimes the sexual excitement just fizzles out. If this happens, don’t panic. It’s normal for your sex-drive to fluctuate over time. Don’t be afraid to seek help and support, and make sure that you aren’t making any of the libido-killing mistakes mentioned in this article! Be kind to yourself, and remember: sex is supposed to feel good, so don’t overthink it!

We hope this article helps you! For more on sexual wellness, tune in to LIVE sessions by our sexual wellness expert Pallavi Barnwal on GOQii Play. You can also connect with her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pallavibarnwalcoach

January 16, 2023 By GOQii 1 Comment

12 Steps To Choose the Right Gym For You

With 2 weeks in to the new year, it is a good time to gauge how many of us are actually sticking to our New Year’s Resolution of being fit and are regularly visiting the gym. Most people who invest in a gym membership at the start of the year as a part of their resolution are often irregular towards the end of January due to lack of motivation or due to certain issues they may have with the gym and the environment there.

So how do you stay motivated? How do you ensure that you won’t quit the gym by August this year? To ensure that you stick to your gym and achieve your goals, we’ve got some pointers that will help you choose the right gym. But before that, you need to ask yourself one question – Do you really need a gym? Given your work schedule, your habits and your goals, does signing up for a gym membership make sense? If you can achieve your goals working out at home, while maintaining your work-life balance, do you really need a gym? If the answer is yes, then read on!

12 Steps To Choose the Right Gym For You

List Your Must-Haves: Before hunting for a gym that suits your taste, you must know what you’re looking for. You need to make a list of your goals, the kind of equipment you need, the services to best aid you in achieving your health goals, the atmosphere and type of gym you are looking for. Having this list handy makes it easier for you to choose a gym you are most likely to be regular at.
Location: This is of prime importance. Before or after a hectic day at work, would you really brave the erratic traffic in your city to reach a gym that is miles away from your home? Your best bet is to choose a decent gym that’s close by and easily accessible, especially if you’re the kind of person who likes to workout after your shift.
Cost: Let’s face it! Irrespective of which gym you like, Cost is the ultimate factor that will decide where you workout. When it comes to cost, you need to ask yourself if the gym membership is worth it. Are you getting additional services with your gym membership? Are you getting services you don’t want? Does your gym membership cover privileges like massages, sauna, a pool, a daycare for your child while you workout or a snack bar? Will you be charged separately for these services or are they included in your deal? Whatever the cost, ensure that you get your money’s worth.
Hours of Operation: There is nothing better than a gym that is flexible with its timings. If you find a gym that is open 24 hours, there’s nothing like it. You might also want to inquire if they are open during public holidays and about the days when the gym will be closed. It’s best to pick a gym that is open most days of the year.
Visit During Peak Hours: No one likes a crowded gym. So before you choose one, take a tour of the gym but not on a weekend or when the gym is relatively empty. Take a tour during the hours you’re more likely to go once you join. This will give you a good insight into the kind of crowd that’s at the gym and how crowded it is during your preferred time. If the line to use an equipment is 5 people long, make a beeline for the exit and head over to your next option.
Personal Trainer: This is another major deciding factor. A Personal Trainer can be a good guide in helping you achieve your fitness goals the right way. A few things you need to look into before you sign up is if your gym membership covers a personal trainer or if you’ll have to pay for one. The qualification of the personal trainers at your gym is also of prime importance. If you must go for a personal trainer, go for someone with an advanced certification/degree and someone who is in line with your goal.
Cleanliness and Hygiene: It’s no secret that gyms are essentially breeding grounds for sweat, bacteria and germs. While somethings can’t be helped, you need to ensure that the gym you sign up for is regularly maintained with hygiene checks, have clean equipment, washrooms and changing rooms. An unclean environment is very off-putting and may prevent you from visiting the gym as frequently as you would have otherwise.
Check Equipment: The first thing you should do when you’re taking a tour of a gym is to check the equipment. This check is essential to know if the gym has all the equipment you need and if they are in good shape. You won’t get anywhere with shoddy equipment. Also check for the make. A manufacturer that may produce excellent treadmills may not be ideal for rowing machines. Always go for a fine mix that exudes quality! The best gyms often have equipment from different manufacturers.
Culture: Observing gym culture is a pivotal step in deciding whether or not the gym is for you! Do you prefer working out in the presence of the opposite sex? Does the intimidating presence of muscle-heads and heavy lifters bother you? Are you okay with loud, upbeat trance or do you prefer rock? All these questions need to be answered because if you are not comfortable or don’t like the atmosphere in the gym, you are less motivated to visit it regularly. Remember that comfort is of the utmost importance as it will ensure you renew your membership at the end of the year (if you make it :D).
Does the Gym Meet Your Target?: It’s all about the goals! Does the gym have the right equipment, the right trainers, the right facilities and specialization to meet the goals you’ve set for yourself? If you want to lose weight, it makes more sense to choose a gym that specializes in weight loss. If you want to bulk up, go for a gym that specializes in bodybuilding. Don’t join a gym that doesn’t cater to your needs.
Look For Reviews: Sometimes, an advertisement or a single tour cannot give you all the information you need. Take to social media, read reviews and form your opinion. The gym’s social media profile will give you an idea about the gym culture, while multiple reviews can give you a good idea about how the gym ranks in terms of quality and whether or not it meets your standards.
Take a Trial: When all else fails, a little personal touch, like a week-long trial can help you know for sure if this gym is the one! A trial will help you gauge the equipment, the culture and all the other essentials that will become a part of your final decision. It will also help you understand if you’re getting your money’s worth.

In conclusion, choosing a gym is like picking a partner, you need to think it through to ensure that you don’t quit half way and are motivated to such an extent that you continue your membership and workout for a fit and healthy life! If a gym does not work for you, consider working out online, in a live and interactive session with our fitness experts on GOQii Pro. Book a class via the GOQii App now! To read more about fitness and workouts, check out Healthy Reads.

Did we miss out on any key points that you think are essential? Let us know in the comments below!

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12 Steps To Choose the Right Gym For You

12 Steps To Choose the Right Gym For You

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