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February 14, 2025 By Pallavi Barnwal 1 Comment

4 Effective Tips For Managing Couple Conflicts

4 effective tips to solving couple conflictsHow many times have we fought in our intimate relationships with our partner? Definitely more than a few times. Couple conflicts, in themselves, are not unhealthy. They give us an opportunity to look at the areas of the relationship that need the most attention. For instance, a conflict about one partner not helping with housework highlights feelings of being left out and alone in life’s mundane struggles. While there are countless reasons couples fight or disagree, these conflicts act like a muslin cloth, filtering out the impurities that affect the relationship.

All relationships, including successful ones, experience conflicts. It’s unavoidable. Fortunately, it’s not the presence of conflict but how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve” because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects that provide opportunities for growth and understanding. Additionally, some problems can’t be solved due to natural personality differences between partners.

Couple Conflicts and How To Manage Them 

1. Criticism
We criticize our partner when they fail to live up to our expectations. But criticism is different than a complaint. The latter is about specific issues, whereas the former is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize. For instance:

Complaint: “You reached almost an hour late for our lunch.”

Criticism: “Punctuality is an issue with you. You are never on time. You never think of me, you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish.

The problem with criticism is that, it makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. It often causes the perpetrator and victim to fall into a vicious pattern where criticism reappears with greater frequency and intensity, which eventually leads to contempt.

Antidote to Criticism – Gentle Start-Up: A complaint focuses on a specific incident, but criticism attacks a person’s very character. The antidote for criticism is to focus on the complaint without blame. Avoid saying “you”, which can indicate blame, and instead talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express what you need in a positive way.

Rephrasing the above complaint in this manner, you can say, “I was really eager to meet you today at lunch. Off late, we haven’t been able to spend a lot of time together and I felt disappointed when I did not see you on time”.

2. Contempt
Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them. When we contempt someone, we are truly mean — we treat them with disrespect, call them names, and mock them with sarcasm. The target of contempt is made to feel worthless.

I will quote a real example of contempt from my relationship when the man said on the issue of his lack of libido that I am a sexual pervert (tharak). While I reacted to this insinuation, also putting blame on his character, both of us had our own learnings from the episode. I resorted to criticism and he resorted to contempt.

Antidote to Contempt: is to build a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship. Remember the tip – Small Things Often: If you regularly express appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner, you’ll create a positive home in your relationship that acts as a buffer for negative feelings. The more positive you feel, the less likely that you’ll feel or express contempt!

3. Defensiveness
We become defensive when we feel accused, we fish for accuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off. Unfortunately, these excuses never work. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes.

Question: Did you not see that I was attending this important official call and you put the pressure cooker on, it was making whistles and disturbing me

Defensive response: It’s okay, even other people would enjoy the sound of whistles.

Antidote to Defensiveness: Take Responsibility: Defensiveness is self-protection in the form of innocent victimhood to keep off a perceived attack. Most people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that being defensive never solves the problem at hand. Defensiveness is an indirect way of blaming your partner. You mean that the problem isn’t me, it’s you. Thus, the problem is not resolved and the conflict escalates further. The antidote is to accept responsibility, specific to the conflict.

4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when the person withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make avoiding maneuvers such as turning away, acting busy, stop talking or showing distracting behaviors like scrolling on the phone while you talk to them or spending too much time sleeping. Stonewalling is like a flight or fight response and puts couples under a lot of emotional pressure.

Antidote to Stonewalling – Practice Physiological Self-Soothing: If you feel like withdrawing or shutting off in a conflict, take a break. Allow your body to physiologically calm down by doing an activity of interest such as walk in the park, cooking your favorite dish, getting ready, doing anything you like. Inform your partner that you need some time for yourself and then return to the discussion in a rational and respectful way.

We hope this article on managing couple conflicts helps you form a stronger connection with your partner! Do leave your thoughts in the comments below. For more articles by our Sexual Wellness Expert Pallavi Barnwal, check out Healthy Reads.

#BeTheForce 

January 30, 2025 By Pallavi Barnwal Leave a Comment

Is Your Relationship Abusive?

abusive relationshipShweta Mishra, aged 21, met her ex-boyfriend at a friend’s party. They soon became close and started seeing each other. The guy had recently gotten out of one relationship and used to get very abusive at times. He would get drunk and talk about his ex-girlfriend which badly affected her self-esteem, to the point where she started considering herself ugly. He would also call her names and say that she was with him only because she wanted money. She started doubting her own attractiveness and self-worth slowly. His abusive behaviour did not end there. He would get jealous if she talked to any other guy and even forbid her to talk to the attractive ones.

He would try to touch her inappropriately when he was drunk which she detested. One day, it got much worse than the other days. He was badly drunk and started touching her inappropriately. She had started hating the smell of alcohol to the point that it made her nauseous. She said a repeated no but he went on groping her. That night she had the worst breakdown ever. The worst part was that he blamed her for being frigid and difficult the next day and told her that now she would make him the bad guy.

Shweta started having a series of breakdowns where she would hate herself. She started scratching herself as she felt ‘dirty’ and ‘ugly’. She would feel his face on her body and want to cut herself. Finally, she decided to walk out of the relationship to preserve herself. But even after months, she still has trust-issues in relationships. She had several episodes of breakdowns even after that when she hurt herself to ease the pain.

Does the above scenario sound familiar? Have you been mistaking an abusive relationship for ‘love’? If so, read on.

Love in young age is full of hormones, tumultuous changes, confusion and chaos. Adolescents and young adults often find themselves lost when it comes to finding out information on safe sex practices or healthy relationships. Popular media promotes eve-teasing, stalking, possessiveness and ownership behaviour as ‘love’. With increasing peer pressure to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, a young mind which is already grappling with questions of self-worth is seduced with the idea of having someone as a partner. Most victims choose to continue being in abusive relationships just to avoid the shame of ‘breaking-up’. The communication gap between parents and children while growing up makes the situation even more difficult.

So how do you recognise these signs of abuse?

Emotional abuse or psychological abuse is categorized by a pattern of behaviour that leaves another person feeling isolated, degraded or worthless. It is a way for the abuser to maintain power and control in the relationship. Psychological pain can be just as bruising as a slap or punch, even if it leaves no physical mark. Let us talk about these in detail.

  • Intimidation: can be subtle and includes veiled or indirect threats. The partner could be watching each movement, checking on your whereabouts, checking your phone or springing up on you unexpectedly. This can have a damaging effect on a person’s overall sense of safety and lead to anxiety.
  • Explicit Threats: Sometimes, intimidation is not so subtle. We all know the infamous acid attacks on the victims who had the courage to say no to their spurned lovers. There are far too many instances of the partner threatening the girl with self-harm or suicide in case she leaves him.
  • Slut Shaming: This is another form of abuse which could leave the abused trapped, unwanted and ashamed. ‘If you don’t go out with me, I will tell everyone what we did in bed.’ Worse, the abuser could get explicit photos or videos of the abused and blackmail the partner into doing things they might not be ready for.
  • Name Calling: Abuser might call the partner ugly, fat, dark, stupid or similar such which eventually leads them to believe that it is true. The sense of self in teenage years is still fragile and such behaviour might lead to withdrawal and depression.
  • The Silent Treatment: Sometimes the abuser might use non-communication as a form of punishment to coerce the other partner. They might completely ignore the partner till they give in to their wishes. There are abusers who refuse to acknowledge the presence of their partners in public and are responsive when alone.
  • Constant Criticism: ‘You can’t wear that!’ or ‘You cannot hang out with those friends’ or ‘You cannot go there’ is something which abusers use to erode the self-esteem of the other person. This may make one feel unacceptable and feel bad about themselves.
  • Sexual Abuse: Any sexual contact or activity with an intimate partner that makes a person feel uncomfortable, with the purpose of controlling through fear, threats, coercion, manipulation or violence. This may be with or without the presence of physical violence at the time of the act or within the relationship. These happen mostly as there is lack of parental consent and the victims do not want to talk about it due to fear, guilt and shame. The victims could be both men and women, young adults who are in same-sex relationship, all ages – tween and upwards. Most such victims who were forced to have sex are less likely to use condoms. The perpetrator is frequently an intimate partner. Date rapes, forced oral sex, unwanted touching – all constitute part of sexual abuse.

If you have faced any of the above, it might be time to walk out of the relationship. This is not always easy but try talking to someone you trust – a friend, sibling or trustworthy adult. And always remember – IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

We hope this article helps you! Do leave your thoughts in the comments below. For more articles by our Sexual Wellness Expert Pallavi Barnwal, check out Healthy Reads.

#BeTheForce 

Disclaimer: Reader discretion is advised. This content is for an older, mature audience who seek to improve their health and wellness. GOQii is not responsible for any misrepresentation of this information.

December 13, 2024 By Pallavi Barnwal 2 Comments

Facing A Low Sex-Drive? This Could Be Why!

low sex driveLate-night google searches about what could be behind a low-libido or a sudden dip in sexual appetite brings up the usual suspects: medication, stress, depression, hormonal fluctuations, poor diet and exercise and lack of sleep. Now these lifestyle factors can definitely have a huge impact on your sex life, but the truth is, a loss in sex drive runs much deeper than this.

10 Surprising Factors That May Be Killing Your Sex Drive

1. Your Bedroom
The bedroom is going to be the place where you have sex the most. Take a look around your bedroom. Is it warm and welcoming? Or is it cluttered, messy, dull and distracting? If your bedroom isn’t a place where you would generally want to spend time, then why would you want  to have sex there? Try and create a relaxing and soothing atmosphere in your bedroom. Simply keeping it tidy, and having some warm night lamps, with clean sheets can go a long way! Let your bedroom be a space that inspires sensuality and intimacy.

2. Your Cell-phone
Cell-phones can be a huge turn-off. How often have you wanted to spend time with your partner, only to find them buried in their cell-phone? Technology addictions can rewire our brain, make us irritable, distracted and hasty. It can also build resentment between partners, and make you lose out on moments that could be spent together. Maybe spend a scheduled ‘no-phone’ time with each other, or ensure that phones are off-limits during dates or quality time together. The intimacy that can come with real-life moments is bound to help in your sex life.

3. Your timing
If you’re in a long-term relationship, chances are you initiate sex at the very end of the day, right before bed. This may come as a surprise: but this is actually the worst time to have sex, because you’re both already exhausted after a long day. You may also be discouraged by the fact that having sex will then take away the time you have left for sleep. If this sounds like you, morning sex may be a great idea, or having more sex on the weekends when there is less stress to sleep on time for a work-day.

4. Sexual pain
Did you know that 1 in 3 women experience sexual pain? This could be because of stress, muscle tightness, sexual trauma, sexual shame, menstrual disorders or a lack of arousal. If you experience pain, it’s no wonder that your body wouldn’t want sex: to protect you from experiencing pain, the body adjusts by no longer craving sex. If you think this could be you, consider seeing a professional. Most sexual pain is successfully treated through a combination of medication, talk therapy and physiotherapy.

5. Self-Esteem
Your sex-drive is closely connected to how you feel about yourself and your body. If you have poor body image, or feel unworthy of love, it may manifest in an aversion to sex, touch and pleasure. A low-sex drive may be a signal from your body that you need to indulge in some radical self-care: whether it is working on your self-esteem, exercising, meditating, going for therapy, finding new hobbies or journaling; find what works for you, and let it nourish your self-esteem and sex life!

6. The initiation
An active, healthy, and happy sex life depends on communication around our sexual wants, desires, and dislikes. And the first part of communication lies in how you initiate sex.

Akshatha, who has been married for a few years spoke to us about how miscommunication during initiation affected her sex life: ‘I have a high libido, but I didn’t know how to initiate sex during the beginning of our marriage, because I thought initiation always has to come from a man. I lost many months of pleasure thinking this way. He was also a night-owl who came home late, which widened our miscommunication.’

In Akshatha’s case, it was seeing a counselor and communicating better with her partner that improved the situation. It required a lot of talking, and it is still a conversation that they revisit from time to time. Are you and your partner able to successfully initiate sex with each other? Do you know each other’s cues and signals when the other is trying to initiate sex?

Do you give each other space to decide if and how both of you want to have sex after the first hints of initiation? And do you know how to gently turn each other down, and be respectful when the other person doesn’t want sex? Ask yourself these questions, and if there are any weak links, work on them by talking to your partner!

7. Your relationship
Your sex life doesn’t exist in isolation from other things you share with your partner. If there’s been a lot of fighting, exhaustion, resentment, and/or a general feeling of being misunderstood or neglected by your partner, it’s no surprise that you wouldn’t want to have sex.

After all, we want to have sex with people who make us feel good, safe, loved, and desired. And if these feelings are breaking down in your relationship, you can’t expect your sex life to thrive. While no relationship is perfect, this may be a moment to take a step back and work on the basic trust, respect, communication, and comfort that nourishes every relationship. Couples therapy and a commitment to making things work again may help some couples get back on the right track. For other couples, this could be a sign that they need to reconsider the relationship or give it a pause. If you think your relationship is abusive, ignore all the above advice, and get help immediately.

8. Perfectionism
Many of us tend to bring perfectionism into our sex lives. We may think that a perfect, long-lasting erection is necessary, with a perfectly timed orgasm from both partners. We may watch porn and end up believing that both partners can pleasure each other perfectly without prior and ongoing communication. We may also believe that our bodies are supposed to look sleek, smooth, and perfect in every position, that we can’t make noises or faces that aren’t considered perfectly ‘sexy’ and that we’re supposed to get everything right on the first try.

Sexual perfectionism can create massive anxiety with regard to performance. And when this happens, the idea of sex itself may seem unappealing. If the stakes feel so high, why would you want to risk the humiliation of making a ‘mistake?’

This may be a good time to introspect on your insecurities and find a way to reconnect with your body in a way that focuses on pleasure, not performance. It may also suggest that you need to be open and honest with your partner about this problem. The more comfortable and intimate you feel with them, it will become easier for sex to feel like a natural progression of this connection, and not something that you have to ‘achieve’ in.

Remember, sex is human, clumsy, vulnerable, and messy. It isn’t meant to be perfect. Sex is meant to feel good: and this is much more important than how you look, sound or your ‘performance!’

9. Fear
We are told that sex is supposed to feel natural and organic, so when we find that we have to put in effort to make sex work, we may fear that something is wrong. And the more you worry about this, the harder it becomes to have and enjoy sex. If this is happening to you, first just pause and take a breath.

One of the biggest myths that sex is just ‘supposed to happen.’ In reality, the best sex requires more than just attraction: it requires honesty, trust and communication. And with our daily work lives, it may also require planning around timing and schedule. If you find that you have to put in thought and effort to make sex work with your partner, nothing is wrong with you! It’s absolutely normal. Don’t be afraid of the effort, planning or conversations that you need to have good sex with your partner.

Sex, intimacy and physical contact are deep, essential human desires for most of us. And an unhappy sex life can create intense feelings of loneliness and yearning.

As Samar, a professional in his 40s says: ‘I am extroverted, passionate and romantic by nature. I wanted so badly to feel this romance, and of course, passionate sex, after marriage. I had an arranged marriage, and soon it was clear to me that my wife was the opposite. She was determined to be a ‘wife’ and not a ‘lover.’ You may not believe it, but in my seventeen years of married life, I have never been hugged, kissed or cuddled. Sex has just been for duty, and never for love-making. It’s a painful truth that I crave for a loving hug.’

This is also why sexual compatibility is important in a relationship. How do you and your partner relate to sex? Are you comfortable discussing your fetishes, fantasies, desires and kinks? Is it similar for both of you? Do your sex drives match? And if not, how will you manage it?

These are questions worth asking before entering any long-term relationship. But even for the most sexually compatible couples, a sudden dip in libido may occur, or sometimes the sexual excitement just fizzles out. If this happens, don’t panic. It’s normal for your sex-drive to fluctuate over time. Don’t be afraid to seek help and support, and make sure that you aren’t making any of the libido-killing mistakes mentioned in this article! Be kind to yourself, and remember: sex is supposed to feel good, so don’t overthink it!

We hope this article helps you! For more on sexual wellness, tune in to LIVE sessions by our sexual wellness expert Pallavi Barnwal on GOQii Play.

#BeTheForce

November 18, 2024 By Pallavi Barnwal Leave a Comment

How Often Should You Have Sex?

sexMen often ask me, how much sex should we be having? Can there be a number answer to it? Like thrice a week, once a week, and so on. Sex works for different people in different ways. It’s the classic chicken and egg dilemma. What comes first – happiness or frequent sex? For some people, frequent sex is what makes them happier in the relationship, whereas for others, happiness and the connection is a precondition to feeling desirous of having sex.

It’s Not An Easy Situation.

I know how painful it can be to steer through, how often to have sex. Getting turned down for it, or having to turn your partner down, is hard for couples even in a stable relationship. When the relationship is fragile due to fighting or communication problems, it can be even more problematic.

Throwing out an overly simplistic rule like “have sex thrice a week” doesn’t help matters much. There are three main reasons why I don’t support this thrice-a-week standard:

I’ve seen the stifling effects that these kind of rules and instructions can have on couples. We get bombarded by so many advices about what we’re “supposed” to do when it comes to sex (“be sexy but not too much for her”, “wait for him to initiate”, “try this position, this toy, this technique”, etc). Throwing another arbitrary rule on the table only makes the couple feel more anxiety. It means indirectly that they’re not “normal” or not measuring up and this can cripple the overall morale of the couple.

This general advice overlooks the individual reasons the couple is struggling with their sex life in the first place. The couple may have a power struggle or relationship issues that is manifesting in their bedroom. One partner might be going through biological changes that are affecting their arousal levels. The sex that they’re having may be so unpleasant/monotonous that one partner starts withdrawing. Someone might be carrying scars of past sexual abuse. The possibilities are endless, and each couple needs individualized attention rather than canned one-size-fits-all advice.

I firmly believe that the process of negotiating a sexual relationship that feels authentic, flexible, and connected is one of the most enriching experiences a couple can go through. The opportunities for personal and relational growth are immense.

So there’s no set-in-stone rule for how often couples should have sex. What’s much more important than forcing yourself to sleep together an arbitrary number of times is to find ways to talk about and work on your sex life together.

We hope this article helps you! For more on sexual wellness, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to LIVE sessions by our sexual wellness expert Pallavi Barnwal on GOQii Play.

#BeTheForce 

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