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March 5, 2021 By Pallavi Barnwal Leave a Comment

4 Effective Tips For Managing Couple Conflicts

How many times have we fought in our intimate relationships with our partner? Definitely more than a few times. Couple conflicts in itself are not unhealthy, it gives us an opportunity to look at the areas of the relationship that need the most attention. A couple conflict about one partner not helping in housework highlights the feeling of being left out and alone in life’s mundane struggles. Yes, there are umpteen reasons that couples fight or are in disagreement but these conflicts act like a muslin cloth through which pass the impurities that affect the relationship.

All relationships, including the successful ones, have couple conflicts. It is unavoidable. Fortunately, it’s not the presence of conflict, but rather how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve”, because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects that provide opportunities for growth and understanding. Also, there are problems that you can’t solve due to natural personality differences between you and your partner.

Couple Conflicts and How To Manage Them

1. Criticism
We criticize our partner when they fail to live up to our expectations. But criticism is different than a complaint. The latter is about specific issues, whereas the former is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize. For instance:

Complaint: “You reached almost an hour late for our lunch.”

Criticism: “Punctuality is an issue with you. You are never on time. You never think of me, you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish.

The problem with criticism is that, it makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. It often causes the perpetrator and victim to fall into a vicious pattern where criticism reappears with greater frequency and intensity, which eventually leads to contempt.

Antidote to Criticism – Gentle Start-Up: A complaint focuses on a specific incident, but criticism attacks a person’s very character. The antidote for criticism is to focus on the complaint without blame. Avoid saying “you”, which can indicate blame, and instead talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express what you need in a positive way.

Rephrasing the above complaint in this manner, you can say, “I was really eager to meet you today at lunch. Off late, we haven’t been able to spend a lot of time together and I felt disappointed when I did not see you on time”.

2. Contempt
Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them. When we contempt someone, we are truly mean — we treat them with disrespect, call them names, and mock them with sarcasm. The target of contempt is made to feel worthless.

I will quote a real example of contempt from my relationship when the man said on the issue of his lack of libido that I am a sexual pervert (tharak). While I reacted to this insinuation, also putting blame on his character, both of us had our own learnings from the episode. I resorted to criticism and he resorted to contempt.

Antidote to Contempt: is to build a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship. Remember the tip – Small Things Often: If you regularly express appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner, you’ll create a positive home in your relationship that acts as a buffer for negative feelings. The more positive you feel, the less likely that you’ll feel or express contempt!

3. Defensiveness
We become defensive when we feel accused, we fish for accuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off. Unfortunately, these excuses never work. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes.

Question: Did you not see that I was attending this important official call and you put the pressure cooker on, it was making whistles and disturbing me

Defensive response: It’s okay, even other people would enjoy the sound of whistles.

Antidote to Defensiveness: Take Responsibility: Defensiveness is self-protection in the form of innocent victimhood to keep off a perceived attack. Most people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that being defensive never solves the problem at hand. Defensiveness is an indirect way of blaming your partner. You mean that the problem isn’t me, it’s you. Thus, the problem is not resolved and the conflict escalates further. The antidote is to accept responsibility, specific to the conflict.

4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when the person withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make avoiding maneuvers such as turning away, acting busy, stop talking or showing distracting behaviors like scrolling on the phone while you talk to them or spending too much time sleeping. Stonewalling is like a flight or fight response and puts couples under a lot of emotional pressure.

Antidote to Stonewalling – Practice Physiological Self-Soothing: If you feel like withdrawing or shutting off in a conflict, take a break. Allow your body to physiologically calm down by doing an activity of interest such as walk in the park, cooking your favorite dish, getting ready, doing anything you like. Inform your partner that you need some time for yourself and then return to the discussion in a rational and respectful way.

We hope this article on managing couple conflicts helps you form a stronger connection with your partner! Do leave your thoughts in the comments below. For more articles by our Sexual Wellness Expert Pallavi Barnwal, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to her LIVE sessions on GOQii Play. You can also connect with her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pallavibarnwalcoach

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February 19, 2021 By Pallavi Barnwal Leave a Comment

Principles for Handling Couple Misunderstandings

Misunderstandings are a common occurrence in most couple relationships, my life being no different. When I look back and when I look around, I see a lot of times fights erupt because of different or mismatching perspectives of looking at the same issue. Yes, these are some of the commonly heard grievances that couples voice out against each other.

“I wish you had understood me better!”

“You made a decision and did not even think once about me?”

“You always have your own ways in our relationship, never thinking once about me.”

A lot of times, these small misunderstandings get blown out of proportion when the accused person refuses to take up supposed responsibility. I am saying “supposed” because it is not yet confirmed that one person is indeed right. Relationships, after all, are a “subjective” affair with no clear right or wrong. It is on the basis of our belief systems, core values, past experiences, upbringing background that we decide the right or wrong in a given situation. The thing to be noted is in a relationship, we are dealing with two different people who can have two different schools of thought.

Best Practices To Solve Couple Misunderstandings

How do you arrive at a consensus or a mutual ground when a misunderstanding emerges between you and your partner? I am sharing the following best practices/principles to solve the misunderstandings that happen unexpectedly in a relationship.

Principle 1: Misunderstandings are Natural and Unavoidable

Principle 2: Cultural Differences are a Breeding Ground for Misunderstandings

Principle 3: Connect-the-Dot Understanding Usually Replaces Real Understanding

Principle 4: Move from Being Right to Being Curious

Principle 5: Ask questions — Lots of Them!

Principle 6: Recognize that We All Speak a Different Language

Principle 7: Be Responsible for making Sure You Understand and are Understood

Principle 8: Don’t Assume Others Will Connect the Dots Accurately

Principle 9: Leave the Assumption Warehouse. Speak Your Experience — Not Your Conclusions.

Principle 10: Tone and Body Language Matter

Principle 11: Don’t Confuse Feelings and Judgements

Principle 12: Stay in Your Green Zone — If You Assume, Assume Benevolence

There’s no way around it, being misunderstood sucks. It can make you feel frustrated, upset, and hopeless. It can feel even worse in times of conflict. I faced this once when the man of the house had 2 men coming unplanned with liquor and after a drinking round, one of them lost their senses. I reacted in that situation and it pained me intensely to see that man found no reason in my distress! Yes, I was partly misunderstood and was not taken seriously. I suffered greatly from that lack of attunement.

This is because one of our deepest needs is for others to understand or tune into us. This desire to be “seen” begins right from our childhood. Take kids, for example: when they play hide-and-seek, they love to be found. Yes, misunderstandings are unavoidable but approaching this situation with the right tools and understanding, you have a great leeway to turn this conflict into a catalyst for connection.

We hope this article helps you form a stronger connection with your partner! Do leave your thoughts in the comments below. For more articles by our Sexual Wellness Expert Pallavi Barnwal, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to her LIVE sessions on GOQii Play. You can also connect with her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pallavibarnwalcoach

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Disclaimer: Reader discretion is advised. This content is for an older, mature audience who seek to improve their health and wellness. GOQii is not responsible for any misrepresentation of this information.

February 5, 2021 By Pallavi Barnwal Leave a Comment

Mindful Sex Practices

The fast-paced life has left most of us exhausted, stressed, and disconnected, and most of us attempt sex under these unfriendly conditions. Immediately after sex, most couples rush for their smartphones and sex timing is cut short to quick foreplay and ejaculation. It is difficult for our monkey minds to stay present and shut off all outside distractions. Such sex is unlikely to generate any intimacy, connection, and stronger orgasms. I have been through this nightmarish journey most of my life until I experienced a glimpse of divine lovemaking with a man. The synchronicity of our orgasms, the chants I sang as he thrust inside me, and the power I gained in my being as I rode on him with full confidence; all came from a deep work from within on my self and the man, that involved a blend of meditation, bodywork, and liberating conversations. Yes, this will take time but bedazzled by this experience, I am motivated to share some simple mindful sex practices that can begin the transformation of your intimate life with your partner. Run through the list, practice, and let me know your experience!

Mindful Sex Practices

Embodied Movement: Most of us are so disconnected from our bodies; wearing tight clothes, spending most of our time sitting and unhealthy eating habits, all take us away from our bodies. It is important to drop in our own bodies and feel each cell, each pore of your being before you start to receive pleasure. This embodied movement brings you back to your home, your body. Start by standing tall, feet rooted, and taking a deep breath. Turn on music that matches your current mood and dance it out, feeling the motion move through your body. Then shift to music that matches how you want to feel and repeat.
Relationship Agreements: There is a lot of unresolved, unspoken angst and resentment between couples which they bring out at the most unrelated occasions. Sometimes a seed of thought stokes an entire mental film where the person goes into unfounded imagination, a chain of destructive thoughts. All of this negatively impacts harmony in your relationship and eventually, sex takes a backseat. In order to avoid this, strive to form small relationship agreements that are doable, and can be discussed without hurting the ego of the other person. Choose 1-2 things you want to work on and set up a rule. Some examples: whenever one of you will talk about your inner feelings, the other person will not judge and will be compassionate; when you wake up in the early morning, give each other a nice hug; no phones at the dinner table (or in the bedroom), consciously give each other personal space. Express Gratitude. Sit, stand, or lie facing each other and holding hands or embracing. Take turns saying “I’m grateful for…” Continue until you both feel everything has been said.
Eye Gazing: Keep eye contact with your partner during sex. You can be touching each other or in any sex position. Giggles and laughter are totally welcome. Try this daily for deeper connection and to shift out of your head and into the present moment.
Connection with Heart Chakra: First, breathe into the center of your chest – your heart. If you are struggling to stay present, imagine breath and light going into your heart. These are shallower breaths so be mindful of doing this. Then connect your breasts with their chest – give their heart some physical love by massaging, cupping, pulling, and generally loving on their breasts.
Sensate Focus: Use your monkey mind to notice all the sensual things happening. What are 5 things you see? Taste? Feel? Hear? Smell? Can you notice where exactly the hand of your partner is on your body as they are exploring you? What kind of sensation do you feel? This practice enhances our sensory experience and we are able to feel fully all the pleasure that is received by our body.
Tantra Breath: Take a deep inhale and exhale with sound ‘ha’. Sounds create internal vibrations in our body and take the energy up from lower chakras to higher chakras. Something you can practice with a partner and take into sex. The sound should be deep but not high-pitched. As you get closer to orgasm, deepen your breath and breathe into your genitals. Any sounds you’re making will take you deeper into the higher realms of lovemaking experience.
Chant As You Reach Orgasms: You can pick any mantra, (my favorite is om, omkar). Sex is this profound oneness, the union of masculine with the feminine, the arc of energy that travels from the masculine, emissive pole to the female, receiving pole. Through our chanting, we merge our personal consciousness momentarily with the infinite consciousness that is our origin and our destiny. It is the drop of water finding its way back into the ocean from which it came. Chanting raises your physical lovemaking experience to spiritual dimensions.

I have tried all of this and surely, this has transcended our physical pleasure to a spiritual, universal dimension. We feel as if the entire universe is in love with us and so do we. It is a divine experience, a symbol of indissoluble unity of pleasure and emptiness.

We hope this article on Mindful Sex Practices helps you! Do leave your thoughts in the comments below. For more articles by our Sexual Wellness Expert Pallavi Barnwal, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to her LIVE sessions on GOQii Play. You can also connect with her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pallavibarnwalcoach

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January 22, 2021 By Pallavi Barnwal Leave a Comment

Is Your Relationship Abusive?

Shweta Mishra, aged 21, met her ex-boyfriend at a friend’s party. They soon became close and started seeing each other. The guy had recently gotten out of one relationship and used to get very abusive at times. He would get drunk and talk about his ex-girlfriend which badly affected her self-esteem, to the point where she started considering herself ugly. He would also call her names and say that she was with him only because she wanted money. She started doubting her own attractiveness and self-worth slowly. His abusive behaviour did not end there. He would get jealous if she talked to any other guy and even forbid her to talk to the attractive ones.

He would try to touch her inappropriately when he was drunk which she detested. One day, it got much worse than the other days. He was badly drunk and started touching her inappropriately. She had started hating the smell of alcohol to the point that it made her nauseous. She said a repeated no but he went on groping her. That night she had the worst breakdown ever. The worst part was that he blamed her for being frigid and difficult the next day and told her that now she would make him the bad guy.

Shweta started having a series of breakdowns where she would hate herself. She started scratching herself as she felt ‘dirty’ and ‘ugly’. She would feel his face on her body and want to cut herself. Finally, she decided to walk out of the relationship to preserve herself. But even after months, she still has trust-issues in relationships. She had several episodes of breakdowns even after that when she hurt herself to ease the pain.

Does the above scenario sound familiar? Have you been mistaking an abusive relationship for ‘love’? If so, read on.

Love in young age is full of hormones, tumultuous changes, confusion and chaos. Adolescents and young adults often find themselves lost when it comes to finding out information on safe sex practices or healthy relationships. Popular media promotes eve-teasing, stalking, possessiveness and ownership behaviour as ‘love’. With increasing peer pressure to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, a young mind which is already grappling with questions of self-worth is seduced with the idea of having someone as a partner. Most victims choose to continue being in abusive relationships just to avoid the shame of ‘breaking-up’. The communication gap between parents and children while growing up makes the situation even more difficult.

So how do you recognise these signs of abuse?

Emotional abuse or psychological abuse is categorized by a pattern of behaviour that leaves another person feeling isolated, degraded or worthless. It is a way for the abuser to maintain power and control in the relationship. Psychological pain can be just as bruising as a slap or punch, even if it leaves no physical mark. Let us talk about these in detail.

Intimidation: can be subtle and includes veiled or indirect threats. The partner could be watching each movement, checking on your whereabouts, checking your phone or springing up on you unexpectedly. This can have a damaging effect on a person’s overall sense of safety and lead to anxiety.
Explicit Threats: Sometimes, intimidation is not so subtle. We all know the infamous acid attacks on the victims who had the courage to say no to their spurned lovers. There are far too many instances of the partner threatening the girl with self-harm or suicide in case she leaves him.
Slut Shaming: This is another form of abuse which could leave the abused trapped, unwanted and ashamed. ‘If you don’t go out with me, I will tell everyone what we did in bed.’ Worse, the abuser could get explicit photos or videos of the abused and blackmail the partner into doing things they might not be ready for.
Name Calling: Abuser might call the partner ugly, fat, dark, stupid or similar such which eventually leads them to believe that it is true. The sense of self in teenage years is still fragile and such behaviour might lead to withdrawal and depression.
The Silent Treatment: Sometimes the abuser might use non-communication as a form of punishment to coerce the other partner. They might completely ignore the partner till they give in to their wishes. There are abusers who refuse to acknowledge the presence of their partners in public and are responsive when alone.
Constant Criticism: ‘You can’t wear that!’ or ‘You cannot hang out with those friends’ or ‘You cannot go there’ is something which abusers use to erode the self-esteem of the other person. This may make one feel unacceptable and feel bad about themselves.
Sexual Abuse: Any sexual contact or activity with an intimate partner that makes a person feel uncomfortable, with the purpose of controlling through fear, threats, coercion, manipulation or violence. This may be with or without the presence of physical violence at the time of the act or within the relationship. These happen mostly as there is lack of parental consent and the victims do not want to talk about it due to fear, guilt and shame. The victims could be both men and women, young adults who are in same-sex relationship, all ages – tween and upwards. Most such victims who were forced to have sex are less likely to use condoms. The perpetrator is frequently an intimate partner. Date rapes, forced oral sex, unwanted touching – all constitute part of sexual abuse.

If you have faced any of the above, it might be time to walk out of the relationship. This is not always easy but try talking to someone you trust – a friend, sibling or trustworthy adult. And always remember – IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

We hope this article helps you! Do leave your thoughts in the comments below. For more articles by our Sexual Wellness Expert Pallavi Barnwal, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to her LIVE sessions on GOQii Play. You can also connect with her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pallavibarnwalcoach

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