Search Results for: sexual wellness

November 20, 2020 By Pallavi Barnwal Leave a Comment

6 Main Sex Related Myths That Can Destroy Your Sex Life

Sex is a rarely discussed subject in the public domain and that leads to spreading a lot of misinformation out there, which leads to unrealistic expectations and disappointment. Despite being a sex educator, I myself had been living in one of these sex related myths that had a mighty toll on my relationship and hence, it becomes important to discuss all those sex related myths that we carry as beliefs in our intimate relationships. Let us bust all of them, one by one!

Myth #1 – You Should Spontaneously Want Sex

Most people believe that sex drive should be spontaneous. But it can never be possible, at the exact same moment, both you and your partner should feel the desire for sex. Typically, in a relationship, one person becomes the initiator while the other is the responder. You may also have realized that you’ve been labeling yourself or your partner as “low desire” simply because you didn’t understand the difference between Spontaneous and Responsive sex drive, and what each type needs.

Here’s the basic difference: Spontaneous libido types first feel mental desire for sex and then they seek out physical stimulation. Responsive libido types people need to be physically stimulated first, then they’ll feel mental desire. In other words: Spontaneous feel turned on, get physical – Responsive get physical, feel turned on.

If your partner is not initiating sex, it does not mean ‘always’ that they do not want it. It can also mean that their sexual drive is responsive, they are comfortable responding and not initiating. If you’re a Responsive sex drive type, you’re rarely going to be spontaneously interested in sex. It’s not the way your body works.

Myth #2 – If Your Partner Doesn’t Want Sex, It’s Because They Aren’t Attracted To You

This has happened with me when the man did not want sex because he was on a vow of celibacy. I felt deeply rejected and all that time he was saying do not take this as a rejection. It is not about you. But I would simply not believe it.

If your partner doesn’t want to have sex – either in a particular moment, or if they generally have a lower sex drive than you – it’s easy to take it personally. You worry that your partner is starting to see you as their roommate, not their lover.

The Truth: There can be tons of different reasons why people don’t feel interested in sex (stress, health issues, depression, body image, etc.). Only one of those reasons is not being attracted to your partner.

Myth #3 – If Your Partner Wants Sex, It’s Just Because They’re Horny

I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I had faced this misunderstanding time and again in a relationship by the man who felt all I am interested in is getting physical pleasure. He failed to see that it is a way of a deep intimate, emotional connection for me. It’s funny, we take it personally when our partners don’t want sex, but when they do want sex, we tend to de-personalize it! You may think your partner only wants sex to get the physical sensations, and you’re just a vessel for them to get off.

The Truth: Sure, it’s nice to feel physical pleasure and have an orgasm, but that’s just one of the many reasons why we have sex. The truth is that sex is an emotional experience for most of us. Having sex is a way for us to physically express our love, affection, and attraction. If you and your partner have been battling with mismatched sex drives for a while, I can say for certain that the higher sex drive partner misses feeling connected, playful, and intimate way more than they miss having orgasms.

Myth #4 – Men Always Want It More

This is such a harmful myth for heterosexual couples. In couples where the woman has a higher sex drive, the man feels emasculated, the woman feels unfeminine, and their sex life almost always comes to a grinding halt.

The Truth: We’re all unique. There are some men who want sex more often than women, and some women who want sex more than men. Wanting a lot of sex as a woman doesn’t make you unfeminine. Not wanting sex as frequently as a man doesn’t make you un-masculine.

Myth # 5 – You Can’t Change Your Sex Drive

If you’re like most people, you think of your sex drive as you think of your physical traits. Just like you can’t make yourself grow taller or have smaller feet, you can’t change your sex drive. I see a lot of couples where the man reaches out bothered, “My wife is not at all interested in sex.”

The Truth: Great news! You absolutely do have control over your sex drive. You can make active changes to create the sex drive that you want. And it’s going to be way easier than you think it is!

Myth #6 – You Shouldn’t Have To Work On Your Sex Life

If there’s one myth that I think is more common and more dangerous than all others, it’s this one. Most of us believe that great sex should just happen “naturally”. Having to put in any sort of effort is seen as a sign that something is “broken” or “not a good fit”.

The Truth: Great sex doesn’t just happen naturally. It requires consistent effort. You have the power to create the sex life that you want! And here’s the amazing secret: working on improving your sex life doesn’t have to feel like a chore. It can be incredibly fun, fulfilling, and exhilarating!

We hope this article has helped you bust all these sex related myths. For more on sexual wellness, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to LIVE sessions by our sexual wellness expert Pallavi Barnwal on GOQii Play. You can also connect with her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pallavibarnwalcoach

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October 30, 2020 By Pallavi Barnwal Leave a Comment

How Often Should You Have Sex?

Men often ask me, how much sex should we be having? Can there be a number answer to it? Like thrice a week, once a week, and so on. Sex works for different people in different ways. It’s the classic chicken and egg dilemma. What comes first – happiness or frequent sex? For some people, frequent sex is what makes them happier in the relationship, whereas for others, happiness and the connection is a precondition to feeling desirous of having sex.

It’s Not An Easy Situation.

I know how painful it can be to steer through, how often to have sex. Getting turned down for it, or having to turn your partner down, is hard for couples even in a stable relationship. When the relationship is fragile due to fighting or communication problems, it can be even more problematic.

Throwing out an overly simplistic rule like “have sex thrice a week” doesn’t help matters much. There are three main reasons why I don’t support this thrice-a-week standard:

I’ve seen the stifling effects that these kind of rules and instructions can have on couples. We get bombarded by so many advices about what we’re “supposed” to do when it comes to sex (“be sexy but not too much for her”, “wait for him to initiate”, “try this position, this toy, this technique”, etc). Throwing another arbitrary rule on the table only makes the couple feel more anxiety. It means indirectly that they’re not “normal” or not measuring up and this can cripple the overall morale of the couple.

This general advice overlooks the individual reasons the couple is struggling with their sex life in the first place. The couple may have a power struggle or relationship issues that is manifesting in their bedroom. One partner might be going through biological changes that are affecting their arousal levels. The sex that they’re having may be so unpleasant/monotonous that one partner starts withdrawing. Someone might be carrying scars of past sexual abuse. The possibilities are endless, and each couple needs individualized attention rather than canned one-size-fits-all advice.

I firmly believe that the process of negotiating a sexual relationship that feels authentic, flexible, and connected is one of the most enriching experiences a couple can go through. The opportunities for personal and relational growth are immense.

So there’s no set-in-stone rule for how often couples should have sex. What’s much more important than forcing yourself to sleep together an arbitrary number of times is to find ways to talk about and work on your sex life together.

We hope this article helps you! For more on sexual wellness, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to LIVE sessions by our sexual wellness expert Pallavi Barnwal on GOQii Play. You can also connect with her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pallavibarnwalcoach

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October 9, 2020 By Pallavi Barnwal 1 Comment

Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction, Is It Real?

Erectile dysfunction is one of those things that affects many couples, and people still don’t talk about it enough. For some it could be a source of embarrassment and confusion, especially because it is associated with aging, illness or hormonal imbalances.

Before getting into this article, remember: a sexual disorder is something that can affect anyone. It is not a ‘failure’ on anyone’s part and it is nothing to be ashamed about! For most people, Erectile Dysfunction (ED) can be treated successfully with a combination of methods, both medical and alternative. But what if we told you that there could be a link between your media consumption and erectile dysfunction? More specifically: could porn be harming your sex life?

What Does the Research Say About Erectile Dysfunction?

While the increase of Erectile Dysfunction in younger populations casts pornography as an obvious culprit, there is still no proven link between porn and sexual dysfunction. Porn is everywhere now. It’s free, it’s available, and it caters to every fetish or fantasy imaginable. So when it comes to porn, does the common-sense approach ‘too much of anything is bad’ hold true?

The research is unclear, but what we do know is that porn triggers an instant release of dopamine, also known as our ‘happy hormones’. A quick fix of dopamine! That explains why porn can be so addictive. For many, this addictive nature of porn can direct them to more specific or extreme types of porn to get that desired dopamine hit. As the body gets accustomed to this, a regular sexual experience may no longer feel exciting enough.

But erectile dysfunction is not the only issue. Another common issue that could be related to porn is ejaculation control. Those masturbating to porn tend to do so very quickly to avoid being caught. A hasty ‘quickie’ is quite normalized these days. While this may provide quick release, it also trains our bodies to orgasm very quickly, a habit that carries on into our sex life with other people. In fact, premature ejaculation may be far more connected to porn viewing than erectile dysfunction.

Porn and Arousal

ED is rarely a single-cause issue. Health, disease, age, exercise, habits like smoking and drinking, mental health and body image can all affect arousal and sexual health. For many, porn creates a safe atmosphere for arousal; one without fear of judgement or pressure to perform in front of another person. It makes arousal easier. At the same time, this comfort also makes it easier to ignore underlying issues and turn to porn as the only escape. Porn can also make you crave for newer and newer content. But when there is new content, perfect bodies and extremely specific sexual niches readily available online, regular sex with the same partner pales in comparison. Sex with another person can be complicated and messy, sometimes even intimidating. It requires work, communication, trust and vulnerability in a way that watching porn doesn’t. Porn can become an easy way out, at the expense of working on the issues that really matter.

If this sounds like you and you suspect that watching porn is affecting your sex life negatively, then here are some questions to think over: Do you only feel like there is a problem during partnered sex? Do you find yourself dependent on porn to masturbate and reach orgasm? What sort of porn are you watching, do you get bored of one type of content and move on to the next quickly? By trying to understand which situations make arousal difficult, it can give you clarity on whether your problem is mental, physical, or a combination of both.

You think you may have a problem: Now what?

If you feel like porn is seriously affecting your sex life, consider speaking to a professional or a sex therapist. Otherwise, on your own, you could try masturbating without porn. Focus on situations outside of porn that have been arousing, invest more in connecting with your partner and visualizing sex as an extension of that connection. Experience the sensation of touch and maybe don’t even focus on orgasming initially. Get to know your body, even outside of a sexual context: what sort of sights, sounds, tastes and feelings do you enjoy? Deepening your connection with your body in everyday life is bound to be rewarding during sex.

While some groups suggest that porn should be given up altogether, the most practical approach is to enjoy porn in moderation or to watch porn that portrays more realistic sex and bodies. Porn-induced erectile dysfunction is still a debated idea. Overall, most experts agree that there is nothing inherently wrong with masturbation or pornography.

Like with everything else, what matters is how these practices fit into your life and how you relate to them. Health and wellness are complicated, diverse spectrums: there is no singular way to have a healthy sex life. So pay attention to your body, your feelings, pleasure and your individual desires and goals, and ask yourself: is porn helping or harming?

We hope this article helps you! For more on sexual wellness, tune in to LIVE sessions by our sexual wellness expert Pallavi Barnwal on GOQii Play. You can also connect with her on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/pallavibarnwalcoach

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September 25, 2020 By Pallavi Barnwal 1 Comment

Facing A Low Sex-Drive? This Could Be Why!

Late-night google searches about what could be behind a low-libido or a sudden dip in sexual appetite brings up the usual suspects: medication, stress, depression, hormonal fluctuations, poor diet and exercise and lack of sleep. Now these lifestyle factors can definitely have a huge impact on your sex life, but the truth is, a loss in sex drive runs much deeper than this.

10 Surprising Factors That May Be Killing Your Sex Drive

1. Your Bedroom
The bedroom is going to be the place where you have sex the most. Take a look around your bedroom. Is it warm and welcoming? Or is it cluttered, messy, dull and distracting? If your bedroom isn’t a place where you would generally want to spend time, then why would you want to have sex there? Try and create a relaxing and soothing atmosphere in your bedroom. Simply keeping it tidy, and having some warm night lamps, with clean sheets can go a long way! Let your bedroom be a space that inspires sensuality and intimacy.

2. Your Cell-phone
Cell-phones can be a huge turn-off. How often have you wanted to spend time with your partner, only to find them buried in their cell-phone? Technology addictions can rewire our brain, make us irritable, distracted and hasty. It can also build resentment between partners, and make you lose out on moments that could be spent together. Maybe spend a scheduled ‘no-phone’ time with each other, or ensure that phones are off-limits during dates or quality time together. The intimacy that can come with real-life moments is bound to help in your sex life.

3. Your timing
If you’re in a long-term relationship, chances are you initiate sex at the very end of the day, right before bed. This may come as a surprise: but this is actually the worst time to have sex, because you’re both already exhausted after a long day. You may also be discouraged by the fact that having sex will then take away the time you have left for sleep. If this sounds like you, morning sex may be a great idea, or having more sex on the weekends when there is less stress to sleep on time for a work-day.

4. Sexual pain
Did you know that 1 in 3 women experience sexual pain? This could be because of stress, muscle tightness, sexual trauma, sexual shame, menstrual disorders or a lack of arousal. If you experience pain, it’s no wonder that your body wouldn’t want sex: to protect you from experiencing pain, the body adjusts by no longer craving sex. If you think this could be you, consider seeing a professional. Most sexual pain is successfully treated through a combination of medication, talk therapy and physiotherapy.

5. Self-Esteem
Your sex-drive is closely connected to how you feel about yourself and your body. If you have poor body image, or feel unworthy of love, it may manifest in an aversion to sex, touch and pleasure. A low-sex drive may be a signal from your body that you need to indulge in some radical self-care: whether it is working on your self-esteem, exercising, meditating, going for therapy, finding new hobbies or journaling; find what works for you, and let it nourish your self-esteem and sex life!

6. The initiation
An active, healthy, and happy sex life depends on communication around our sexual wants, desires, and dislikes. And the first part of communication lies in how you initiate sex.

Akshatha, who has been married for a few years spoke to us about how miscommunication during initiation affected her sex life: ‘I have a high libido, but I didn’t know how to initiate sex during the beginning of our marriage, because I thought initiation always has to come from a man. I lost many months of pleasure thinking this way. He was also a night-owl who came home late, which widened our miscommunication.’

In Akshatha’s case, it was seeing a counselor and communicating better with her partner that improved the situation. It required a lot of talking, and it is still a conversation that they revisit from time to time. Are you and your partner able to successfully initiate sex with each other? Do you know each other’s cues and signals when the other is trying to initiate sex?

Do you give each other space to decide if and how both of you want to have sex after the first hints of initiation? And do you know how to gently turn each other down, and be respectful when the other person doesn’t want sex? Ask yourself these questions, and if there are any weak links, work on them by talking to your partner!

7. Your relationship
Your sex life doesn’t exist in isolation from other things you share with your partner. If there’s been a lot of fighting, exhaustion, resentment, and/ or a general feeling of being misunderstood or neglected by your partner, it’s no surprise that you wouldn’t want to have sex.

After all, we want to have sex with people who make us feel good, safe, loved, and desired. And if these feelings are breaking down in your relationship, you can’t expect your sex life to thrive. While no relationship is perfect, this may be a moment to take a step back and work on the basic trust, respect, communication, and comfort that nourishes every relationship. Couples therapy and a commitment to making things work again may help some couples get back on the right track. For other couples, this could be a sign that they need to reconsider the relationship or give it a pause. If you think your relationship is abusive, ignore all the above advice, and get help immediately.

8. Perfectionism
Many of us tend to bring perfectionism into our sex lives. We may think that a perfect, long-lasting erection is necessary, with a perfectly timed orgasm from both partners. We may watch porn and end up believing that both partners can pleasure each other perfectly without prior and ongoing communication. We may also believe that our bodies are supposed to look sleek, smooth, and perfect in every position, that we can’t make noises or faces that aren’t considered perfectly ‘sexy’ and that we’re supposed to get everything right on the first try.

Sexual perfectionism can create massive anxiety with regard to performance. And when this happens, the idea of sex itself may seem unappealing. If the stakes feel so high, why would you want to risk the humiliation of making a ‘mistake?’

This may be a good time to introspect on your insecurities and find a way to reconnect with your body in a way that focuses on pleasure, not performance. It may also suggest that you need to be open and honest with your partner about this problem. The more comfortable and intimate you feel with them, it will become easier for sex to feel like a natural progression of this connection, and not something that you have to ‘achieve’ in.

Remember, sex is human, clumsy, vulnerable, and messy. It isn’t meant to be perfect. Sex is meant to feel good: and this is much more important than how you look, sound or your ‘performance!’

9. Fear
We are told that sex is supposed to feel natural and organic, so when we find that we have to put in effort to make sex work, we may fear that something is wrong. And the more you worry about this, the harder it becomes to have and enjoy sex. If this is happening to you, first just pause and take a breath.

One of the biggest myths that sex is just ‘supposed to happen.’ In reality, the best sex requires more than just attraction: it requires honesty, trust and communication. And with our daily work lives, it may also require planning around timing and schedule. If you find that you have to put in thought and effort to make sex work with your partner, nothing is wrong with you! It’s absolutely normal. Don’t be afraid of the effort, planning or conversations that you need to have good sex with your partner.

Sex, intimacy and physical contact are deep, essential human desires for most of us. And an unhappy sex life can create intense feelings of loneliness and yearning.

As Samar, a professional in his 40s says: ‘I am extroverted, passionate and romantic by nature. I wanted so badly to feel this romance, and of course, passionate sex, after marriage. I had an arranged marriage, and soon it was clear to me that my wife was the opposite. She was determined to be a ‘wife’ and not a ‘lover.’ You may not believe it, but in my seventeen years of married life, I have never been hugged, kissed or cuddled. Sex has just been for duty, and never for love-making. It’s a painful truth that I crave for a loving hug.’

This is also why sexual compatibility is important in a relationship. How do you and your partner relate to sex? Are you comfortable discussing your fetishes, fantasies, desires and kinks? Is it similar for both of you? Do your sex drives match? And if not, how will you manage it?

These are questions worth asking before entering any long-term relationship. But even for the most sexually compatible couples, a sudden dip in libido may occur, or sometimes the sexual excitement just fizzles out. If this happens, don’t panic. It’s normal for your sex-drive to fluctuate over time. Don’t be afraid to seek help and support, and make sure that you aren’t making any of the libido-killing mistakes mentioned in this article! Be kind to yourself, and remember: sex is supposed to feel good, so don’t overthink it!

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