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What I Learned About Bringing A Real Change In Self

It wasn’t long ago that two of us friends visited a common friend and her family. As we all got chatting on a particularly interesting topic, I grew excited and participated enthusiastically. Everyone seemed to have a good time and I went back in good spirits pondering about some of the things we spoke about.

A few weeks later the friend who had accompanied me for the visit, gently pointed out to me that I had dominated the conversation that evening; chiming in more often than was necessary, cutting off others in my enthusiasm. As he shared his observation, I could feel the blood rushing to my head. Every cell in my body demanded that I put this friend in his place by giving free reign to the hurtful words that awaited their release from the tip of my tongue.

All through the din of my internal battle drums, a very quiet voice from somewhere close to my heart, stopped me. It calmly pointed out that may be this friend was not so completely wrong. But I still hadn’t reached a place of unconditional self-acceptance so as to receive such feedback with grace and gratitude. I was foaming at the mouth instead.

Just about managing to hold back the venom that was ready to spew through my words, I sat through the next 5 minutes in stoic silence letting my loving friend squirm in discomfort, though he deserved better for his courage and honesty. With the passing of minutes I managed to calm down sufficiently to be decent to him. We even managed to finish our coffee and share a few smiles before going off our different ways.

That evening I sat with my journal painfully writing down an honest account of what had happened on that particular evening — the evening of the get-together, when I was supposed to have been behaving like a self-centred loud mouth. As I sifted through the scenes, it became clear that my friend had been spot on in his feedback.

As all of us had engaged in discussing and debating on an interesting topic, I had kept pushing my point of view, expressing my thoughts and increasing my volume just a wee bit, enough to suppress any attempts by others to oppose me, not pausing for breath; almost as if I was scared that if I paused someone may take my place as the Prima donna.

I remembered observing and ignoring fleeting expressions of frustration and impatience on the listeners faces, as they experienced themselves being cut off half way through their sentences. I recalled the grace with which they chose to listen to me rather than express their irritation. I even remember having the nagging feeling that I should stop, slow down, pause and let others participate, but something kept egging me on. This “something” is what I was scared to confront. Because according to my judgment this “something” — the need to feel important, made me a pathetic person.

I felt embarrassment and anger course through me — Embarrassment about my appalling behaviour and anger towards myself for not doing better. After a few hours of internal battle, I came out relatively unscathed, resolving to work on changing my behaviour. I am glad to say that I have made progress since then.

As I looked back on that evening of introspection and asked – why was the experience so painful? What was it that helped me come out a better person, through it? This is what I learnt.

I had experienced shame and anger at the beginning because I had been judgmental about myself, telling myself that I was expected to be thoughtful and considerate at all times. Effectively I was holding myself up to standards that I may never be able to live up to — of not making mistakes. However after calming down with a few deep breaths, I had told myself what I tell many of my clients, who are trying to bring about change in themselves — You are more than your words and actions; acknowledging a flaw in a behaviour does not imply that you are a bad person. I had practiced with great difficulty what I preach to my clients — self-compassion and self-love.

I had held myself lovingly through the pain of knowing that in those moments I must have behaved like a selfish inconsiderate idiot, but had also assured myself that I still wasn’t any of that; that it was a behaviour demonstrated in a moment of ignorance and poor judgment; that I was capable of bringing about change. I had reminded myself that pain is the strongest indicator of growth.

Self-compassion and self-love had saved the day. And I will admit that it is not always easy to practice these. I had help — help in the form of all those friends and family who, in my life journey, not only showed me compassion but also let me know that I was loved, through my moments of weakness and strength; help in the form of those masters and authors who made themselves the instrument of change and generously laid out their life experiments for others like me, to learn from; help in the form of clients who dug deep into their being, to come up with the courage to care for themselves despite their flaws. I was grateful to them for allowing me to witness the transformation they brought in themselves with such love, for instilling in me the confidence that true personal growth needs a mix of honesty, courage, love and self-compassion and for giving me the inspiration to grow.

As I write this I wish and hope that more of us can practice self-compassion and self-love because we need it, we deserve it and because I am convinced that the only way we can bring about substantial change and growth in ourselves, is through love and compassion.

#BeTheForce 

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The Secret To Connecting With Others And Healing

HealingAn Act of Courage

Rishabh’s body trembled almost imperceptibly, lips quivered and tears brimmed over.  He was telling his friend about the time, two years ago, when he found out that he had failed his semester exams. The friend who was listening to him, looked somber and sighed, seeing how devastating the incident had been for Rishabh. “That must have been really hard for you. I am trying to imagine what it must have been like for you to handle the burden of it, all by yourself. I wish I had spoken to you and told you that failing a semester didn’t change the way I see you and how much you mean to me as a friend,” he said, his eyes mirroring his friend’s pain.

This is an example of an interaction between one person choosing to be vulnerable with another, who in turn, chose to respond with understanding, care and compassion. It doesn’t need a doctorate degree for one to recognize that it must have taken a lot of courage for the speaker to open up about something that brought on feelings of shame, sadness and isolation. At the same time his friend’s response was honoring of Rishabh’s experience of pain. And such a conversation could mark the beginning of a healing process.

What Does it Mean to be Vulnerable?

In her book, ‘Daring Greatly’, Dr. Brené Brown describes vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” It is that feeling of going out of your comfort zone, opening yourself up to the risk of being judged, and letting go of control to some extent. One of the biggest myths about vulnerability is that it is a sign of weakness. Our society propagates the idea that being strong means not being scared, hurt, confused or jealous. We are told that being strong is about not feeling fear and being in total control. This idea has been drilled into our minds and hearts for very long. But is that true? Does being strong mean being perfect? Does it mean pretending to be okay at all times? Or managing all our life problems independently and not taking support?

The answer is a big NO! It is a myth that most of us have been reeled into. Not feeling fear would require us to numb every other feeling along with it; every feeling that makes us human.

But Dr Brown says “When we think of times that we have felt vulnerable or emotionally exposed, we are actually recalling times of great courage”. She adds that, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” We make the assumption that the things that make us feel distressed and ashamed, are things that should be hidden and kept a secret. But not talking about them reinforces the voice in our heads that tells us that we are not good enough. That clearly is of no help and could aggravate the feelings of alienation & disconnection.

Like in the example at the beginning of this blog, when Rishabh chose to be vulnerable, it opened up an opportunity for a significant person in his life to witness important parts of him, thus validating his feelings and making him feel whole again. And it is that wholeness that allows us to understand and accept that making mistakes, going through challenges, or struggling in relationships, is not shameful, rather, it is what makes us human. Acceptance of our fragility, accelerates the healing process.

Trying Out Vulnerability

If practicing vulnerability feels like too much of a leap for you, here are a few things that can help you begin:

  1. Start with something really small, like telling a friend or colleague about devouring 4 mangoes in one go or not having a shower all day or feeling anxious about an upcoming meeting.
  2. Whenever someone shares something with you, that makes them vulnerable, acknowledge their courage in sharing it with you and provide support with your listening and presence, without offering solutions or advice.

The Way Ahead

Let’s start one small step at a time in our own lives, because when you open yourself up to others and allow them to support and help you, you are also inspiring others around you to open up and thus helping the world to heal. As the famous author Haruki Murakami says “What happens when people open their hearts? They get better!”

We hope this article helps you. For more topics on mental health and emotional well-being, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to experts on GOQii Play.

Go get tips on improving mental and emotional health, connect with your GOQii Coach by subscribing for Personalised Health Coaching here.

#BeTheForce 

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Getting Along with Difficult Family Members

difficult family members

When a friendship gets toxic or it starts to impact one’s peace of mind, one can choose to move on and change the status of the relationship from “friends” to “not friends anymore”, but family relations are a different story altogether. Whether you like them, dislike them, find them needy, toxic or frustrating, the relationship is often there to stay. Family relationships can be complicated with their unique histories and their potential to significantly impact the quality of our lives. So how do you deal with close family members who drive you mad?

First, every relationship involves two people and if we are talking about a relationship of your life then YOU are a 50% stakeholder. While it may seem like your relationship is like a car with the other person driving it and you relegated to being a hapless passenger, in reality, a relationship is more like a boat that requires two people to row, to keep it moving. So, despite how you feel, you do have an influential role to play in the ongoing and future quality of the relationship. Here’s a list of 7 steps that you can take to make things better:

1. Stop trying to change this person

When we witness the family member behave, repeatedly, in ways that we disapprove of, we would inevitably want to change them. There are three reasons why this strategy will bomb. One, it is practically impossible to change the behavior of another person unless they are motivated to change. Secondly, the constant need to change someone and the equally consistent failure to do so, can leave you feeling deeply frustrated and deteriorate the situation further. Thirdly, the more you point out mistakes or make suggestions for improvement, the more they will see it as your way of rejecting them and they could feel resentful or inadequate. Hence a better strategy would be to consider modifying your own thoughts and responses, so as to feel more at peace.

2. Recognize the trigger points and refuse to rise to the bait

There are bound to be certain topics that tend to drive you and probably even the other person into a tizzy. Identify these in advance and reflect on how you would ideally want to respond to them whenever they come up. Steer clear of engaging in heated arguments around these subjects. Whenever it does come up, pay attention to your breath and the rising temptation to react emotionally. Keep breathing deeply and exhaling completely and allow the moment to pass without an outward reaction. If possible convey to the other person in an even and firm tone that you would prefer not to talk about the matter or that you would prefer to do it later, when you are in a better frame of mind. If the other person still continues, repeat your message and move away physically.

3. Slowly wipe out the toxicity in the relationship

It may have been weeks or months or even years since you had a happy or positive interaction with the family member in question. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. Take out time to list down the things that you like or had liked about this person, including the smallest and most insignificant of their positive characteristics. You may not be very motivated to think about this person’s positive traits but make the list anyway. Whether it is their warmth towards kids, trusting you with their finances, keeping things tidy, remembering dates important to you, getting repair work done, every single thing counts. Once you have the list, make a note every time you see these behaviors and genuinely appreciate these acts. Start small by acknowledging it to yourself and slowly progress towards expressing the appreciation to them verbally. Initially it may feel awkward. But as you continue it will feel more natural and easier. Genuine appreciation and acknowledgment are powerful ways of making people feel more valued and loved and create connection.

4. Review the story you are telling yourself

Thinking “My sister always makes fun of me because she loves putting me down and feeling superior” will make one feel resentful and hurt; A thought like “my husband keeps nagging me because he doesn’t trust me to do a good job” could lead to feelings of sadness and helplessness; Another thought like “my daughter doesn’t spend time with me because she thinks I am boring and stupid” may leave one feeling upset and powerless. The fact that your sister jokes about you may have nothing to do with you and may be her way of trying to keep things light; a nagging spouse may be doing so to hold on to a sense of connection. Similarly, the daughter’s indifference may have little to do with your capabilities as a parent and more to do with her preoccupation with what’s going on in college. Write down your assumptions and question their validity. As you can see, changing the narrative inside our heads has the power to change the way we feel. Opting for the most charitable interpretation of the other person’s actions can be empowering for you and lead to more harmony.

5. Listen deeply

Especially with family members we do not use our listening skills well. We judge them far more than the people we meet less often. Hence, even before they have completed a sentence we jump to conclusions about their message and their intent. Try to really listen. Don’t interrupt. Instead of thinking up of a fitting comeback, pay attention to what they are trying to convey. What are they feeling as they are speaking? What emotional need are they wanting fulfilled? Listening is a fundamental way of making a person feel respected and valued. This helps the speaker to calm down, become less defensive and if they feel fully listened to, they may even be willing to listen to your point of view. Good listening goes a long way in calming things down.

6. Have compassion – for yourself and for them

Charity begins at home and compassion begins with self. When you try to attempt the above steps there will be times when you don’t succeed and feeling frustrated as a result is only expected. Whenever you feel frustrated, remind yourself that you are suffering too. Offer yourself words of empathy, love and comfort. Here’s an example of how to offer yourself compassion – silently say to yourself, “This is painful for you. You are human and all humans make mistakes. I am here for you and I love you!”

When you practice compassion with yourself, it becomes easier to feel compassionate to others. Remember that they are doing the best they can, based on what they know and believe. They too want to live a good life and feel loved and valued by others.

7. The “Brahmastra” (ultimate weapon)

There are those times when a family member will keep saying hurtful things and/or continue to ceaselessly complain despite your repeated requests to stop. At this point, visualize the pain inside of that person and mentally keep sending them love and blessings. It may sound counterintuitive and silly. But this one method cannot fail you. As they continue with their rants, keep repeating words of love or blessings like “I love you, I love, I love you” or “May you find peace, healing and joy. May you find peace, healing and joy”, mentally. Visualize a loving energy flowing from your heart to theirs while doing that. You will feel a change in them, as well as yourself.

If all else fails and you still feel triggered by this family member, consider shifting your residence (if that is an option), at least temporarily. Even close family relationships may sometimes be beyond repair. In such cases the kindest thing you can do to yourself and the other, is to move away and with time forgive them and yourself. Remember that it is not people who are difficult, but contradictory views and behaviors that get challenging. At times the change required may be in you and not the other. It is easier to blame others for our frustrations than to bring about change in ourselves. Staying a victim can be a subconscious coping mechanism to avoid taking responsibility. That is not always the case though.

In conclusion people are designed to be different. These differences have the potential to make life more meaningful and interesting. Conflicts and disagreements, thus give us opportunities to widen our world view, transform our relationships and help us grow.

We hope this article helps you! Do leave your thoughts in the comments below. For more on Mental Health and Emotional Wellness, check out Healthy Reads or speak to a certified expert by subscribing to GOQii’s Personalised Health Coaching here.

#BeTheForce 

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5 Steps To Cure The “What Will People Think” Syndrome

what will people thinkYou watch an invigorating dance performance on YouTube and feel your heart race and blood sing in your veins. Your love for dance has once again been roused. The image of you enthralling an auditorium full of people with your outstanding dance performance flashes through your mind – A dream you had nursed throughout your teens and 20’s. You close the door to your room, put on some music with fast beats and dance energetically in the safety of your room. You almost make up your mind that you are going to enroll for a dance class and perform to an audience sometime soon. But as the night passes and the new day breaks, you remind yourself that you have to be “practical”…

You consider yourself overweight. You are convinced that your family, friends and even strangers would laugh at you. You imagine the looks of ridicule on their faces when they get to know about your dream to dance. The decision is easy – “People see me as a responsible father, husband and professional. What would they think if they found out that I was training for dance and planning to perform in public?” And another dream is sacrificed at the altar of “What will people think”.

In my work with people, I have lost count of the number of times I have heard them say that they suppressed their needs & desires or gave up on their dreams, wishes, and hopes for a better life, because they were worried about what people would think. These wishes and dreams varied from wanting to cut their hair short or allowing themselves a weekend trip, to dreaming of starting an enterprise or wanting to walk away from an abusive relationship. I strongly suspect  that “What will people think” syndrome is the single biggest killer of hopes, possibilities and dreams. what will people think syndrome

What’s Behind The Fear?

If you have had this syndrome or still do, it just shows that you are human. This is driven by our evolutionary history. Thousands of years ago when humans were hunters and gatherers, avoiding disapproval from others was important for our survival. And of course we have been further conditioned by our families and schools to see others’ approval as the gauge of our worthiness. But then how does one overcome this fear?

Some Ways To Beat The “What Will People Think Syndrome”

1. Remember, people really don’t think or care that much about you
We humans are too busy obsessing about our own lives and spend very little time thinking about others. Even when we do think about others, it is in the context of how that impacts “me”, otherwise those thoughts are momentary. If you are not convinced, consider this – how much time of your day do you spend thinking about others’ (people who you are not close to) choices about their lives, particularly what may be deemed as stupid or poor choices? 5 hours? 2 hours? Half an hour? 2 minutes? 30 seconds? I am guessing it is more like the last figure. See what I mean? And here you are trying to conform to what you assume is others’ expectation of you, just so that for those few flashing moments people may approve of you (in your imagination). When you conform to imaginary rules so as to not attract disapproval, the only thing you manage to do is live a life of insignificance and make yourself invisible. On the other hand living by your own priorities and needs makes life more meaningful and engaging.

2. Stop judging and gossiping
We have a tendency to second guess other people’s reaction based on our own. Hence if you are in the habit of making judgmental, insensitive comments about others and are easily given to reveling in juicy pieces of gossip, it’s only natural for you to worry about others’ judging you the same way. So when you make it a practice to think compassionately about others, your worry about others’ judgment also diminishes.

3. Be accepting and kind to yourself
The people who fear judgment the most are the ones who judge THEMSELVES very harshly. When you are disapproving of yourself, then it is only natural for your mind to look for approval from others. That’s the only way to survive. I recently heard a well known actress admit during an interview that she used to constantly worry about her acne and imagined that when people spoke to her they only saw her acne. And she then went on to do her first movie while the acne still existed and she was amazed at how no one seemed to care about her acne. When we judge ourselves harshly we are constantly looking for cues for others’ disapproval and find it even where there is none. So spare yourself the torture by being kind and accepting of yourself.

4. Protect your dreams from harm
Many times it is our very own families and loved ones that plant the fear about other people’s opinions. They are just projecting their own insecurities on to you. Hence when you have ideas that you want to try out and suspect that your immediate family may not be thrilled about the idea, don’t share it with them till you have a clearer plan about how you want to take it forward. But do share it with one or two people who you know would support and encourage you. Your dream is like a seed. Once planted you need to water and nurture it and protect it from weeds and pests. Once the sapling grows into a strong plant and then a tree, it can withstand the strong sun and the storms. Same applies to your ideas and dreams.

5. Feel the fear and do it anyway
Rather than trying to avoid fear altogether, focus on taking action even when you feel worried or scared about other people’s reactions. Two things happen. One, you will realise that your anticipation of how others would react is either unfounded or exaggerated. Secondly you will feel more confident about the direction you want to move in, once you take the first few steps, rather than feeling confused and stuck.

Conclusion

You owe it to yourself to give yourself a chance and live a life that is genuinely joyful and meaningful. Your values and desires exist for a reason. Get out there and experiment with life, allow yourself to perspire, attract some unfavourable attention, fail a few times, laugh at yourself, get your hands dirty, stain your clothes; use up all those ideas, talents and gifts that you came to this earth with, because the best gift you can give this world is to be truly yourself!

We hope this article helps you overcome the “What will people think” syndrome. Do let us know your thoughts in the comments below. For more from our Emotional Wellness Expert Divya Thampi, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to her LIVE sessions on GOQii Play. Subscribe now! 

#BeTheForce

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