Divya Thampi, Author at GOQii

October 3, 2018 By Divya Thampi Leave a Comment

Setting Myself Free from Grudges

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Having arrived half an hour ahead of time, I settled in with my laptop, a bottle of drinking water and adjusted the client’s chair carefully at the right angle. With 5 more minutes to go for the first client to arrive, I made a call to the account manager of the company which had hired my services for this project. The arrangement was that I would visit this client’s premises once every fortnight for a few hours. As I had been travelling for the last few weeks, I was resuming service after a month’s interval, and saying “hello” to the account manager seemed like a good idea. With a smile on my face and a tune on my lips, I dialled his number and waited for the response. After about five rings, I heard his voice say “Hello”. With a widening smile, I asked about his health and went on to update him about my arrival at the client site.

Anger

There was a pause on the other side of the line. Wondering if I had lost him, I checked “are you there?” He confirmed that he was. Then sounding sheepish he told me that there had been an oversight on his part and he had forgotten to update me about a change of schedule. Essentially, he was telling me that I wasn’t supposed to be there that day. My smile faltered and eyebrows knitted together, while my mind tried to make sense of what he said. I could hear him carry on saying that my travel expenses would be reimbursed and that he really was sorry about the mix-up. As the full implication of what he was saying dawned on me, I sensed the blood rush to my face. But, before my protests could leave my lips, he repeated his apology and bid a hurried goodbye.

In a matter of seconds, my breath had quickened, my jaws had clenched and I could feel anger bubbling up within my chest. Thoughts about how unprofessional he had been, how his company was taking me for granted and how his apology didn’t sound sincere, added fuel to the already burning fire.

The thing about being a practising Emotional Wellness coach is that while you can choose to not practice some of the things you preach about regulating emotions, awareness of the feelings rising and falling within the self, is not something you can completely ignore, even if you wish to. It was almost as if there were two of me. One experiencing the anger and frustration and the other observing the first, calmly. This ‘calm me’ gently pointed out to the ‘upset me’ that just a few weeks back I had promised myself that I would let go of chaotic thoughts and feelings, that had the tendency to drag me down and drain me of vitality. I tried hard to ignore that quieter voice. But it persisted.

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Parallelly, my mind had been busy plotting revenge by considering demanding pay for my lost time, writing detailed emails about unprofessional behaviour of the manager to the top boss and eliciting a sincerer apology from him. Suddenly, the quieter voice in my head took control and drew attention to the ridiculousness of all these plans (a sincerer apology? Really). It occurred to me that the situation couldn’t be reversed. No matter how much I seethed, the schedule was not going to change. Recognizing the futility of holding on to anger towards the manager, helped me consider the choices I had at this moment. I could either go on being upset, telling myself stories about how unfair others had been to me and how I deserved more respect, OR then I could spend this spare time on something more rewarding.

“Every ego confuses opinions and viewpoints with facts. Furthermore, it cannot tell the difference between an event and its reaction to that event. Every ego is a master of selective perception and distorted interpretation. Only through awareness – not through thinking – can you differentiate between fact and opinion. Only through awareness are you able to see: There is the situation and here is the anger I feel about it, and then realize there are other ways of approaching the situation, other ways of seeing and dealing with it. Only through awareness can you see the totality of the situation or person instead of adopting one limited perspective.”–Eckhart Tolle

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As I calmed myself down by slowing down my breathing, an option to view the situation from a different perspective, presented itself – Maybe there had been a genuine and unintended oversight and maybe the manager was truly sorry? I thought about all my past interactions with him and it was evident that he was indeed a sincere person who took his work and responsibilities seriously. I reflected further and was convinced that the oversight couldn’t have been deliberate. ‘He is only human and we all make errors’, I reflected, ‘I have been there too. How would I feel if I made an unintended error and someone tried to rub my nose in it?’ Turning my attention back to me, I studied my own waning anger with more compassion and recognized my emotional patterns that tended to play out on automatic mode whenever my awareness was low. As my empathy towards myself increased, so did my compassion towards the manager. Taking deep breaths, I allowed these calming thoughts to wash over me.

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“As I look back on my life, I realise that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.” – Steve Maraboli

As the moments passed I could feel the smile returning to my lips and with a sudden sense of adventure I mentally ran through the many exciting options I had for spending this newfound time, in what had been an especially packed week. I eventually decided to meet a longtime family friend who stayed close by. A quick call confirmed that they would be more than happy to have me over for lunch and with a spring in my step I set out to explore the day!

After a wonderful time with friends and some additional time to catch my breath at home, I felt revitalized for my next assignment that evening. When the day turned to night, I received a text message from the account manager expressing his sincerest apologies and acknowledgement for the frustration I must have experienced during the day. I hastened to let him know that I had been upset for all of 2 minutes. I went on to elaborate that I trusted his sincerity and that I was not upset in the least. Saying this, flooded me with a sense of gratitude and realized that this experience had been a gift; an opportunity to practice letting go.

“One thing we do know: Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know that this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment.” – Eckhart Tolle

It doesn’t come this easy every time. Each time I start to bask in the assumption that I have mastered the art of calming down, yet another episode pops up to remind me of my fallibility. But it is in those very humbling experiences, where I have been beaten by my own resentment and upset feelings that I have learnt the most valuable lessons on setting myself free from my own grudges!

August 30, 2018 By Divya Thampi Leave a Comment

Empowering Ourselves Against Hopelessness – II

Empowering Practices

What can we do to create an environment of growth and well-being? To build resilience within ourselves and others? To encourage connection and autonomy? Here are few things each of us can do depending upon the roles we play:

Invest in relationships

Most people in their 20s, 30s and even in their 40s are busy chasing material wealth along with all the material things that constitute the idea of success in our society. But as mentioned in Part I of this blog, human connection is at the heart of our happiness. To nurture these relationships, try and plan for time with your friends and family, listen deeply and use every opportunity to tell your loved ones how much you love them, not just because it will make them happy but also because it may remind people that they are not alone after all. You never know what magic your words and actions set off.

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Disconnect from social media

Spending a few hours on social media every now and then, every day, may seem like a harmless habit. But it is harmful in more ways than one. One of the more obvious effects of social media is that by its very nature it compels you to compare yourself with others, leaving most users feeling inadequate, isolated and unhappy. Secondly, social media aims to encourage the behaviour of seeking validation. Once you become dependent on external validation, it is almost impossible to experience any peace of mind or keep up your motivation to get through important tasks on your own. Thirdly the only way for social media companies to leverage these virtual platforms is by ensuring that people use it often and for longer periods of time – these platforms are designed to be addictive.

If you haven’t realised it already, then you would like to know that our capability to focus and pay unwavering attention to the tasks we do, is the single most important skill that allows us to grow and progress in our personal and professional life. Consequently, social media when used indiscreetly can strip us of this valuable ability to focus, learn and grow. Use it with care.

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Take care of your body

Body is the only home you have– Mind and body are connected and your body is designed to be used for tasks that activate the muscles. Today’s sedentary lifestyle is hazardous for your health. Imagine a fully powered sports car sitting in the garage. What would happen to it if it is never taken for a ride? It would rust, deteriorate and even become non-functional after a few years. We are no different. The mantra “use it or lose it” is quite apt when it comes to our physical fitness.

Get moving – do yoga, go for walks, hit the gym, play a sport, engage in domestic chores, join a trek, practice dance – do whatever it takes because those muscles and joints need the movement to keep you not just physically but also mentally fit. Besides strengthening the body, physical exercise also helps your brain release endorphins which makes your mind sharper, improves your memory and makes you feel good about yourself.

Connect with yourself every day

Personal and professional responsibilities, big and small, leave most of us with precious little time for ourselves and whatever little time we do get, gets used up in checking messages, watching mindless TV, browsing the internet or surfing the social media sites. One of the reasons why a lot of us feel disconnected despite being so connected through technology is because we don’t etch out time for introspection – there’s no time to reflect on our daily experiences.

Just like each of us schedules time for personal hygiene, it is important that we make time for emotional and mental hygiene each day. It will not only help us to feel grounded but will also help us to learn and grow as the days come and go, rather than life passing us by in a blur. If possible maintain a notebook to jot down your thoughts about the important events of the day before going to bed or then just do a quick mental review, without getting drawn into over-analysis. Daily practices of mindfulness, even for 20 minutes a day, go a long way toward helping us sleep better and experience a sense of peace.

Explore your interests and strengths

Each of us has come into this world with our unique strengths, talents and skills and our most important duty in this lifetime is to use and hone those gifts productively because that’s the only way we can truly and authentically contribute to the world. Pay attention to the tasks that you find interesting and easy to do. These have to be things where you bring something into the world or something that helps your mind grow. Playing video games and watching Television doesn’t count!

Whatever activity it may be, it doesn’t matter whether others consider it valuable or not. These may include doodling, dancing, writing poetry, making origami, acting, compiling letters, writing articles, sketching, painting, growing mushrooms, training or grooming pets or a million other things that you can choose from. Whatever it is, just spend some time doing it and getting better at it every day; if not every day then every other day. Once again, if you don’t schedule time, you will never find the time. Spending even 10 minutes every day in your area of interest/strength is better than waiting for the day when you have 2 hours to spare for that activity. With this simple change, you will find yourself blossoming in ways you didn’t imagine possible!

Set goals

“Dreams don’t come true, goals do”

We could keep dreaming about a better life and not a thing would change unless we get up and take action. Goals do just that, they push you into action; they remind you about things that are important to you, they awaken you to the reality of time slipping through your fingers. How many times have you thought that you want to learn something only to realise that even 5 years down the line you haven’t taken any initiative towards the learning? Or you said you want to be a morning person and find yourself waking up after 8 am day after day? Just wishing that your circumstances would change will not cut it. Our mind requires a timeline, clarity, measurability and a constant reminder. Set goals for anything that’s important to you, be it relationships, art, work, interest or a lifestyle. And make sure that these goals are YOURS and not set because others think it is important for you. When there is a purpose to your day, you will see yourself get more effective, efficient and happier.

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Learn to say “no”

I recently had a client who was unhappy because he just could not walk up to people and say what was on his mind. He would keep worrying that he would be taking up their valuable against their will. After some more discussion, it became apparent that the root cause of this challenge was that he himself would never turn away people who made excessive demands on his time.

Innumerable people who feel taken for granted or unvalued do so because they inadvertently end up making themselves available for every small need that others have. Partly our culture may be to blame for this ingrained habit of putting others’ needs ahead of ours. This is not to say that you should selfishly cater only to your own needs, but just like you take care to respect others’ time and needs, you must practice respect for your own needs and time.

Once the consciousness sets in that you always have the option of saying “no” to a request, it will become easier to practice it. Start with smaller requests and before you agree to anything check with yourself if you are also being considerate to yourself. Setting boundaries without a doubt is a significant way in which we can improve our sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

We all aspire to live happy meaningful lives and do not consciously choose to be miserable. At the same time, difficulties and disappointments are an integral part of life. Ending one’s life is not just a random decision people arrive at, rather it is a desperate act resulting from acknowledged and unacknowledged fears, anxieties, disappointments and a hoard of other emotions that may feel overwhelming.

People need to be empowered to understand the fundamentals of living a meaningful life and be equipped to deal with their internal turmoil. It is important to watch out for any signs of abnormal behaviour in our loved ones and let them know that we are available in case they need to speak or just need company. Some empathy, thoughtfulness and gentle care go a long way in bringing people back from the clutches of isolation. Despite that, if someone feels trapped then they should be able to reach out for help from a professional counsellor or psychologist and we must encourage our loved ones to seek help when required.

Like they say ‘charity begins at home’ and hence each of us first needs to focus on living a healthy life ourselves because the important people in our lives are watching and learning from us. We are far more influential than we think, let us infect others with our empowering ways!

August 29, 2018 By Divya Thampi 2 Comments

Empowering Ourselves Against Hopelessness – I

What makes life meaningful?

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News about a school child who just called it quits or a financially troubled couple who decided to give it all up or then a 70-year old who reached the dismal decision to end her life seems to be commonplace these days. It doesn’t surprise us anymore to know that yet another person has resorted to suicide. The ever-increasing number of deaths due to suicide is not just alarming and confounding but also calls for immediate action from individuals, families, organisations and societies at large because it is starting to look like we as a society has lost our moorings.

So what drives people to the brink of such hopelessness? Why do people conclude that only death can save them from their misery? The reasons expressed by the people, before they take this step, are hugely varied; from not scoring high enough marks to feeling like a misfit, to being overcome by a general sense of meaninglessness, the reasons are many. But is there something more fundamental we may be missing? Let’s delve a little deeper…

We know for sure that anyone who decides to end their lives has to be deeply unhappy. Instead of looking at all the reasons why a person may be unhappy, let’s start by looking at what makes people happy. Here, by using the term “happiness” I am not referring to momentary feelings of pleasure but to a sustained sense of well-being despite the challenges that life throws at you.

There are 3 significant contributors to our overall sense of wellbeing and to our feeling of engagement in life. In his book “Drive”, the well-known author Daniel Pink talks about three factors which have a significant impact on an individual’s intrinsic motivation. They are:

Autonomy
Purpose and
Mastery

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Autonomy – This refers to the freedom to live life on one’s own terms. It is having the ability to make choices as per one’s will (Whether this choice is real or imagined is irrelevant). To understand “Autonomy” better, let’s look at some examples. Autonomy is about the freedom to make significant life choices like what job to take up, whom to marry, where to reside, where to invest one’s money, but it is not limited to these choices. Enjoying the liberty to take day to day and moment to moment decisions like what to wear, what to have for breakfast, whether to exercise or not, how to spend our leisure time etc., goes a long way in establishing our sense of autonomy. The need for autonomy is hardwired in humans and whenever we feel forced to do something against our will, we feel oppressed. This sense of coercion that makes us unhappy may be external or even internal. For instance, when we do things out of a sense of guilt, that feels like a lack of autonomy too and lack of autonomy is one of the most important factors leading to dissatisfaction and unhappiness. Life, of course, doesn’t allow us to live a completely autonomous life because each of us is part of a larger community and compromises are an integral part of community living. However, when we feel that we are largely in charge of our lives, it gives us a sense of satisfaction and happiness, while the lack of it leaves us feeling deeply dissatisfied.

Purpose – When we have a purpose in life we have something to believe in and work towards, which is larger and more important than ourselves. Purpose drives us to persist even in the face of what may seem like an insurmountable challenge and keeps us grounded. When our sense of purpose is strong we often willingly surrender our autonomy and do things we do not enjoy, to progress towards that purpose. Parents may be willing to keep their preferences aside to help move towards their own purpose of helping their child have a better life or an actor may sacrifice opportunities to make money, so as to work towards her purpose of doing great work.

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Mastery – Mastery is the desire to improve. When we work towards improving a skill through learning and practising, we are working towards mastery. Mastery again requires us to be committed, to overcome obstacles, to practice perseverance and consciously correct our course and practice a skill. For an athlete who is working towards becoming a better runner, her daily improvement gives her a higher sense of fulfilment that does the appreciation and recognition from others. Mastery in itself motivates people to do well and as the mastery in any area of one’s life goes up, it has a knock-on effect on the other parts of their lives and raises their self-esteem. It goes without saying that self-esteem is at the heart of a meaningful and well-lived life.

There’s a fourth aspect which is critical to our happiness, especially when we live as part of a community and that is the connection we have with others.

Relationship with others – A 75 year-long Harvard study on Human happiness, that involved studying the lives of 724 men from the time they were in their early teens up until the time that they reached the ripe old age of 80s and 90s, threw up a very interesting statistic, with regards to happiness. The study established that the single most important factor when it comes to happiness and health is the relationships in our lives. The study found that people who were more socially connected to friends, family and community were happier, physically healthier and lived longer. So, it is not about how many friends you have or whether you are in a committed relationship but about the quality of the close relationships in your life.

As you can see, all these four factors namely Autonomy, Purpose, Mastery and Relationships are interconnected and each has a significant role in contributing to our overall sense of balance and well-being. The absence of any of these factors may foster feelings of oppression, aimlessness, disconnection or a sense of inadequacy or then a combination of all/some of these. These missing pieces leave people feeling like rudderless boats and drive one to take extreme steps to end the feeling of desolation.

(But there is hope and we talk about the steps we can take to live more meaningful lives in Part II of this blog.)

July 13, 2018 By Divya Thampi 2 Comments

Those tears need to be shed

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Her voice quivered as she spoke over the phone and slowly but surely tears emerged. First gradually, then in quick succession, until they became a steady stream. By now she had disconnected the call but her body shook in uncontrollable sobs. I gently put my hand on her shoulder and checked if she was okay. She looked at me through her teary eyes, shaken out of her reverie and gave me an embarrassed nod indicating that she would manage without my help. I sat there next to her on the train, feeling pained, wondering why a stranger’s grief caused me so much suffering.

Sadness is one of the longer lasting emotions and we feel it when we have experienced loss. The loss could be anything – a breakup, death of a loved one, loss of financial security, loss of respect in the eyes of others, feeling rejected, loss of a job, regret about opportunities lost, loss of a body part or loss of health, to mention a few. We not only feel saddened but also feel the need to reach out and help, when we see someone in pain (like I did with the girl in the train), especially if it’s a loved one. According to Dr Paul Ekman, the reputed psychologist who studies emotions, this impulse is fundamental to the sense of community. This feeling is motivated by the suffering we experience when we see someone else’s suffering.

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However, expressing sadness and especially doing so through tears is not something that comes easily to a lot of us.

The main reasons why people may try to suppress sadness are:

The fear that if we start crying or expressing sadness, we may get engulfed and may not be able to stop – This is a misconception. The reality is that strong emotions like sadness, when unaddressed, distort our thinking, prevent us from being reasonable and may drive us to make poor judgments. Hence, it is critical that we process these feelings through healthy expression. It is true that sometimes when we feel sad about a particular event, it may trigger off unexpressed pain from earlier times, making us revisit unresolved hurt. It is okay for that to happen. This may become a doorway to re-examine earlier unacknowledged losses of our lives. A good cry allows us to release the hurt and sadness through tears. It lets out the painful emotional energy and makes room for positive thoughts and feelings in our heart.

Sadness can be a difficult and painful emotion to experience and one wants to avoid going through it – The best way to overcome any emotion is to acknowledge and process it, rather than trying to reject or bury it. Trying to reject sadness may lead to additional feelings of anger, shame and helplessness. Every emotion has a role to play in human life. It would help us to remember that experiencing emotions, even the painful ones, is a sign of the compassionate human heart that beats in our chest and that experiencing a healthy dose of any difficult emotion is the pathway to growth.

3 The Social stigma attached to shedding tears – There is this idea that feeling hurt and crying is a sign of weakness. Crying is often accompanied by feelings of shame and embarrassment because many of us worry about appearing helpless, dependent and powerless. The cultural stigma around men shedding tears explains (to a certain extent) the frequency with which men turn to, substance abuse, angry outbursts, violence, bullying, isolation or emotional numbness. This is not to say that all women are comfortable with expressing sadness. Often women who cry openly are ridiculed or may be treated with indifference, making one feel weak and inferior. This makes women wary of crying as well.

While the first two reasons are something for each of us to work through individually or with a therapist, however, the third one is far more complex than it appears on the surface. Most times when we think of social stigma, we do not think of ourselves as contributors to it, but unfortunately, almost all of us may be contributing to this stigma not just in the way we treat others but more importantly in the way we treat ourselves. When children grow up watching adults shaming each other for crying or adults shying away from shedding tears and/or when they are repeatedly told that strong people don’t cry, the message becomes deeply ingrained, making its way into their words and actions as they grow into adults.

People who try to bury their feelings of sadness are not the only ones who pay the price for doing so. Deep sadness that goes unexpressed could result in long-lasting suffering. It could result in unhealthy behaviours like substance abuse, misplaced anger and may also pave the way for depression, anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorders ( OCD) or mood swings, to name a few. We may withdraw, make ourselves emotionally unavailable, thus reducing our capability to form authentic meaningful relationships and shrinking our ability to experience positive emotions like joy and passion. Our loved ones would invariably feel the distance this creates. We may at times end up behaving inappropriately because these unresolved feelings may be pulling us in different directions, thus leading us away from our goals. Buried feelings lead to health issues that include high blood pressure, increased incidents of diabetes, heart diseases, stiff joints and frequent infections due to lowered immunity.

Though undoing this social stigma can take time, each one of us has the power and choice to start this process of change. Here are a few things we can do towards bringing this much-needed change:

Allow yourself to have a good cry when you feel sad and pained, and instead of criticizing, talk compassionately to yourself when you feel sad.
When your loved ones shed tears, let them know through a hug, gentle touch or just your quiet presence, that you feel their pain and that you honour their feelings.
Become aware of any comments you may be making or any gestures you may be displayed, which implies that crying is a sign of weakness and consciously make an effort to change them.
Be an ambassador of healthy expression of emotions by starting off conversations about the social stigma of shedding tears, within your family, workplaces and social circles.

In conclusion, the main function of involuntary expression of sadness through tears is to signal the need for help, so others are moved to help. But that’s not the only purpose. Acknowledging and experiencing our sadness fully, allows us to honour the thing we have lost and acknowledged the importance of what the loss signified. It helps us to process the grief in a healthy way, such that the body can rebalance and heal itself. It is an opportunity for us to connect with ourselves, to hold our experiences sacred and honour our valuable existence as individuals and as part of a community.