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March 19, 2021 By Pallavi Barnwal Leave a Comment

The Joy Of Complaining

The joy of complaining

I have grown up to believe that happy couples do not fight, do not complain, and most of my life in almost all of my relationships, I have borne the brunt of this misconception. In my marriage, when differences accrued I thought it’s over, other than that it had become stale. Until recently, I carried this belief or rather misbelief cursing myself for complaining, regretting that why I could not compromise enough, adjusted enough since I was made to feel guilty for my disagreements. I agree, sometimes I went all ballistic, hurting the man for paltry reasons and those incidents could have been avoided. But to say one cannot complain at all is idealism!

Complaining is Healthy! Complaining is Juicy! Complaining is Catharsis!

You’re allowed to complain; it feels good sometimes! We can’t be grateful all the time. Gratitude is deeply important and healing, but we also have to make room for complaints. There’s a reason we have ten words for “complaining” in Yiddish. It’s a valve release. It’s a way to still feel like you have a say over your life when you don’t control squat. 

But a lot of us try to control our urge to complain about the fear of starting an argument. But holding in our relationship dissatisfactions over time creates a build-up of frustration and resentment that is toxic to our relationship. And then, when we finally do blurt out our complaints we do so in tones and words that are too harsh for our partner to absorb, leading them to become defensive and angry, a response that only convinces us to continue holding back our relationship-related complaints going forward, creating even more frustration, resentment, and negativity in our relationship.

To avoid this vicious cycle – to hold back – explode – backfire – hold back again, we should not stop complaining but instead, learn the art of complaining. Yes! We can be grateful and complain. We can be accountable and slack off. We can be peaceful and loving and we can talk shit and blow off steam. Complaining is a survival tool. Use it wisely. It will help us cope during the uneven phases of relationships. Complaining is juicy. So make your complaints good.

Complaint Sandwich – The Tool For Complaining The Right Way! 

We all love sandwiches right! How about turning your complaint into a delicious homemade grilled cheese sandwich? 

  • The first slice of bread in the Complaint Sandwich is a positive statement called The Ear Opener. Its goal is to lower the recipient’s defensiveness and allow them to absorb the complaint to follow.
  • The filling of the Complaint Sandwich is the actual complaint. The ‘filling’ should be lean like a slice—that is, keep it to a single incident and single complaint.
  • The second slice of bread in the Complaint Sandwich is another positive statement called The Digestive. Its goal is to motivate the recipient to respond positively to our complaint by assuring them that this complaint is for the betterment of our relationship, for the betterment of us.

Okay, you got the complaint sandwich ready, but do not spoil it by serving these small mistakes alongside it. There are reasons our complaints don’t get us what we want. We don’t think about what we want to achieve.

We complain because we want something, right? So before complaining, take 5 deep breaths, pause and think through what it is we want to achieve before we speak up. Figuring out what we want might be obvious when we call a customer service executive to remove a late charge on our credit card. It’s much less obvious when we’re complaining to our spouse/ partner. Take a moment to figure out what will make you feel satisfied through complaining.

We Allow Anger To Distract Us From Our Message

We usually complain when we are frustrated, hurt, or irritated. Feeling angry is fine if we are in control of our emotions and communicate reasonably. But when our voice gets too loud, our tone too harsh, or when we start cursing and accusing, the recipient’s attention will go to our anger and not to our actual message. As a result, we are more likely to encounter a counter-argument or resistance than a satisfactory resolution.

We Include More Than One Complaint At A Time

Hearing complaints always makes people defensive, so we have to voice our problems in ways that do not overwhelm them. It is far more effective to voice one complaint and get a result than to voice three and get nowhere. Tempting as it might be to air all your accumulated irritations at once, don’t! It doesn’t work.

We Don’t Complain To The Right Person

Surprisingly, we rarely voice our complaints to the person who can actually do something about them. We vent to our friends about our partner. If a complaint really irritates us, we owe it to our own peace of mind to address it to the person who can do something about it.

Make Your Complaint As Specific As Possible

Do not generalize it into a criticism. Complaining is about a situation, criticism is an ad nauseum attached on the character of the person. For example, “You forgot to call my sister this evening” will make the same point and be far easier for your partner to hear than “You said that you will speak to my sister but you never give any importance to my feelings”.

Remember!

Make space for other people to vent aloud. It often expresses their feelings of loss and longing. They know that they are powerless and they have to accept the situation; venting gives them the illusion that they have a say. It’s best to just let it pass and not try to reason with it.

We hope this article helps you to complain and heal your relationship the right way! Do leave your thoughts in the comments below. For more articles by our Sexual Wellness Expert Pallavi Barnwal, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to her LIVE sessions on GOQii Play. You can also connect with her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pallavibarnwalcoach

#BeTheForce

December 11, 2020 By Pallavi Barnwal Leave a Comment

Understanding Your Partner’s Low Sex Drive

low sex driveAs a woman indoctrinated in the Indian culture, for a long time I believed that a woman should not initiate sex. It’s a man’s job. I believed that women should be pursued both inside and outside the bedroom. Women in my home observed purdah in front of their men and were always fully clothed. I ended up carrying this belief right since my childhood, through my adulthood even after studying from an illustrious college and working for several years thereafter. In my relationships, I would wait for the man to initiate, to undress, and to penetrate. Once in college, my boyfriend asked me to ride him and I was terrified. How can I be in power?

Though my sex personality is submissive, by choice and also my general easy-going nature, I like to initiate things and let him take over. Alfred Kinsey, a pioneer in the area of human sexuality rightly said that “the only universal in human sexuality is variability.” Each one of us is more different than alike when it comes to our sexual preferences and tastes. Even Vatsayana, the ancient Indian philosopher who wrote Kamasutra classified men and women basis the shape of their genitals.

Men with a small penis are known as a “Hare” (rabbit) then an average penis sized man would be called a “bull” and a plus-sized man a “horse”. Women with a smaller vagina or “Yoni” will be known as a “deer”, the average would be a “mare” and with a large vagina the “elephant”.

Let us talk about the difference in Libidos

When you hear the words “sex drive,” “libido,” or “desire,” you probably just think of one thing – being in the mood for sex. But it is much more complex. There are actually two completely different sex drive types:

Spontaneous Sex Drive – You have a spontaneous sex drive if:

  • You feel the desire for sex at seemingly random times across the day.
  • You might be busy at work and the idea of having a night of extraordinary passion flashes out of the blue.
  • You are the one who initiates sex most times in your relationship.
  • You tend to want sex more frequently than your partner.
  • You can feel turned on in a lot of different situations.

Responsive Sex Drive – You have a responsive sex drive if:

  • You rarely think about sex.
  • Sex doesn’t sound appealing until you’re in the middle of it.
  • At the end of sex, you think, “That was fun. Why don’t I want that more often?”
  • You rarely initiate sex with your partner
  • You tend to want sex less frequently than your partner.
  • The situation needs to be “just right” in order for you to feel turned on.

In general, men tend to have the spontaneous desire, while women tend to have responsive desire. Let us understand the sexual turn-on process, it has got two elements:

  1. Mental Arousal – When you get the thought of wanting sex or feeling that having sex is good
  2. Physical Arousal – When your body readies for sex. Women get wet, men get erect. For both men and women, their nipples get erect, heart rate increases, breath deepens, and so on.

The difference between spontaneous and responsive sex drive is:

  • Spontaneous Sexual Desire/ Libido – Mental desire comes first; physical arousal later
  • Responsive Sexual Desire/ Libido – Physical arousal comes first; mental desire later

Spontaneous Libido is when your mental desire comes first. You’re just going about your routine day when you realize that you’re in the mood. You go and initiate sex with your partner, and then get physically aroused once you get going. Responsive Libido is the exact opposite. You don’t feel mentally interested in sex until you’re already physically aroused. You might be watching an erotic scene in a movie, and start thinking, “hmmm, that sounds good.” Or you might be kissing your partner, and start to feel interested in taking it a step further.

Why Does It Matter?

Most people think that desire is supposed to be spontaneous because that’s how we see it in the movies. A couple will both spontaneously feel the sexual desire at the exact same moment. They also happen to have the time, mental space, and privacy to have sex at that exact same moment.

If you don’t know that Responsive sex drive exists, both partners in a relationship can be frustrated or sad that the Responsive partner never feels spontaneously turned on. You may end up thinking the Responsive partner never wants sex. But that’s just not true! The Responsive partner does want sex. They just need to feel physically aroused first, and then their mental desire will follow.

How To Bridge This Gap?

If You’re The Spontaneous Partner: You should be willing to take the time and the effort to get your responsive partner physically aroused. You can engage in light foreplay (kissing, cuddling, tickling, massaging, hair stroking) to get them interested in sex since for them physical arousal precedes their mental interest in sex.

If You’re The Responsive Partner: You should be open to being physical before you feel mentally interested in sex (since you now know you’ll not feel mental interest before being physical)

Both of You: Have to respect that you have different types of desire, and be willing to work as a team to create the sex life you both want.

We hope this article helps you. For more on sexual wellness, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to LIVE sessions by our sexual wellness expert Pallavi Barnwal on GOQii Play. You can also connect with her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pallavibarnwalcoach

#BeTheForce 

November 20, 2020 By Pallavi Barnwal 1 Comment

6 Main Sex Related Myths That Can Destroy Your Sex Life

sex related mythsSex is a rarely discussed subject in the public domain and that leads to spreading a lot of misinformation out there, which leads to unrealistic expectations and disappointment. Despite being a sex educator, I myself had been living in one of these sex related myths that had a mighty toll on my relationship and hence, it becomes important to discuss all those sex related myths that we carry as beliefs in our intimate relationships. Let us bust all of them, one by one!

Myth #1 – You Should Spontaneously Want Sex

Most people believe that sex drive should be spontaneous. But it can never be possible, at the exact same moment, both you and your partner should feel the desire for sex. Typically, in a relationship, one person becomes the initiator while the other is the responder. You may also have realized that you’ve been labeling yourself or your partner as “low desire” simply because you didn’t understand the difference between Spontaneous and Responsive sex drive, and what each type needs.

Here’s the basic difference: Spontaneous libido types first feel mental desire for sex and then they seek out physical stimulation. Responsive libido types people need to be physically stimulated first, then they’ll feel mental desire. In other words: Spontaneous feel turned on, get physical – Responsive get physical, feel turned on.

If your partner is not initiating sex, it does not mean ‘always’ that they do not want it. It can also mean that their sexual drive is responsive, they are comfortable responding and not initiating. If you’re a Responsive sex drive type, you’re rarely going to be spontaneously interested in sex. It’s not the way your body works.

Myth #2 – If Your Partner Doesn’t Want Sex, It’s Because They Aren’t Attracted To You

This has happened with me when the man did not want sex because he was on a vow of celibacy. I felt deeply rejected and all that time he was saying do not take this as a rejection. It is not about you. But I would simply not believe it.

If your partner doesn’t want to have sex – either in a particular moment, or if they generally have a lower sex drive than you – it’s easy to take it personally. You worry that your partner is starting to see you as their roommate, not their lover.

The Truth: There can be tons of different reasons why people don’t feel interested in sex (stress, health issues, depression, body image, etc.). Only one of those reasons is not being attracted to your partner.

Myth #3 – If Your Partner Wants Sex, It’s Just Because They’re Horny 

I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I had faced this misunderstanding time and again in a relationship by the man who felt all I am interested in is getting physical pleasure. He failed to see that it is a way of a deep intimate, emotional connection for me. It’s funny, we take it personally when our partners don’t want sex, but when they do want sex, we tend to de-personalize it! You may think your partner only wants sex to get the physical sensations, and you’re just a vessel for them to get off.

The Truth: Sure, it’s nice to feel physical pleasure and have an orgasm, but that’s just one of the many reasons why we have sex. The truth is that sex is an emotional experience for most of us. Having sex is a way for us to physically express our love, affection, and attraction. If you and your partner have been battling with mismatched sex drives for a while, I can say for certain that the higher sex drive partner misses feeling connected, playful, and intimate way more than they miss having orgasms.

Myth #4 – Men Always Want It More

This is such a harmful myth for heterosexual couples. In couples where the woman has a higher sex drive, the man feels emasculated, the woman feels unfeminine, and their sex life almost always comes to a grinding halt.

The Truth: We’re all unique. There are some men who want sex more often than women, and some women who want sex more than men. Wanting a lot of sex as a woman doesn’t make you unfeminine. Not wanting sex as frequently as a man doesn’t make you un-masculine.

Myth # 5 – You Can’t Change Your Sex Drive

If you’re like most people, you think of your sex drive as you think of your physical traits. Just like you can’t make yourself grow taller or have smaller feet, you can’t change your sex drive. I see a lot of couples where the man reaches out bothered, “My wife is not at all interested in sex.”

The Truth: Great news! You absolutely do have control over your sex drive. You can make active changes to create the sex drive that you want. And it’s going to be way easier than you think it is!

Myth #6 – You Shouldn’t Have To Work On Your Sex Life

If there’s one myth that I think is more common and more dangerous than all others, it’s this one. Most of us believe that great sex should just happen “naturally”. Having to put in any sort of effort is seen as a sign that something is “broken” or “not a good fit”.

The Truth: Great sex doesn’t just happen naturally. It requires consistent effort. You have the power to create the sex life that you want! And here’s the amazing secret: working on improving your sex life doesn’t have to feel like a chore. It can be incredibly fun, fulfilling, and exhilarating!

We hope this article has helped you bust all these sex related myths. For more on sexual wellness, check out Healthy Reads or tune in to LIVE sessions by our sexual wellness expert Pallavi Barnwal on GOQii Play. You can also connect with her on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pallavibarnwalcoach

#BeTheForce 

October 9, 2020 By Pallavi Barnwal 1 Comment

Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction, Is It Real?

erectile dysfunction Erectile dysfunction is one of those things that affects many couples, and people still don’t talk about it enough. For some it could be a source of embarrassment and confusion, especially because it is associated with aging, illness or hormonal imbalances.

Before getting into this article, remember: a sexual disorder is something that can affect anyone. It is not a ‘failure’ on anyone’s part and it is nothing to be ashamed about! For most people, Erectile Dysfunction (ED) can be treated successfully with a combination of methods, both medical and alternative. But what if we told you that there could be a link between your media consumption and erectile dysfunction? More specifically: could porn be harming your sex life?

What Does the Research Say About Erectile Dysfunction?

While the increase of Erectile Dysfunction in younger populations casts pornography as an obvious culprit, there is still no proven link between porn and sexual dysfunction. Porn is everywhere now. It’s free, it’s available, and it caters to every fetish or fantasy imaginable. So when it comes to porn, does the common-sense approach ‘too much of anything is bad’ hold true?
The research is unclear, but what we do know is that porn triggers an instant release of dopamine, also known as our ‘happy hormones’. A quick fix of dopamine! That explains why porn can be so addictive. For many, this addictive nature of porn can direct them to more specific or extreme types of porn to get that desired dopamine hit. As the body gets accustomed to this, a regular sexual experience may no longer feel exciting enough.
But erectile dysfunction is not the only issue. Another common issue that could be related to porn is ejaculation control. Those masturbating to porn tend to do so very quickly to avoid being caught. A hasty ‘quickie’ is quite normalized these days. While this may provide quick release, it also trains our bodies to orgasm very quickly, a habit that carries on into our sex life with other people. In fact, premature ejaculation may be far more connected to porn viewing than erectile dysfunction.

Porn and Arousal

ED is rarely a single-cause issue. Health, disease, age, exercise, habits like smoking and drinking, mental health and body image can all affect arousal and sexual health. For many, porn creates a safe atmosphere for arousal; one without fear of judgement or pressure to perform in front of another person. It makes arousal easier. At the same time, this comfort also makes it easier to ignore underlying issues and turn to porn as the only escape. Porn can also make you crave for newer and newer content. But when there is new content, perfect bodies and extremely specific sexual niches readily available online, regular sex with the same partner pales in comparison. Sex with another person can be complicated and messy, sometimes even intimidating. It requires work, communication, trust and vulnerability in a way that watching porn doesn’t. Porn can become an easy way out, at the expense of working on the issues that really matter.
If this sounds like you and you suspect that watching porn is affecting your sex life negatively, then here are some questions to think over: Do you only feel like there is a problem during partnered sex? Do you find yourself dependent on porn to masturbate and reach orgasm? What sort of porn are you watching, do you get bored of one type of content and move on to the next quickly? By trying to understand which situations make arousal difficult, it can give you clarity on whether your problem is mental, physical, or a combination of both.

You think you may have a problem: Now what? 

If you feel like porn is seriously affecting your sex life, consider speaking to a professional or a sex therapist. Otherwise, on your own, you could try masturbating without porn. Focus on situations outside of porn that have been arousing, invest more in connecting with your partner and visualizing sex as an extension of that connection. Experience the sensation of touch and maybe don’t even focus on orgasming initially. Get to know your body, even outside of a sexual context: what sort of sights, sounds, tastes and feelings do you enjoy? Deepening your connection with your body in everyday life is bound to be rewarding during sex.

While some groups suggest that porn should be given up altogether, the most practical approach is to enjoy porn in moderation or to watch porn that portrays more realistic sex and bodies. Porn-induced erectile dysfunction is still a debated idea. Overall, most experts agree that there is nothing inherently wrong with masturbation or pornography.

Like with everything else, what matters is how these practices fit into your life and how you relate to them. Health and wellness are complicated, diverse spectrums: there is no singular way to have a healthy sex life. So pay attention to your body, your feelings, pleasure and your individual desires and goals, and ask yourself: is porn helping or harming?

We hope this article helps you! For more on sexual wellness, tune in to LIVE sessions by our sexual wellness expert Pallavi Barnwal on GOQii Play. You can also connect with her on Facebook here: https://www.facebook.com/pallavibarnwalcoach

#BeTheForce 

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