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February 14, 2025 By Pallavi Barnwal 1 Comment

4 Effective Tips For Managing Couple Conflicts

4 effective tips to solving couple conflictsHow many times have we fought in our intimate relationships with our partner? Definitely more than a few times. Couple conflicts, in themselves, are not unhealthy. They give us an opportunity to look at the areas of the relationship that need the most attention. For instance, a conflict about one partner not helping with housework highlights feelings of being left out and alone in life’s mundane struggles. While there are countless reasons couples fight or disagree, these conflicts act like a muslin cloth, filtering out the impurities that affect the relationship.

All relationships, including successful ones, experience conflicts. It’s unavoidable. Fortunately, it’s not the presence of conflict but how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve” because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects that provide opportunities for growth and understanding. Additionally, some problems can’t be solved due to natural personality differences between partners.

Couple Conflicts and How To Manage Them 

1. Criticism
We criticize our partner when they fail to live up to our expectations. But criticism is different than a complaint. The latter is about specific issues, whereas the former is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize. For instance:

Complaint: “You reached almost an hour late for our lunch.”

Criticism: “Punctuality is an issue with you. You are never on time. You never think of me, you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish.

The problem with criticism is that, it makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt. It often causes the perpetrator and victim to fall into a vicious pattern where criticism reappears with greater frequency and intensity, which eventually leads to contempt.

Antidote to Criticism – Gentle Start-Up: A complaint focuses on a specific incident, but criticism attacks a person’s very character. The antidote for criticism is to focus on the complaint without blame. Avoid saying “you”, which can indicate blame, and instead talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express what you need in a positive way.

Rephrasing the above complaint in this manner, you can say, “I was really eager to meet you today at lunch. Off late, we haven’t been able to spend a lot of time together and I felt disappointed when I did not see you on time”.

2. Contempt
Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them. When we contempt someone, we are truly mean — we treat them with disrespect, call them names, and mock them with sarcasm. The target of contempt is made to feel worthless.

I will quote a real example of contempt from my relationship when the man said on the issue of his lack of libido that I am a sexual pervert (tharak). While I reacted to this insinuation, also putting blame on his character, both of us had our own learnings from the episode. I resorted to criticism and he resorted to contempt.

Antidote to Contempt: is to build a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship. Remember the tip – Small Things Often: If you regularly express appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner, you’ll create a positive home in your relationship that acts as a buffer for negative feelings. The more positive you feel, the less likely that you’ll feel or express contempt!

3. Defensiveness
We become defensive when we feel accused, we fish for accuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off. Unfortunately, these excuses never work. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes.

Question: Did you not see that I was attending this important official call and you put the pressure cooker on, it was making whistles and disturbing me

Defensive response: It’s okay, even other people would enjoy the sound of whistles.

Antidote to Defensiveness: Take Responsibility: Defensiveness is self-protection in the form of innocent victimhood to keep off a perceived attack. Most people become defensive when they are being criticized, but the problem is that being defensive never solves the problem at hand. Defensiveness is an indirect way of blaming your partner. You mean that the problem isn’t me, it’s you. Thus, the problem is not resolved and the conflict escalates further. The antidote is to accept responsibility, specific to the conflict.

4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when the person withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make avoiding maneuvers such as turning away, acting busy, stop talking or showing distracting behaviors like scrolling on the phone while you talk to them or spending too much time sleeping. Stonewalling is like a flight or fight response and puts couples under a lot of emotional pressure.

Antidote to Stonewalling – Practice Physiological Self-Soothing: If you feel like withdrawing or shutting off in a conflict, take a break. Allow your body to physiologically calm down by doing an activity of interest such as walk in the park, cooking your favorite dish, getting ready, doing anything you like. Inform your partner that you need some time for yourself and then return to the discussion in a rational and respectful way.

We hope this article on managing couple conflicts helps you form a stronger connection with your partner! Do leave your thoughts in the comments below. For more articles by our Sexual Wellness Expert Pallavi Barnwal, check out Healthy Reads.

#BeTheForce 

January 30, 2025 By Pallavi Barnwal Leave a Comment

Is Your Relationship Abusive?

abusive relationshipShweta Mishra, aged 21, met her ex-boyfriend at a friend’s party. They soon became close and started seeing each other. The guy had recently gotten out of one relationship and used to get very abusive at times. He would get drunk and talk about his ex-girlfriend which badly affected her self-esteem, to the point where she started considering herself ugly. He would also call her names and say that she was with him only because she wanted money. She started doubting her own attractiveness and self-worth slowly. His abusive behaviour did not end there. He would get jealous if she talked to any other guy and even forbid her to talk to the attractive ones.

He would try to touch her inappropriately when he was drunk which she detested. One day, it got much worse than the other days. He was badly drunk and started touching her inappropriately. She had started hating the smell of alcohol to the point that it made her nauseous. She said a repeated no but he went on groping her. That night she had the worst breakdown ever. The worst part was that he blamed her for being frigid and difficult the next day and told her that now she would make him the bad guy.

Shweta started having a series of breakdowns where she would hate herself. She started scratching herself as she felt ‘dirty’ and ‘ugly’. She would feel his face on her body and want to cut herself. Finally, she decided to walk out of the relationship to preserve herself. But even after months, she still has trust-issues in relationships. She had several episodes of breakdowns even after that when she hurt herself to ease the pain.

Does the above scenario sound familiar? Have you been mistaking an abusive relationship for ‘love’? If so, read on.

Love in young age is full of hormones, tumultuous changes, confusion and chaos. Adolescents and young adults often find themselves lost when it comes to finding out information on safe sex practices or healthy relationships. Popular media promotes eve-teasing, stalking, possessiveness and ownership behaviour as ‘love’. With increasing peer pressure to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, a young mind which is already grappling with questions of self-worth is seduced with the idea of having someone as a partner. Most victims choose to continue being in abusive relationships just to avoid the shame of ‘breaking-up’. The communication gap between parents and children while growing up makes the situation even more difficult.

So how do you recognise these signs of abuse?

Emotional abuse or psychological abuse is categorized by a pattern of behaviour that leaves another person feeling isolated, degraded or worthless. It is a way for the abuser to maintain power and control in the relationship. Psychological pain can be just as bruising as a slap or punch, even if it leaves no physical mark. Let us talk about these in detail.

  • Intimidation: can be subtle and includes veiled or indirect threats. The partner could be watching each movement, checking on your whereabouts, checking your phone or springing up on you unexpectedly. This can have a damaging effect on a person’s overall sense of safety and lead to anxiety.
  • Explicit Threats: Sometimes, intimidation is not so subtle. We all know the infamous acid attacks on the victims who had the courage to say no to their spurned lovers. There are far too many instances of the partner threatening the girl with self-harm or suicide in case she leaves him.
  • Slut Shaming: This is another form of abuse which could leave the abused trapped, unwanted and ashamed. ‘If you don’t go out with me, I will tell everyone what we did in bed.’ Worse, the abuser could get explicit photos or videos of the abused and blackmail the partner into doing things they might not be ready for.
  • Name Calling: Abuser might call the partner ugly, fat, dark, stupid or similar such which eventually leads them to believe that it is true. The sense of self in teenage years is still fragile and such behaviour might lead to withdrawal and depression.
  • The Silent Treatment: Sometimes the abuser might use non-communication as a form of punishment to coerce the other partner. They might completely ignore the partner till they give in to their wishes. There are abusers who refuse to acknowledge the presence of their partners in public and are responsive when alone.
  • Constant Criticism: ‘You can’t wear that!’ or ‘You cannot hang out with those friends’ or ‘You cannot go there’ is something which abusers use to erode the self-esteem of the other person. This may make one feel unacceptable and feel bad about themselves.
  • Sexual Abuse: Any sexual contact or activity with an intimate partner that makes a person feel uncomfortable, with the purpose of controlling through fear, threats, coercion, manipulation or violence. This may be with or without the presence of physical violence at the time of the act or within the relationship. These happen mostly as there is lack of parental consent and the victims do not want to talk about it due to fear, guilt and shame. The victims could be both men and women, young adults who are in same-sex relationship, all ages – tween and upwards. Most such victims who were forced to have sex are less likely to use condoms. The perpetrator is frequently an intimate partner. Date rapes, forced oral sex, unwanted touching – all constitute part of sexual abuse.

If you have faced any of the above, it might be time to walk out of the relationship. This is not always easy but try talking to someone you trust – a friend, sibling or trustworthy adult. And always remember – IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

We hope this article helps you! Do leave your thoughts in the comments below. For more articles by our Sexual Wellness Expert Pallavi Barnwal, check out Healthy Reads.

#BeTheForce 

Disclaimer: Reader discretion is advised. This content is for an older, mature audience who seek to improve their health and wellness. GOQii is not responsible for any misrepresentation of this information.

October 23, 2024 By Pallavi Barnwal 1 Comment

Principles for Handling Couple Misunderstandings

couple misunderstandingsMisunderstandings are a common occurrence in most couple relationships, my life being no different. When I look back and when I look around, I see a lot of times fights erupt because of different or mismatching perspectives of looking at the same issue. Yes, these are some of the commonly heard grievances that couples voice out against each other.

“I wish you had understood me better!”

“You made a decision and did not even think once about me?”

“You always have your own ways in our relationship, never thinking once about me.”

A lot of times, these small misunderstandings get blown out of proportion when the accused person refuses to take up supposed responsibility. I am saying “supposed” because it is not yet confirmed that one person is indeed right. Relationships, after all, are a “subjective” affair with no clear right or wrong. It is on the basis of our belief systems, core values, past experiences, upbringing background that we decide the right or wrong in a given situation. The thing to be noted is in a relationship, we are dealing with two different people who can have two different schools of thought.

Best Practices To Solve Couple Misunderstandings  

How do you arrive at a consensus or a mutual ground when a misunderstanding emerges between you and your partner? I am sharing the following best practices/principles to solve the misunderstandings that happen unexpectedly in a relationship.

Principle 1: Misunderstandings are Natural and Unavoidable

Principle 2: Cultural Differences are a Breeding Ground for Misunderstandings

Principle 3: Connect-the-Dot Understanding Usually Replaces Real Understanding

Principle 4: Move from Being Right to Being Curious

Principle 5: Ask questions — Lots of Them!

Principle 6: Recognize that We All Speak a Different Language

Principle 7: Be Responsible for making Sure You Understand and are Understood

Principle 8: Don’t Assume Others Will Connect the Dots Accurately

Principle 9: Leave the Assumption Warehouse. Speak Your Experience — Not Your Conclusions.

Principle 10: Tone and Body Language Matter

Principle 11: Don’t Confuse Feelings and Judgements

Principle 12: Stay in Your Green Zone — If You Assume, Assume Benevolence

There’s no way around it, being misunderstood sucks. It can make you feel frustrated, upset, and hopeless. It can feel even worse in times of conflict. I faced this once when the man of the house had 2 men coming unplanned with liquor and after a drinking round, one of them lost their senses. I reacted in that situation and it pained me intensely to see that man found no reason in my distress! Yes, I was partly misunderstood and was not taken seriously. I suffered greatly from that lack of attunement.

This is because one of our deepest needs is for others to understand or tune into us. This desire to be “seen” begins right from our childhood. Take kids, for example: when they play hide-and-seek, they love to be found. Yes, misunderstandings are unavoidable but approaching this situation with the right tools and understanding, you have a great leeway to turn this conflict into a catalyst for connection.

We hope this article helps you form a stronger connection with your partner! Do leave your thoughts in the comments below. For more articles by our Sexual Wellness Expert Pallavi Barnwal, check out Healthy Reads.

#BeTheForce 

Disclaimer: Reader discretion is advised. This content is for an older, mature audience who seek to improve their health and wellness. GOQii is not responsible for any misrepresentation of this information.

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